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7 years ago (10/04/04)
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Male from Oregon
Well, it IS MY profile, so I would assume this is about me. | Latest Post | |
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It looked like it would work, anyways...
Today was odd, to say the least. It started out like any other day, with my habitual waking up, scratching myself, followed by a quick shower. As usual I skipped breakfast due to my inherent laziness and despising the work involved. Even a bowl of cereal is too much time and effort for my clearly advanced persona. However, I eventually got hungry around lunchtime. And not just any kind of hungry, the painful hungry that makes your stomach eat itself in a form of self cannibalism in order to survive. Seeing as how I didn't enjoy the prospect of eating myself, I decided it was time to overcome my laziness and make some food. The plan was simple, I would go into the kitchen, scour around until I found the quickest and easiest consumable good.
There was one crucial flaw in my plan, however; there was no easily accessable food around, not even the basics like ramen and cereal. I was forced to fend for myself. It was an epic struggle for survival of man against the elements. No food, no money, and no gas; a very deadly combination. Man is forced to the last resort in order to survive. He must do the unthinkable, the impossible, the complete last resort. He must cook in order to survive. So I decided to make the most nutritious of all natural foods, a good ol' fashioned pizza.
First, I had to find the ingrediants to make it. Let me tell you something, friends, the battle was not an easy one. It was long and arduous, with much blood shed on both sides. It was as though nature itself conspired to put me in my place, hurling all forms of obstacles in my path. But man must prevail, and will do what man does best in order to do so; he will adapt. I had to improvise because I had no idea what I was doing, but I was going to do it. I would not let nature defeat me. I would not, I could not! Pride alone kept me standing, despite all odds against laziness, lack of knowledge, and lack of proper supplies. This was a battle for every inch of ground.
There was no recipe to follow, so I further improvised as I went; I was on my way to victory. I had no tomato sauce; I used a bottle of spaghetti sauce, I had no chunk of cheese to grate; I tore up individually wrapped slices of cheese. I had no other toppings; I tossed on slices of sandwich meat. All I had was the right ingrediants for dough, and as expected with my 1337 skills, it was a weak dough. Food was close. I could smell it coming ever closer to fulfilling my needs. I covered the dough with the sauce, I put the meat slices on top with the torn individually wrapped slices of cheese, and prepared myself for a feast meant for a king. A poor king, but a king nonetheless. The pizza even looked like it would be pretty good, considering I made it and under these conditions. I looked for a tray to cook it on, and as the dishes had still yet to clean themselves for me, I grabbed the nearest thing that looked reasonable. I stick it in and go to wait for it to finish cooking. I was on the home stretch. I laughed in the face of mine (Yes mine) enemies and shouted a battle cry of victory.
About 15 minutes later I go to check on the progress of my worthy feast. The oven opens, allowing a beautiful aroma to waft through my nostrils, tempting me to salivate in anticipation. I knew it would be delicious, I knew it would be the best meal I've ever had, I knew it could feed me for days yet to come; I knew wrong. To my utter horror and surprise, the tray had now melted into a gelatinous mass and combined with the pizza. It was as if the tray transformed into an amorphous blob creature that absorbs all that it touches. It was slowly dripping through the cracks and sucking the pizza in with it.
I then turned off the oven and equipped myself with a weapon of epic proportions and began to pry, yes pry, the trizza - for it was no longer a pizza and a tray, but one combined entity - from the oven. I still fear that if I had left it to its own devices any longer, the oven and the trizza would have become one as well, and become a trizzven slowly devouring the world one object at a time. I would not let this happen, so I attacked with all my might to slay the beast. The battle raged on for many a minute before I overcome the dweller of ovens with my repeated feignts and lunges in an effort to loosen its hold on its next victim. At last, the oven was freed from the trizza's vile grasp, and I wrestled it to the ground where it tried to suffocate me. Gathering all my might, I surged upwards in one powerful thrust and hurled the the trizza into the nearby sink.
I grabbed the faucet hose and turned it on full blast. The water rained down upon the trizza, causing it to harden into a solid mass once more and put it into a weakened state of ineptitude so that I might deal with it more appropriately at my leisure. A few ninja punches and kicks later, the foe was defeated and the world saved. It was at this point that I knew I had to dispose of the beast in an orderly fashion, lest it fall into the hands of an evildoer. I quickly gave up as my laziness set back in and left the trizza in the garbage can and waited for the garbage man to pick it up. None would know how to use a weapon of such unimagineable might, regardless. Only I, its creator, held that key of mystery. The world was safe. For now.
Sadly, the above story is, in fact, a true one. It was not made up at all for your entertainment. I am shamed in my cooking skills.
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| Awards | | | | The Goods | | | Name |
Sean? | | Interests |
Meh. | | ANTILLES'... | | | Music |
Most anything. Minus rap and country. | | Movies |
Too many. | | TV Shows |
Not sure. |
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