The Adventures of Foolsfolly: Agent of DAGGERI was going through my old notepads, searching for a list I once wrote, and found...THIS. I wrote this sometime in 2011. I don't even remember writing this, or if I was drunk at the time. My handwriting was neat enough so it would suggest not drunk, but even so, it's...well, anyone familiar even remotely with DAGGER will see what brand of weird it is. Guess I never posted it for some reason. So here it is in all its fucked up glory!

Hands tied behind his back, Agent Foolsfolly was dumped unceremoniously to the floor. The King Lord watched contemptuously from his throne of copper and lizard skeletons and stroked his chin like a boss. He twitched his eye and pictured in his hea...

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The Adventures of Foolsfolly: Agent of DAGGERI was going through my old notepads, searching for a list I once wrote, and found...THIS. I wrote this sometime in 2011. I don't even remember writing this, or if I was drunk at the time. My handwriting was neat enough so it would suggest not drunk, but even so, it's...well, anyone familiar even remotely with DAGGER will see what brand of weird it is. Guess I never posted it for some reason. So here it is in all its fucked up glory!

Hands tied behind his back, Agent Foolsfolly was dumped unceremoniously to the floor. The King Lord watched contemptuously from his throne of copper and lizard skeletons and stroked his chin like a boss. He twitched his eye and pictured in his head the myriad of nasty things he would like to do to Agent Foolsfolly.

"Well well, agent," sneered the King Lord. "For months you evade capture by my best men, and yet here you are, subdued by my steam-powered bionic lobstermatic men. After all this time, I thought you would be harder to find."

"Yeah," grinned the agent. "Who would've thought starting a laser fight with a high school zombie headmaster would be conspicuous?"

"Your brash flippancy aside," continued the King Lord. "I am delighted to have the chance to speak with you before you are killed. It gives me a chance to read to you a list of your crimes."

"Are you sure?" asked Agent Foolsfolly. "Wouldn't it just be quicker to read V for Vendetta? There'd be less erotic subtext."

The King Lord held up a scroll, which unrolled itself like a carpet down the long hall. Everyone watched as it bounced through the doors, chased by the doorman who had apparently forgotten to close them like an idiot because YOU HAD ONE JOB, FRANK. ONE JOB.

"Crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap..."

"Your lackeys are getting dumber," observed Foolsfolly brightly.

"Yeah, well, I get them on a dicount," replied the King Lord. "Every so often I kill one to keep the others on their toes. That doorman? I'll be serving him for dinner. There's the cook now."

A velociraptor wearing a chef's hat and apron led the sheepish doorman away as the King Lord looked back down at his long list of Agent Foolsfolly's crimes against him.

"I hope to hell my scribe is listening," he muttered. "Agent Foolsfolly of DAGGER. You hereby stand accused of numerous heinous crimes against I and my court. Do you have anything to say before I list your charges?"

"Yeah. If I'm condemned, I want my last meal to be roast hippo."

"THAT IS NOT A VALID REQUEST, MAMMAL!" snarled a reptilian voice from the kitchen.

"That guy is easily offended," remarked Foolsfolly.

"The charges," proclaimed the King Lord. "Are as follows in no particular:
1. Releasing a live crocodile into the Evil Nursing Home.
2. Pushing my brother down a flight of stairs onto fly paper.
3. Chopping down my favourite orange tree with my father's wooden leg.
4. Setting a rhino loose in my palace bathroom.
5. Pouring liquid nitrogen into my coffee pot..."

"It was antifreeze, actually..."

"6. Pantsing the royal bishop.
7. Using the palace crematorium to speed cook a pie..."

"Oh yeah," chuckled Foolsfolly. "I forgot about that."

"8. Filling my senate room with whoopee cushions, and
9. Harvesting my tea fields to create poorly-marketed organic cigarettes for profit."

"Sub-standardly marketed, please. And that was Puma, mostly."

The King Lord glowered severely at Foolsfolly, who shrugged. The King Lord tossed the scroll away. Everyone watched it bounce. One of the palace guards leaned over to his companion and whispered.

"Wait, if there were only nine offenses, why was the scroll so long it could roll the length of the hall and out the door?"

"Have you seen the King Lord's handwriting?"

"But he has a scribe!"

"SILENCE!"

The palace rocked as the King Lord bellowed at the top of his lungs. In response, Foolsfolly belched.

"For these crimes, Foolsfolly, Agent of DAGGER, I sentence you to death by fat man. BRING OUT THE MAN WHALE!"

The doors crashed open and a dozen men holding a rope pulled in a flatbed trolley, on which was a huge, flabby pule of human flesh, poking out of which were stubby human limbs that looked like they'd been stapled on.

"Uh..." said Foolsfolly. "First off, yuck. Second, can you sentence me? This isn't a court and you're not a judge."

"Pff," snorted the King Lord. "It's my damn country, I'll do what I want. If I want to eat spaghetti out of a buffalo skull, I will. If I want to make my staff wear coconuts in their pants, I will. And if I want to crush foreign dissidents under a mountain of flab that can only tenuously be described as vaguely humanoid, then fuck it all, I will. Guards! Commence the rolling!"

One of the guards pressed a button. The flatbed tilted and the tub of lard began rolling down the hall, directly at Foolsfolly. The King Lord and his men scattered, four of the dragging the throne with them.

Foolsfolly grinned. "Come at me, bro."

He sidestebbed neatly and the fat lump rolled past, coming to a half against the step where the lizard skeleton throne had been. The King Lord bellowed at his guards to seize Foolsfolly, and every one of them charged while wondering why his method of execution was so shit. Foolsfolly vaulted onto the pile of fat and reached into the folds, ignoring the smell. The legion of guards yelled a battle cry, and the one in the lead withdrew his sword.

He went down with a shotgun blast to the chest.

The guards halted in astonishment. Foolsfolly sat atop a motorbike, holding a shotgun and wearing a fedora, all of which somehow having been extracted from the folds. Foolsfolly grinned.

"Bring it."

To be continued...

Apparently I never continued.