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32 year-old male from Maine
Founding Member of Clan [t]0ol and adjunct member of Team Try Hard Pants.

You miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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A tradition like every other one. I work in a school. So everyone except for me is off during Christmas. I have started taking some vacation time to cover the days so that I can recharge the batteries in this ancient piece of hardware that I call my body. Then I do something stupid like...


So a normal, hangover defined, lazy Saturday has turned into a 10 hour shopping trip. Luckily I just need to buy for two people: both of my Mom's.

Now before you think I grew up in some Glee-esque, socially progressive, modern family, I didn't.

Let's look at the conundrum of buying gifts for your Mom. She can buy you socks, kitchen implements never to be used again, or in my unique case, boxer shorts with chili peppers on them and "hot" written multiple times across the waste band (My girlfriend at the time was in the building when that gift was opened and grew especially fond of them).

You can not give her any of those things.

Other things you can't give mom for Christmas:

- Call of Duty: Ghosts
- Any of Paula Dean's racist cookbooks
- The complete Star Trek: TNG box set on Blue-Ray
- An Ab-flex.
- A life size card board cut out of a shirtless Jeanne Claude Van Damme (OK maybe this one).
- Anything you have already given her as a present at some point during the last two decades (She fucking remembers).
- Scented soaps. Its not 1998 any more, no matter how hard I try to make believe it is.

So where does that leave me. It leaves me with intense hand therapy for one of my Mom's I think. Its like a manicure with out having to give your hands over to a mean lady with some furniture finishing tools.

And for my other mom, its time to go nuclear, Jewelry. This is the last resort in two ways. Its easily the most expensive route, mind you unique yet inexpensive jewelry is all we are talking here. Also once you go there NOTHING ELSE WILL EVER BE AS GOOD. Also don't forget that you can't double up on gift ideas for at least another decade. That's a long time kids.

So tomorrow morning, instead of nursing a hangover and wondering why I have developed a sudden fear of all things dutch oven, I'll be looking lost in a store and probably fielding questions from a 40 year-old woman that starts with "Can I help you?"

No you can't, I am lost cause.

Merry Christmas you filthy animals.
1 year ago  |  Comments (0)
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Name Chief Carr
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