Diary of an Autistic Adult #4

I'm staring at my garbo mug. It stares back at me. Forever saddened, unmoving. Or is it in deep thought? One cannot tell what the garbo does or thinks, it just is. 

I came into work today and had two meetings back to back. Nice way to start 9 am - with having to talk to a lot of people. I set 9 am as "get settled" for a reason people - stop putting shit there. 

I miss my brothers. Staring at all the shit on my desk reminds me so greatly of the joys in my life. All the things that I like, but I miss my family. God it's weird to write that. Not necessarily to me specifically but it's weird to see those words on a page. 

I haven't taken my meds yet this morning. I should do that.

-----------------------


Diary of an Autistic Adult #3

Anxiety. Every day it just keeps hitting me over and over. Am I doing good enough at work? Do people like me? This constant insecurity and anxiety is really tough to deal with. I'm already on anti-depressants, do I need to increase the dosage? I am on the minimum amount, so it's not like I'm endangering myself. 

I need this...constant reassurance that everything will be OK. I can't seem to get myself beyond it. Is it because I lack confidence? Self esteem? What is 'it' that's preventing me? It's pointless to say it's all in my head because, well, that's where it is XD. The problem is that I need it 'out' of my head. Maybe one day, but that day is not today. Not on Tuesdays where I have my 1-1's. I ALWAYS get nervous, like I'm in trouble or something (even though it's literally a weekly meeting).

Do other people do that? Do others constantly put their inner thoughts into parentheses? I don't really read a lot of other peoples' stuff, let alone books. I wonder if my life would make an interesting book. 

I bet it would. I always told myself that I feel like I've lived 3 lives worth of nonsense already. Hearing Geoff talk about his life feels a bit like how I view mine - through multiple eras. Geoff had his punk shit kid phase, his army phase, his first wife, second wife and kid, and now sobriety. Although the punk shit kid part never really stopped - and now we have Achievement Hunter.

I wonder if my attachment to Rooster Teeth is partly grounded in that I never really mentally matured past my younger years. Well, it's a thought really, because how can one accurately assess the maturity of ones self irrespective of others? Can't compare if you have nothing to compare to. 

I think I better get moving on some projects today. This shit isn't gonna sort itself out.

---------------------------------


Diary of an Autistic adult #2

I'm starting to slowly realize how often I ask for clarification on statements because they don't make sense to me. At first I thought that's because I just needed specificity but now I realize it's because I am TERRIBLE with following context - especially if there's any length of time in between sentences let alone full conversations. 

So my wife will usually tell me something but unless it's a complete sentence, in and of itself, that contains all the necessary information needed to convey a specific thought or feeling, it leaves room for interpretation and misunderstanding. 

I'm struggling to come up with a good example in the moment, but I'll try and update this or something when I think of it/come across it.

So if you're ever working with or talking with someone who has what I have, be patient and try to give as much information up front. Helps move the dialogue along.

---------


Diary of an autistic adult #1

My wife talked to me last night about her friends. Apparently one of them thought she was mad at her because they hadn't spoken in a while. This friend just had a kid, so their life is their child (which is totally OK). Alex (my wife) doesn't really care for kids and never has, so she's kind of stayed away from all that. Not to mention they live like 1.5-2 hrs drive away depending on traffic.

I had to console my wife and make sure she knew that she shouldn't feel guilty, but she still feels bad either way. I told her we need hobby friends vs personal friends vs work/school friends. She was a little confused as to why you would have different buckets and I had to explain my childhood growing up. Moving 20 times does something to your perception of others - you start seeing people less as individuals and more for their personality traits and quirks (in the beginning at least, you learn to appreciate them for them later). Thus I categorized all my friends based on the types of relationships I knew I could have with them. 

My colleagues at work don't share my interests in games, but they do share a little bit in sports and politics. My video game friends are great for gaming and internet culture talks, but maybe not for theoretical physics or politics. I try to split my conversational topics around because trying to put that all on a few people never ends well. You'll either drive people away with your ramblings or you'll never have friends to begin with because no one is exactly like you. 

Besides, being friends with people who share different interests than you is a great way to grow and learn. Even if you don't join them, learning about it secondhand is still neat and contributes to conversation and a back and forth natural dialogue.