||Never written a journal here before, but I had a bit of a life crisis last week, and I need an outlet for my thoughts. Last time I was in crisis the RT Community helped me out in a HUGE way, even if they didn't know that they did. So, I figured now would be a good time to go back to the well and see if they can help again.|
You see, I am in a Computer Programming course in my home town college. When I started the program, I was not only the only one in the course who had ever heard of Rooster Teeth (*sad face*), but I was also the only real gamer in the class. That first year was a real personal struggle. I did awesome in class, but with no one to talk to about my passions outside of class, I started to get really low. I felt like I was alone in the entire world and that no one would ever understand me.
But then I heard about RvBTO. When I found out about the event, and that it was going to be the last year it was held, I made a decision that I would be there, no matter what. It took a lot of work - scrapping together the money, finding a place to stay, even calling in a few favours in order to get to Toronto - but I managed to pull it off, and it was completely worth it. I have never felt so at home as I did when I showed up the first day.
Everyone was so welcoming. Even though it was my first time going to an RT Fan event, it was like I had always been there. The people there was just as passionate about Rooster Teeth as I was, and were more than willing to share their stories and experiences with me. What really made me feel at home, though, was that I felt that I was not alone. Whenever I made what my classmates called an "obscure reference", everyone around me immediately started laughing and got what I meant. That sense of belonging did more for me than anything could have.
Which bring me to my current crisis: for the last few weeks, I have had a lot of pain in my right arm. Most days it's in the hand and wrist. I just thought that I was working too hard, seeing as I spend hours every day at a keyboard. But then the pain started to move up into my elbow and, when it gets really bad, into my shoulder and back. It was at that point I decided to go and get it checked out.
I went to the clinic near my house and explained to the doctor what was going on. When I was done, she told me that I had a combination of Tendinitis and Carpal Tunnel Syndrome. For a normal person, this might not be too bad, but as a computer programmer this could be the Kiss of Death for my career. Couple that with the fact that the pain is moved up into my shoulder and back, and it looks more and more like I am going to need surgery to correct it. I am currently trying to get an appointment with my doctor for a referral to a specialist so I can find out exactly how bad the injury is.
Needless to say, my world has become very chaotic of late. I had to get special accommodations to write my remaining test for the semester on a computer, seeing as I can no longer write with a pen and paper. I had to explain to my instructors - all of whom have been way more understanding than I thought they would be - that my work may be slacking while I try to get this sorted out. I have to wear a wrist brace at all times, which makes doing my work very difficult. I am on some pretty heavy presciption drugs to help mange the symptoms and pain so that I can continue to complete my class work.
All in all, the last week of my life has been pretty rough. The nature of the injury, combined with the extent of the pain, has made me have serious doubts whether I can continue to be a programmer as a career. Even if I have the surgery, there is no guarantee that I will ever have full use of my arm, or that the pain with go away forever. Plus, if something goes wrong with the surgery I may lose full functionality in my arm, possibly for life.
Maybe I am overreating to the whole situation. Maybe I am fixating on the worst case scenario and building myself up to prepare for what comes next. Maybe it will turn out alright and this will all go away. Maybe, maybe not. At this point, I really cannot see a good outcome to the whole situation. Just typing this journal entry has my entire arm in huge pain. So if I can't even write a little journal entry without the pain becoming unbearable, how I supposed to write large segments of code everyday for the rest of my life?
I don't know if anyone will read this (first journal entry, so don't know who would really care), nor do I expect anyone to try and help me out. I know this journal comes off as needy and some may see this as some whiny loser's attempt for sympathy over someting that may not be a big deal. I don't really care at this point. Right now, I just need to get my emotions out, and I thought this would be a good platform. I plan on facing this problem head on, no matter what happens, but I would be lying if I said that I wasn't worried about the outcome.
For those who do read this, I thank you for your support (even if you do nothing after reading). Just the fact that you took the time to listen to my feelings means a lot. Anyway, I'm gonna have to wrap this up. My arm is way too sore continue.
- Duckshot -