I believe he should be able to transition to a Grimm whenever there is an influx of negative emotions, not limited to a set timing (30 minutes, twice a week) instead build tension by making each struggle not only a fight between him and his opponents, but a struggle to retain his sanity. Each time the darkness should become stronger, only held back by his will to resist; akin to a candle in nighttime.
Create your own RWBY Character! (newbies welcome)
#33690258 - 1 week ago
I'll assume you are talking about Nolen. Judging by the overall quality, I'll also assume you rushed through it and/or English is not your first language.
Always take your time when crafting an OC. This helps improve the general format (spelling, punctuation) as well as giving you more time to think your OC over, allowing you to come up with good ideas and revise.
He seems to suffer from a non existent personality. Know that an OC'S personality can make or break a character. No matter how good the story or how flashy the design, a poorly done personality can turn many people off.
Also his outfit seems to be the generic hoodie and trousers. C'mon man, there is much more than that. Experiment, try new designs, look up cultural clothing. Then make it ragged to reflect his street life backstory.
The backstory needs major retooling in terms of punctuation. I literally can't make head nor tail of it. Describe everything. I want the details on his beat down, on the hunger he felt as a street kid. I want to feel it to empathize with him.
Nolen curled up in the trash-strewn corner, body wracked with pain. The leering goon advanced, fist raised, and Nolen reflected that this is how his many victims must have felt like; cold and afraid, cornered like an animal, interspersed with bouts of a pain inflicted by the tormentor's meaty fists, accompanying a dull growling in the sufferers stomach.....
This is just an example.
Also try not to copy a character's weapon, you can do better. Though I do have a name suggestion; Hell's Breath. Seems to fit a melee weapon that uses fire Dust.
Also, beware the Mary Sue. Your character is leaning in that direction what with the definition of his fighting style
(Dominates any foe thanks to his knowledge of fighting styles and how to make his attacks unpredictable and to turn the tide of the battle to his favor) how did he learn those, if he lived on the streets? And if so, how did the White Fang thugs beat him up?
Hope this helps, looking forward for draft 2
#33690486 - 1 week ago
Right off the bat; Nolen has a non existent personality. You have to include traits, flaws, dislikes and likes but most importantly you have to write how this affects him and how he reacts to situations based on these.
Then his backstory.....holy punctuation, batman! Slow down bro and evaluate your work. Use a spell checker. And most importantly, go into the nitty-gritty detail of you want me to empathize with your characters. Haste makes waste.
The outfit seems to be the generic hoodie+pant. Look up cultural clothing, experiment with new styles and then make it all ragged to match his street life backstory.
Also, the weapon detail is important. The more you describe it, the more palpable it gets.I also have a suggestion for the name; Hell's Breath or Infernal Fists. You pick.
Hope this helps, looking forward to the next draft
#33690623 - 1 week ago
In reply to user-59f4cc5dcb079 thanks for the input I appreciate it also about the spelling my computer will sometimes just randomly open up a Microsoft tab when I'm writing something at any time so its hard to check my spelling but I'll improve on it I swear also holy punctuation batman wtf that made me laugh so hard
#33690714 - 1 week ago
In reply to user-59f4cc5dcb079 but for a first time writing/ making a oc I don't think I did horrible
Everyone's first draft sucks. That's how you learn and improve. If you want proof, just look at my OC (his 1st and 2nd drafts are on page 1 of the thread). He Was shredded (on another thread), but for all the right reasons. I factored all their criticism in, and launched his own story.
#33691010 - 1 week ago
You know, I can't help but see Nolen's story as an upbeat, inspirational tale in which a boy off the street fights his circumstances to become a huntsman.
Like something out of Rocky. I see Nolan beating up slabs of meat, beating up brick walls and concrete to toughen his hands and legs, running through the entire town building up his fitness level.
Then when he is at Beacon, he just throws a fist up in victory as the sun sets.
Then Beacon falls. Better luck next time, sport.
#33691990 - 1 week ago
Name: Henry Hyde
Height: 6’9 ft
Weight: 227 lbs
Eye Color: Brown
Hair Color: Black
Symbol: A red horned devil’s face on right side, or part of it, and a green skull’s face on the left.
Description: An unusually tall and well muscled young man, who has a little tan, with a multitude of scars across his chest and back, and a few strange square shaped scars imprinted onto his right shoulder. He wears a white tank top with dozens upon dozens of gashes, wearing a manica, or a steel armguard, with rows of squared pieces lined down his left arm, each one colored in green and red, whilst he wears a pair of tan cargo pants and heavy black boots. His right arm only has a steel and clunky pauldron, with a full green painted cover and a red devil’s face etched in, meant for some minimal defense. His face is usually covered up by a black face scarf with rows of red teeth painted on, and his head covered by a black head scarf as well with three green stripes, but behind it he has a rough face with some facial hair wrapping around his jaw and short trimmed black hair.
Personality 1: Henry, whose the original, is a smart and rather concealing person who prefers to think most things through, but he’s actually quite kind once you get past most of his smartass remarks or his sarcastic tone of voice, but there are times where even Henry himself proves to be a rather agitated person and does his best to remain kind and passive, always seeing more than way to resolve an issue as well as making friends without fighting, and believes that you need a good plan before rushing into a fight.
Personality 2: Hyde is a different person altogether, a combination of Henry’s more... daring side, someone who hates waiting for plans, someone who loves the thrill of a fight. He doesn’t care for anyone, not unless they see who he is, and usually likes to keep a leash on Henry’s body, usually the one who loves control and domination, and he’s a rude and foul mouthed person, someone whose a slave to his own sins and doesn’t mind hurting anyone to get what he wants.
Weapon: A pair of Knuckle-Daggers, each one with sharp pins at the side of the them, not where the blades are, but at the blunt end of them, usually used by Henry who prefers to take combat close once he’s figured out a pathway or an attack pattern and how to counter his opponent, but with Hyde he charge in hacking and slashing at whatever he can, preferring to use the sharp ends, but ends up punching people sometimes. The Knuckle-Daggers have a mechanized curve, with a sharp fold, while the dull side of them have a button that allows them to fold in and out, when folded in they look similar to a small and very closed up triangle.
Hyde himself wields a long rod capable of extending outwards, forming up a polearm, with a magnum chamber located at the top of the rod, hidden inside, and a barrel poking atop it. He can also use the Knuckle-Daggers and attach them in, allowing him to have a long ranged pickaxe with the benefits of more reach as well as cutting power. His polearm only uses Fire Dust, either to blast away at enemies, or act as a torch in a dark place. Henry prefers just the polearm rather than adding his Daggers or shooting considering his half of the semblance.
Semblance: Boom Boom!
Description: The Boom Boom semblance allows one to generate both heat and gas throughout their body, allowing them to be able to cause an explosive blow to any opponent, or even spontaneously combust, causing a minor but powerful explosion to knock back enemies, and it can be channeled into his weapon and fists, able to deal blows that’ll hurt. However, considering that both personalities split, they’re only able to use certain aspects, Henry being able to use the gas, his body releasing gas from his body, allowing him to knock out unsuspecting enemies concerning the gas in his body, despite its volatility. Meanwhile, Hyde himself can generate heat to a certain limit, yet to be decided, and this heat allows him to generate a warm and burning temperature around him, also being able to heat up his weapons to better cut through most things or scorch someone if he chooses melee combat and lands a hit, burning the, slightly depending on the contact.
Weaknesses: The semblance itself is hands on, it cannot be made to fire out explosions, even if channeling if you toss it while you’re channeling a weapon. Boom Boom also causes damage if the explosion is close to him when channeling explosive power. A premature explosion also can hurt his allies and himself if he doesn’t emit anything. The gas itself is highly volatile so even a match can set Henry exploding off dealing damage. Hyde’s semblance is a switch on, whilst giving his weapons an added boost and keeping enemies away, the temperature also affects Hyde who while tolerates it, cannot keep it on, and it also takes aura for every second he uses it.
History: Living in Vacuo was tough, that was obvious to anyone who lived there, but surviving it meant you were good with anyone... At least, that’s what most people believed if you didn’t live right in a makeshift tent for at least 9 years until you were taken away by bandits who killed your parents.
Right, where do I begin? I was a runt, or at least, a guy who hated violence, even when I was a kid, I was terrified of the thought of Grimm, and truth be told, I was also pretty much a wuss when it came down to fighting... So I always tried using words, even when I was a small child, and my parents, who were nomads, always tried to teach me right from wrong, and I took to it like a fish in water.
Then that changed once a group of bandits raided us, or in simpler terms, found it amusing to kill my family and eat me.
Yes, eat me.
Next thing I knew I was taken under by one of the bandits who said I could be their newest addition, and with a little begging, and crying, I joined.
Years passed and I did exactly what they did, and failed at it spectacularly, mostly because I wanted to hold onto my teachings, or at least get things with money without having to steal, but it all changed on the day I was forced to take a life once I was 16.
That’s when the metaphorical dam broke and when I realized I started to... not care as much. It was strange, but ever since that day, I never seemed to remember what was going on, whenever we went out on a raid, whenever we looted, pillaged, and went in, I always seemed to have a blur instead of a memory, and my ‘family’ praised me.
Apparently I was one bad kid.
I wasn’t the best fighter, not a frontal one, but I was the one who had plans, gave them to the group, and our raids were a lot more successful with less carnage and return fire on our part, making thing pretty easier for us, but they made it sound like I was the one who fought with them.
Then it happened, on the next raid we were ambushed, a Huntsman was called in which shocked everyone of us, but the next thing I knew I saw my newest ‘family’ getting slaughtered left and right, and while I wouldn’t have cared much, I did care... They grew on me, and I grew with them, even if I’ll forever resent them for what they did, I can’t say I don’t care, nor forgive them for what they did, but in the end they’re all I have despite why I can’t forgive them.
That’s when I hear the voices, the yelling, the shouting, and I can feel a pounding in my skull, as if sirens were going off, chains rattling, and before I knew what even happened, I found myself looking at everything, but what was weird, was that I saw blackness around me, no movement, no feeling, just an empty blackness within the space I was, and I looked, and I could see my body moving on it’s own, pulling off an axe from the ground and roaring with laughter.
“NEVER STOP THE FIGHT! LET’S GO! SLASHY SLASH SLASH!”
I was shocked by what happened because the next thing I see is my self attacking the Huntsman, someone who clearly was out of my league, but he persisted, and it took until we got some back up to fend off the Huntsman and retreat, and that’s when I met my alternate personality,
Nothing was the same after that, I thought we could be friends, mostly after I realized he was an alternate personality when I was 17. We talked, well I talked, he shouted and argued for full control rather than be attached to someone who likes to think plans through and how not to harm people so much, at least without murder, so negotiations quickly dissolved into bickering and we hated each other with a passion.
I kinda stopped trying to be peaceful with a jerk who literally calls me a Bag of Sand, and... well he was very expressive.
Anyways, I left my surrogate ‘family’ after some time, wanting to live a life on my own, and maybe find something else besides raiding villages, or makeshift tents, or even attacking a factory here and there.
So, I began to wander afterwards, realizing that this whole life of mine was... Well what’s a better word than crap?
Either way, I wasn’t alone on this journey, and Hyde wouldn’t let me go either, so it was me, Henry Hyde, with another personality right behind me every step of the way, but I really, really, REALLY, wished we didn’t argue so much.
For now, it’s earn money, find a job, and maybe settle down...
No, not even close.
So this guy is inspired by Krieg from the Borderlands, and from Jekyl and Hyde. I posted him somewhere else, but I’d like full reviews, and I understand if there are something’s that are wrong or need a rewrite, I’m accepting truth and I don’t mind if it helps my character be made or improves! I hope I did... somewhat well considering this is my first try at a RWBY OC.
#33693691 - 1 day ago
Can I get some help. I am trying to make a team for a fan-made animations but I am having trouble coming up with their names. The team name is SLVR, the team leader S is male, wolf faunus, color is silver. Second team member L is female, human, I have not figured out what color she would be yet, I am thinking lemon yellow. Third team member V is female, scorpion faunus, her color is purple, I want her first name to be Violet but I can't think of a last name, I mite not give her a last name because she is an orphan that never met her parents. The last member R is male, human, his color is red. If you need more information I will only give their backstories, what I am thinking for their weapons and part of their appearance's. I don't want to give to much information because I want to leave most of it for the animations. I can get everything else with the characters done but I need help with the names. Please reply soon, I want to get these characters done before I have to leave for boot camp next month.