What happened to Frank. *Frank has just concluded the last of a long, tiresome series of therapy sessions lasting four months. Altogether it has been five months since the events of that faithful day. The first month was used to cure Frank of an ailment titled Paranormal Stockholm Syndrome, where Frank had adopted the belief that he himself was ghost by the time Alpha Team arrived and Frank proceeded to try and "take their meat". After receiving a clean bill of health, Frank has just received his new orders to meet up with Mu Team who will drop him off at the site of the newly assembled Bravo Teams latest mission which is just getting under way*
*A truck pulls up in front of Frank*
Mu Team leader: You Frank?
Frank: Yeah, you must be moo tea-
Mu Leader: Woah, what'd you say?
Frank: M-moo te-
Mu Leader: It's mew!
Frank: Huh?
Mu leader: Mew! M-U, mew. It's Greek.
Frank: K-kay...
Mu Leader: Well, get in. We're behind schedule.
Frank: Right
*Frank gets in the truck*
Frank: So uh...what does Mu team do anyway?
Mu Leader: Paranormal investigations involving, but not limited to livestock, mainly cow mutilations.
Frank: Oh...that must be...rewarding.
Mu Leader: It's a tough job, but it really gives you a sense of worth.
Frank: So uh....any leads on the whole mutilation thing?
Mu Leader: Gremlins.
Frank: Gremlins? Those things from like, WWII planes?
Mu Leader: After the advent of the jet age, Gremlins decided aircraft were becoming too dangerous so they moved their mischief to America's farmlands. Ever since they've been reeking havoc on livestock and spitting in the face of all who try to stop their evil machinations. That's why Mu Team was formed, and why we're the most dedicated sons of bitches in the whole damn force, ain't that right boys?
Mu Team: Horrah!
Frank:....
*Frank arrives at the sight of Bravo Team*
Mu Leader: This is it. Bravo should be waiting for you inside of the building. Good luck.
Frank: Yeah, thanks.
*Frank walks inside*
Frank: I wonder who they got to replace the old tea-
Bravo Leader: Hey, Frank! Long time no see buddy!
Frank: What the hell?!
Bravo 2: What, you don't recognize your old teammates?
Frank: R-recognize you?! You're all dead!
Bravo 1: Dead? What're you talking about?
Bravo 3: I don't think they told him Bravo 1.
Frank: Told me what?
Bravo 3: That we survived.
Frank: Of course they didn't tell me! You didn't survive! I saw you-I watched you guys die!
Bravo 3: Take it easy Frank
Bravo 2: Yeah, calm down, there's a perfectly logical explanation for this.
Frank: Are you insane?! There's no way, no way you can all be-
*Frank begins to feel light headed. He stumbles a bit and passes out*
Frank: Ahhh, my head. Was It just a dream? It must have been, how could I have seen-
Bravo Leader: Again with the commentating Frank, didn't we have a talk about this before?
Frank: Holy shit! You're-
Bravo 2: Woah, woah, hold on there. Why don't you let us explain before you go getting your undies in a bundle?
Frank: F-fine. Yeah, why don't you explain how you survived getting shot in the chest.
Bravo 2: Well, that's pretty easy. I faked it.
Frank: You faked a shotgun blast to the chest?!
Bravo 2: No, no, the shotgun blast was real, but it wasn't nearly as serious as I made it out to be. I was fine really, just a flesh wound.
Frank: Well, if you were fine, why didn't you get back up?
Bravo 2: And get shot by Bravo 3 again?
Bravo 3: I said I was sorry
Bravo 2: In truth though, I finally saw this as a chance to get out of this squad.
Frank: What?
Bravo 2: I'm a skeptic. I like logical things, and when illogical shit starts happening, my first response is to cover my eyes and get out. I'm sick of always having to say, there's a perfectly logical explanation during these crazy ass situations. I figured if I went back to base claiming to have just barely survived the whole ordeal, not only would I get some time off, they'd be sure to approve my transfer request.
Frank: So what happened? They didn't approve your request?
Bravo 2: Oh no, they approved it, unfortunately I didn't have a say in what team I got transferred too.
Bravo leader: They wanted to put him in the Cow Tipper Team.
Frank: Cow Tipper Team?
Bravo 2: Moo Team.
*A voice is heard shouting in the distance, "It's Mew!"*
Bravo 1: Bunch of crazy ass Gremlin chasing freaks
Bravo 2: Even this is better then spending half my nights covered in cow shit waiting for fairies to come try and to kill cows
Bravo 3: Jerks
Frank: Okay, okay, even if that explanation was remotely possible, I saw you get turned into a meatless skeleton chief. Your meat, it just wasn't there!
Bravo Leader: Exactly Frank, the ghost just wanted my meat. From what I can gather, looks like the ghost wanted to infiltrate bravo team and take us out in secret one by one.
Frank: Well, if that's true, why would he just take your meat? Don't you kind of need a skeleton to...you know...keep stuff from sloshing around?
Bravo Leader: Well, according to the ghosts thoughts while I was being possessed, it seems the ghost had come to the conclusion that every possession ends up a failure, because in the end, the possessed guy gets tied down and the ghost gets exorcized. Well, how are you going to get tied down, if you don't have bones? They strap you to a bed, and you just slip out with no bones to snag you.
Bravo 2: It'd be like trying to restrain a pouch of uncooked haggis, impossible.
Bravo Leader: Exactly.
Bravo 3: I've said it before, that apparition was one of the most cold calculating bad asses I've ever seen. I'd like to think that in another time, and another place, me and him might have become good friends.
*Bravo 2 stares at Bravo 3 for a few seconds in silent disbelief*
Frank: So, so why'd he let your body go then? He couldn't find the strength to support your skeletonless body, oh, or maybe you used your incredible will p
Frank: So, so why'd he let your body go then? He couldn't find the strength to support your skeletonless body, oh, or maybe you used your incredible will power to break free of his grasp?
Bravo Leader: Nah, it was all the Miller.
Frank: Huh?
Bravo 2: Well, since before that faithful day the main purpose of Bravo team was basically to dick around and rip off obscure Taiwanese ghost stories that we later labeled as, "reports", we tended to do a lot of drinking.
Bravo Leader: Turns out that ghosts apparently can get just as wasted as us meatbags. After a minute of stumbling around and bumping into walls, it put my bones back with my meat and aside from urinating ectoplasm for the next two weeks, I was just fine when I woke up.
Frank: So, what, you were just in the other room unconscious the whole time?
Bravo Leader: Pretty much.
Bravo 2: Maybe if someone wasn't so busy having a mental breakdown at the sight of his entire squad being massacred by an unseen hostile entity intent on the ending of our lives in comically painful and ironic ways, he might have checked the other room for survivors.
Bravo 3: You really cocked that one up Frank.
Frank: Well, what about Bravo 1. Out of us all, how could you have possibly survived?! To this day I can't eat a pack of pringles without having flashbacks of your bones being crushed by a decidedly diabolical bone crushing entity!
Bravo 1: Well, obviously it was no thanks to you assholes.
Bravo Leader: We've been over this Bravo 1, maybe if you had of kept an open line of communication, we would have come to your aid.
Bravo 1: How much more open then, "I need help or I'm going to die!" do I need to be?!
Bravo 3: Woah, you need to calm down. Frank already said you could just have easily been eating a pack of pringles-
Frank: What?!
Bravo 3: Once you pop, the fun don't stop, and by all the popping going on, we thought you were just having fun. If someone came in and smacked the pringles out of my hand, I'd be pretty pissed off.
Bravo 1: Nice going Frank
Frank: But I never said-!
Bravo 1: Anyway, there's a pretty simple explination for how I survived.
Bravo 2: A perfectly logical one at that.
Bravo 1: Shut up Bravo 2. Anyway, after the whole ordeal, I was just as dumbfounded as you Frank. That is until I looked it up in an old textbook. Turns out ghosts can cut you, punch you, bruise you, and even break your bones, but they can't actually kill you. You'd be surprised what you can live through.
Frank: What?! That's genies not ghosts!
Bravo 1: Excuse me?
Frank: Genies! You got that from Aladdin, a freaking Disney movie!
Bravo 1: I thought Genies and Ghosts were the same thing?
Bravo 3: No Bravo 1, A Genie is a creature from Arabic folklore said to be made of smokeless fire, although the Genies Frank is referring to are more derived from the popular 1885 translation of the book One Thousand and One Nights and featured in the 1992 Disney animated feature Aladdin. A ghost is a spirit, derived from a once living being, corporeal in nature that are generally assumed to be hostile in our line of work.
Bravo 1: Oh....Mind over Matter?
Frank: Are you kidding me?!
Bravo 3: Well, I guess it's time for old Bravo 3's turn. I bet you can already guess how I survived.
Frank: Um...not really.
Bravo 3: Well lemme break it down for you then. I just ain't that easy to kill.
Frank:...That's it?
Bravo 3: If you eat a good diet, exercise regularly, and abstain from illicit drugs, a few spikes going through you ain't gonna do much more than tickle. And I eat a lot of Wheaties...it's the breakfast of champions you know.
Frank: You all can't be serious? Okay, okay, the Chief survived because the ghost was just borrowing his meat. Bravo 2 faked a shotgun blast to the chest. Bravo 1 survived because of mixed up rule he got from a Disney movie, and Bravo 3 made it because he's one tough cookie?!
Bravo Leader: Yup
Bravo 2: Seems about right.
Bravo 1: That about sums it up
Bravo 3: Don't forget the Wheaties.
Frank: Okay, this is impossible! This just isn't possible! I'm freaking out here, I'm freaking out man!
Bravo 3: Listen Frank, if you freak out here, you're going have another mental breakdown, end up in another 4 months of therapy, and then just end up in Bravo Team all over again. You wanna go through that all over again?
Bravo Leader: Plus, if you chill out, we'll give you one of those helmets that make the "chuck" noise.
Frank:...Seriously?
Bravo Leader: Seriously
Frank: Sweet! Can I go by Bravo 4 as well?
Bravo Leader: Don't push it Frank.
Frank: Sorry. So, what're we doing here anyway?
Bravo 1: We're supposed to be investigating reports of a ghost dog.
Bravo 2: Can't be worse then a little girl right?
*Something hits Bravo 2's leg*
Bravo 2: Son of a bitch! Something bit me!
Frank: It's happening all over again!
*Screen fades black*
Bravo 3: Don't worry Bravo 2, Sgt Scruffy just messed with the wrong Team.
I bet you spent ages coming up with that joke about Mu Team/Moo Team being responsible for investigating livestock (including cattle) mutilations, didn't you?
Never mind, the whole script is really funny and manages to capture the entire feel of the mini-series. Poor Frank, he's trapped in a recurring nightmare. That is what you get when... you've left the 'Automatic Respawn' box checked on the options screen!
The ghost, after nailing the last Bravo, got back into the boxing match with Frank and beat the crap out of him. Frank then proceeded to cry like a little girl until Alpha Team found him. Cue Rocky-style training music and a montage of Frank training to fight the ghost again. The ghost makes Frank cry like my mother looking at the monthly electric bill (again), end of story.
Yeah, I wrote that story when I heard there was going to be a F.E.A.R. 2 as a homage to the great series. I wanted to post it as a new topic so everyone could enjoy, but I don't have the karma. Anyway, it's nice having it here.
The Mu line pretty much just came to me, i'm kind of proud of the livestock investigation line.
