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HAHAHAHAHAHA.... TWILIGHT CAN SUCK ITFADE IN:
EXT.
WASHINGTON
KRISTEN STEWART goes to FORKS, WASHINGTON.
KRISTEN STEWART (V.O.
)
Once upon a time, there lived an enchanting girl named Stephanie Meyer, er I mean Kristen Stewart. She was so awesome that her awesomeness couldn't be contained in Arizona, so she moved to Washington to stay with her father, who was totally lame and not cool.
BILLY BURKE
Hey honey. I'm super lame. I got you a car, but it's totally uncool because I'm totally uncool.
KRISTEN STEWART
Thanks Dad, or whatever. Time for my first day at a new school. Since every coming-of-age story requires the main character be a social outcast, I suppose I'll have to endure being the unpopular new girl until I do something that proves my worth.
KRISTEN goes to school and is INSTANTLY POPULAR AND BELOVED.
ANNA KENDRICK
Oh my God I love your hair you're so pretty will you be my new best friend?
GREGORY TYREE BOYCE
Can I take you out sometime since you're so awesome?
MICHAEL WELCH
No way you asshole, I saw her first!
KRISTEN STEWART
I'd rather watch "The Messengers" than date either of you.
Why don't you go ask Anna instead?
ANNA KENDRICK
Ohmigod I'm getting Kristen's rejects, that's so awesome!
KRISTEN STEWART
Wow. I guess this is what it looks like when the unpopular fat girl's pathetic daydreams get written down and published into a bestselling book.
Aren't well-written characters supposed to have flaws?
ANNA KENDRICK
Flaws? Oh, well, um, I suppose you could argue that you're a little TOO perfect and amazing. But I don't think so. Let's make out.
Suddenly, ROBERT PATTINSON enters. The paleness of him and his family members reach blinding levels while the squeals in the movie theater reach deafening levels.
KRISTEN STEWART
Who's the albino Wolverine?
ANNA KENDRICK
Oh, him? That's Robert. He's universally acknowledged as the hottest boy in school but he doesn't date anyone because no girl is good enough for him.
KRISTEN STEWART
No girl is good enough for him? Man, the excuses closested homosexuals come up with these days...
KRISTEN sits next to ROBERT, who nearly vomits in his mouth and leaves school for a week. Eventually, he returns.
KRISTEN STEWART
Hey, where did you go? Because you are exceedingly mean to me, I find myself attracted to you.
ROBERT PATTINSON
Sounds like textbook daddy issues, you fat cow.
KRISTEN STEWART
(swoon)
ROBERT PATTINSON
You have a bright career as a stripper ahead of you.
ROBERT and KRISTEN continue not quite interacting with each other and having no chemistry what-so-ever.
KRISTEN STEWART
Hey, your eyes are changing color from gorgeous to ultragorgeous.
What's going on?
ROBERT PATTINSON
Alright, you got me. I was acting like a jerk because I secretly totally love you.
KRISTEN STEWART
Of course! This also explains why the captain of the football team always acted like he hated Stephanie Meyer!
ROBERT PATTINSON
There's more. I want to eat you.
KRISTEN STEWART
Holy shit, really? I need to go home and do some waxing first, but...
ROBERT PATTINSON
No, I mean literally eat you. I'm a vampire.
KRISTEN STEWART
Hmm. The only way I will believe you is if you carry me up a mountain using special effects from the 70s.
He DOES.
KRISTEN STEWART
You really are a vampire! Does that mean that garlic, stakes, and sunlight kill you?
ROBERT PATTINSON
Don't be stupid. All of that lore is far too interesting for this movie. Being a vampire just means I get superpowers. It's like being Spider-Man, but sexier. Also, I sparkle in the sunlight.
KRISTEN STEWART
So that's why why your family moved here, because it's always overcast!
ROBERT PATTINSON
That's right everyone, this whole movie is a two-hour-long setup for a joke about the Pacific Northwest.
KRISTEN STEWART
So if you're immortal, how old are you anyway?
ROBERT PATTINSON
Over a hundred, but to be fair I've spent most of that time working on my hair.
The two of them GAZE into each other's eyes with UNCOMFORTABLY HUGE CLOSEUPS for 80% of the rest of the movie.
INT.
KRISTEN'S BEDROOM
KRISTEN wakes up to find ROBERT watching her sleep.
KRISTEN STEWART
Holy fucking shit! If you weren't so hot I'd have you arrested! How long have you been doing this?
ROBERT PATTINSON
2 months.
KRISTEN STEWART
But I've only lived here one month according to the script.
ROBERT PATTINSN
Yeah, the script was written in six weeks. Don't get hung up on shit like that.
KRISTEN STEWART
Oh. Well, as long as you're here I guess we could have sex.
ROBERT PATTINSON
No, I can't have sex with you! I'd be unable to control myself! I'd bite you and turn you into a vampire! Also I ejaculate boiling venom, so I'd need to wear like fifty condoms.
KRISTEN STEWART
Wait, we can't have sex at all, and you can't suck my blood? How can you make a vampire movie without anyone sucking blood?
ROBERT PATTINSON
It's alright, I think this movie already has more than enough sucking.
INT.
BILLY BURKE'S HOUSE
BILLY BURKE is cleaning his gun and drinking a beer while listening to country music.
KRISTEN STEWART
Dad, my boyfriend is coming over to pick me up. Try not to get dork all over him.
BILLY BURKE
Okay, let me meet him after the movie makes the film industry's ten billionth joke about protective fathers disliking boyfriends.
KRISTEN STEWART
Alright.
Oh, and also: He's a 100-year-old vampire, don't say anything racist about vampires, okay?
ROBERT PATTINSON
Hello, sir. It's a pleasure to meet you, Kristen has said absolutely nothing about you because you're so lame.
BILLY BURKE
So I hear you're a 100-years-old. And interested in my 17-year-old daughter.
So, mathematically that's like, what, a 40-year-old dating a 6-year-old?
ROBERT PATTINSON
Ummmmmmmm...
BILLY BURKE
Yeah, so my friend Chris Hansen would like you to have a seat right over here.
KRISTEN STEWART
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