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December 18th, 2014

Merry Christmas, Screen Gems!

To All a Goodnight (1980)
¡Feliz Navidad, Screen Gem fanáticos! Come on in, shake the ice off your boots and warm yourselves with a warm glass of Holiday Glögg. Did you guys think we forgot you this Christmas? It’s been a weird year to be sure and I know we haven’t been around that much… But tis the season for miracles, right? Besides, it’s just not the holidays unless we can gather together in a darkened theater to get festively schnockered while watching some of the cheesiest holiday horror films ever made. And don’t worry, tonight’s festive flick doesn’t disappoint. We got one more seasonal slasher you can add to your yearly viewings of ‘Black Christmas’ & ‘Silent Night, Deadly Night’. So lets start a new tradition with a movie I’m sure you’ve never heard of, ’Too All a Goodnight’!

It’s kind of like if ‘The Sorority House Massacre’ was made more like a cartoon Christmas special. Sounds like a holiday classic, am I right? And just like every other Santa Slasher out there, you got a a killer dressed up just like the fat man knocking over coeds left and right. But I need to point out right away exactly when this movie came out, January 30th 1980. Need I remind you that this is a CHRISTMAS horror flick. Forget the fact that this movie overshot its mark by well over a month. That’s not what’s important. What is significant is that this flick came out four months before a little cinematic treasure called, ‘Friday the 13th’. Why is this important? Well we have to sneak a peek at our presents a little early, so SPOILERS! See the twist ending of this flick is that the psycho Santa was really a murderous Mrs. Claus all along, and her motive for her yule-time killing spree is eerily similar to a certain Mamma Voorhees. I think Victor Miller, the writer for the original ‘Friday the 13th’ has some explaining to do. He’s already admitted to ripping off 'Halloween', but I think somewhere in his research he may have gotten the idea of a female killer from this flick.

But while this movie isn’t anywhere near the league of those two amazing flicks it does have a horror movie pedigree attached to it. It was made by the one time director, David Hess. This was the guy who played one of the most sadistic horror movie baddies. You guys remember Krug from the original ‘The Last House on the Left’? The namesake inspiration for Freddy Kruger. Yeah, when Wes Craven was a kid he was terrorized by the school bully, a kid named was Kruger, so Wes used the name in a lot of his earlier flicks. But forget the namesake, Hess’ performance was a stellar one in ‘Last House’, and is one of the scariest villains on film. Seriously, he’s right up there with Darth Vader and Leatherface.

But sadly, while Hess makes a helluva a psycho, his directing isn’t nearly as good. Don’t get me wrong, its a fun little flick, but this is definitely one of the lesser holiday horror pictures. So drink up, it can only make this turkey better…

Let’s get those Drive-In Totals:
We Have:
15 Dead Bodies
7 Breasts
6 Sexy Sorority Sluts
3 Bumbling Detectives
1 Creepy Caretaker
Holiday Hazing
Bimbo Stabbing
Bimbo Druging
Bimbo Choking
Spontaneous Voguing
Santa Stalking
Roofied House Mother
Tone Deaf Guitar Serenade
Throat Slitting
Beaten To Death
Axe to the Face
Severed Head Hanging from Shower Head
Mid Make-Out Garroting
Blood Sprayed Bimbo
Double Kill By a Dual Prop-Plane Propeller, a.k.a. Rotor Blade Fu
Head Rolls
Chunks Roll
Exploding Coed
Multiple Shallow Graves
Multiple Bimbos Over Balconies
Multiple Saint Nick Slashers
Gratuitous Pornstar
Gratuitous Over Sexed Bimbos
Various Psycho Santa Fu
Axe Fu
Giant Butcher Knife Fu
Crossbow Fu
Drive-In Academy Awards Goes to Leia the Cheesy Theater Major Nympho Doing Her Doped Up Ballet Dancing Routine in the Background for the Last Twenty Minutes of the Flick!
2 & 1/2 Stars!
Check it out! And someone pass me another Glögg before it gets cold… that stuff is tasty…

And sorry about the whole spoiler thing, but don’t you worry, there’s actually ANOTHER surprise twist after that one. See this flick is the gift that just keeps giving.

And I almost forgot, as I mentioned in the Drive-In Totals we got a pornstar cameo in this picture. Don’t get too excited because it’s Harry Reems. But we all remember Harry’s big picture right? Costar to Linda Lovelace in 'Deepthroat'! That’s another great picture that keeps giving and giving…

Ah… I mean.. let start the show! Merry Christmas, Screen Gems!

Back to the Flix! Roll it!!

”We should open our Christmas presents, that might cheer us up. But it isn’t time, we should wait and do it proper. If we’re around that long!

’To All a Goodnight Full Movie
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