I hate what I'm becomingAs everyone who has met me in person knows, I'm chilled and laid back, with just about everything, and I'm cool to do whatever.
Yet, for whatever stupid reason, when I'm at my computer, a side of me that doesn't care about the consequences comes out, and is slowly ruining the social life I've been careful to grow here.
I'm not gonna lie, and say it's not my fault. Because it's atleast half my fault. I admit I fuck up every time I post a stupid journal, attacking someone, or whenever I start an argument, and refuse to back down.
I don't like that I do this, and I want to change for the better.
'Whats the reason for this sudden change?' I hear some of you ask. Well, Ben (Caiti's housemate, and I can't for te life of me remember his RT username. sorry Ben) recently contacted me, and asked for my side of the story, which has helped me get rid of enough negative thoughts, that I can see how much of a dick I've been.
So, I wanna ask you guys for some help/advice/whatever I need, to help me become the person I want to be.
All I ask, is that those who aren't happy with me, give me a second chance (or a 3rd, 4th, 5th or whatever chance I'm up to). You don't have to, and I'd understand.
My depression, and trying to fix itAs you all know, I suffer mild depression. (I say mild, because while it does affect me, I can usually stop my 'descent into the darker pits' of it). However, the form its currently taking, is loneliness, and between my nature of being a recluse, the fact I don't live close enough to my friends, to actually be able to just hang with them, and my problem with not being able to easily talk to people/start conversations, is not helping.
So i want to change this.
My location, is something that can't be changed for a while, so I'm not asking for help, in relation to that, and my recluse nature, requires my locale to change (from the middle of Nowhere, NSW).
So, I want you guys, to help me acclimate my social anxiety, so I can atleast try talking to you guys, without this annoyingly BS fear that appears.
So, tell whats been happening with you guys? Inform me about your lives. I know I've been lax in this, and that makes me a shit friend. You can tell me anything, and I'm gonna try and strike up a convo. I spent 7 years, improving my gaming skills, while everyone else improved their social skills.
Because of everything................thats happened in the last few weeks, I think you guys should get to know me more.
My entire mentality, revolves around the concept of Duality You cannot have Light, without darkness; Good, without Evil; Life, without Death, etc.
This makes me a very laid back, and often very accepting individual. I don't care about your skin colour, religion (but we will have a problem, if you try and force it upon me), gender, sexual preferences (except of things like Rape, since performing that is unforgivable), who your friends are, etc.
It also allows me to see things from both sides, which is why I like to argue with people, and to start discussions. Arguing, is one of the few ways I know how to gauge people, and to learn more about them easily. If you ever catch me arguing with you, and I'm laughing, or seem to be having a good time, it means I'm trying to get to know you better, or at the very least, understand you.
In relation to this, I've spent my quite a large portion of my life, being an outcast, but still being a part of the 'group of friends' I had in school. So while I do understand the most basic parts of talking to people, I often struggle with either asking for help dealing with problems involving specific people, or with hiding stuff that needs to be fixed soon.
Since coming back to RT, and improving my social life a fair bit, I've done this in the form of journals, where I point out problems, without naming people (with the exception being Campaignageddon). As @Ember said in defense of me in one of my previous journals 'He likes to discuss things that are bothering him. He is also very blunt. It makes some people uncomfortable.'
Now, a fair few people often list these journals as 'passive-aggressive' or 'negative', which is fair enough, if anyone else were to post them. However, as the people close to me know, I like dealing with problems in a way, where I make the issue public knowledge, so that either someone who knows this sort of stuff can help me or give me some advice, or that the people involved know I have a problem with this, and I hope in a vain attempt that they might try and fix it themselves.
I know this isn't an ideal way of fixing things, but combined with my mild social anxiety, and my fear of confrontation, this is the easiest way for me to deal with problems
Also, in regards to me private messaging people, if you are one of the lucky people to have access to my Kik or Skype, know that I suck at small talk, most days. There isn't many people I can keep a random convo going with, so I usually keep convos going only if I have important info to say, or you are willing to just act stupid and go along with the crazy conversation we might have (like with me and @LinkGandalf. Our Kik conversations usually turn into strange, Warhammer 40k style conversations, between soldiers of differing ranks, of various levels of absurdity). Hell, the only person I can keep a conversation going with all day, is the woman I love, because everything about her fascinates me. So never feel like I'm purposefully ignoring you, if I haven't messaged you in a few days, it often means that I've either been busy, or I didn't want to interrupt your day.
Nothing about my mindscape is rigid, since it is often quite flexible and mercurial, but it does tend to have negative affects on me (like literally alternating between being really happy, and really sad, for different days of the week. That amount and speed of emotional change, is not good for one's mental health).
Also, in regards to the emotion of hate, when I say I hate something, I mean it. I don't feel emotions lightly, I feel them deeply and rather strongly. However, my hate often fades after a time, like with the very few grudges I've held against certain people. So yes, when I say hate, I mean it, but it will fade quickly, if I'm not reminded about it constantly.
Thats all I think I can tell you guys atm, since nothing else is popping into my mind, so thanks for reading.
An Amazing weekendThere are no words, to describe the amazing time I had in Melbourne this year.
On Wednesday, I spent most of the day traveling, to eventually meet up with @Raddlez, and catch the plane to Melbourne. Between getting to my Nan's place (where we were staying), and somehow managing to organise something for the Friday, when we were trying to organise something for the Wednesday night, we had a good time (And Glenn managed to get me hooked on 2 new shows: Alphas and Eureka).
On Thursday, we met up with the lovely @Vitani (Erin) and her boyfriend, to go to a Science Museum, and press ALL TEH BUTTONZ. After this, we met up with @Nelly, and chilled for a bit, before Erin and her BF decided to leave. Nelly, Glenn and I decided to go get a bite to eat, and then explore Melbourne for a bit. We managed to find an arcade, which had a really fun horror game which monitored your heart rate. While Nelly and Glenn's would usually alternate between being at 100 and 120, depending on what happened, mine stayed at an almost smooth level of 85-90 (Which annoyed Glenn to no end XD) We eventually found a pool place, were we proceeded to waste a fair few hours, both playing pool, and making fools of ourselves, in the vain attempt to throw each other off our game XD
On Friday, we met up with @Treb, @shellavation (Sean), @Camaran, @Linh, @Jimmyson07 (James) and @GetDown01 (Adam), to which we explored the city some more, until it was close to the time of the ARTST meet up. While the others stayed at the pool hall, Glenn, Adam and I went to meet up with the awesome @Daisy, and to finally meet her friend @DAS147 (David). After doing a reverse mugging on David, we left for the Trams, to meet up with the others. The ARTST event was okay, but I had fun talking with everyone. Half way through the night, @Jack and @Coolcaiti turned up, and, I have to say, the night got a lot more fun. (Now, I know a lot of you think that there might be some level of hate or bitterness between me and those 2, but I assure you, there isn't. While I have no doubt Jack didn't recognize me, which is understandable considering how many fans he interacts with, I had a pleasant time talking with him, and my respect for hi is back at the level it was before. And since I didn't know how to talk to Caiti, after what happened, and because I didn't want to ruin a fun night, I kept a respectful distance from her, and let her enjoy herself, since she definitely needs it)
On Saturday, Daisy and I made a trip to the train station, to pick up David and his girlfriend (Glenn had to go in early, due to helping Caiti and Hanabee with stuff). Once we picked them up, we had the fortune to find a wild @Indiefaerie, who joined us in the cramped tram to the Convention. The Convention itself, was a blast. I had fun, hanging with everyone there, and chilling near the Hanabee booth. Glenn and I, had a fun time getting back into the city from the convention, arriving at the tram stop we needed, at around 8pm (when we left the Con at 5:30pm XD). But before we got on the tram we needed, we discovered that @ZoeEmiP was gonna be in the city, so we decided to pay her a visit, since it had been forever since we'd seen her, and we missed her a lot. After a fun time of figuring out how to get to her, meeting up with her and her friends, and the slightly perilous trip home, we had a blast.
On Sunday, I woke up, with a bad sore throat, so I made the smart decision, to stay behind. Unfortunately for me, this is the day when all the fun video stuff (like the AHWU), was being shot. I also missed out on the chance of going to the Mana Bar (a small gaming bar) to hang with everyone. It sucks that I was sick, and missed everything, but I'm glad I didn't spread it, to all my friends.
On Monday, Glenn and I decided to explore the city again, hoping that Nelly would be able to join us (but he was busy sleeping :P). We went back to the arcade, and between Glenn earning a lot of tickets from Plinko machines and Mega-Stacker, and me constantly beating him at the arcade version of Mario Kart, we had a blast. Once it started raining, and the few other ideas we had for stuff to do turned out to be really expensive, we decided to head back to my Nan's lace, and watch Eureka until we needed to leave. Besides our plane being delayed, and the plane itself arriving almost an hour late than the delayed arrival time, Glenn and I parted ways.
Since then, I have quarantined myself in my room, taking medicine every 6 hours, to make sure I'm healthy by the time I get back to work (Since working with food, and covering everything in mucus and snot are not a good combo).
If this is what I have to suffer, to have an amazing weekend, then I will gladly do it every single time ^_^
I'll be writing up a more personal Thank You journal, in a few days time :)
If someone asks for an honest opinion, and gets what is considered a negative opinion, don't attack that person.
Why is it so hard, to acknowledge that people aren't gonna have the same opinion, and it might be radically different to your own?
EDIT: Either read my opinion, or watch this video which helps. (End of Edit)
(Warning: Opinion Ahead. It is not set in concrete, what I say doesn't reflect my exact thoughts, and is not 100% formed)
From what I've seen so far, there are 3 groups of people in the communities I pay attention and participate in, with various personality types split between these types.
We have the Positives (who see everything from a positive perspective), Negatives (People who see things from a Negative perspective), and the WGAFOT (Who Gives A Fuck What Others Think).
Positives, tend to display 'White Knight Syndrome', to people who are not only able to look out for themselves, but are actually asking what others think, and getting an occasional bad comment. Some of the 'Knights' also tend to display a zealous devotion to the people they are defending, which borderlines on Cult-like fanaticism in their defense of said person. And a fair few tend to show a bit of elitism (but then again, everyone does at some point).
Negatives, tend to display 'Blunt Honesty Syndrome', and its why I love them so much. They are gonna give you exactly what they think about situations, and they aren't gonna honey their words to make you feel better. Yes, its gonna hurt, but they are trying to help you, not do the work for you. (This is primarily where me, and a fair few people whose company I enjoy are located) They tend to be viewed as assholes, but can often be very nice people. (Hell, I literally know someone like this, who has been referred to as 'The nicest asshole I've ever met'.)
WGAFWOT, just don't care. They'll read something, then either not care, or try and stop fights before they start.
Now, a few words to each of these groups.
Positives: Calm the hell down. People are allowed negative opinions, and they probably are not gonna agree with you. Don't attack them, insult them, and get the hell off of your high horse. The people you are defending, are old enough to look after themselves, and should know how to appropriately handle negative opinions by now (and if they don't, maybe its about time they learn). They don't need you to bring your zealous fervor, where its not needed.
Negatives: Learn from others mistakes. If you know others have posted a similar negative opinion about someone, and are being attacked because of it, maybe privately message the person in question your opinion. I know its not ideal, but apparently, its the grown up thing to do. Also, and I knows its bullshit, try keeping some of your opinion to yourself. (No matter how hard it is XD)
WGAFWOT: Keep doing what your doing. Most of you are doing a fine job, of avoiding the messes that the other two groups, and when you can't, you guys do a good job of attempting to keep the peace.
And yeah, I know a lot of these Types and Personalities can be mixed around (Like I'm a Negative, who often is a Knight to the people I love, and care for).
If someone asks for an honest opinion, and gets what is considered a negative opinion, don't attack that person.
Why is it so hard, to acknowledge that people aren't gonna have the same opinion, and it might be radically different to your own?
EDIT: Either read my opinion, or watch this video which helps. (End of Edit)
(Warning: Opinion Ahead. It is not set in concrete, what I say doesn't reflect my exact thoughts, and is not 100% formed)
From what I've seen so far, there are 3 groups of people in the communities I pay attention and participate in, with various personality types split between these types.
We have the Positives (who see everything from a positive perspective), Negatives (People who see things from a Negative perspective), and the WGAFOT (Who Gives A Fuck What Others Think).
Positives, tend to display 'White Knight Syndrome', to people who are not only able to look out for themselves, but are actually asking what others think, and getting an occasional bad comment. Some of the 'Knights' also tend to display a zealous devotion to the people they are defending, which borderlines on Cult-like fanaticism in their defense of said person. And a fair few tend to show a bit of elitism (but then again, everyone does at some point).
Negatives, tend to display 'Blunt Honesty Syndrome', and its why I love them so much. They are gonna give you exactly what they think about situations, and they aren't gonna honey their words to make you feel better. Yes, its gonna hurt, but they are trying to help you, not do the work for you. (This is primarily where me, and a fair few people whose company I enjoy are located) They tend to be viewed as assholes, but can often be very nice people. (Hell, I literally know someone like this, who has been referred to as 'The nicest asshole I've ever met'.)
WGAFWOT, just don't care. They'll read something, then either not care, or try and stop fights before they start.
Now, a few words to each of these groups.
Positives: Calm the hell down. People are allowed negative opinions, and they probably are not gonna agree with you. Don't attack them, insult them, and get the hell off of your high horse. The people you are defending, are old enough to look after themselves, and should know how to appropriately handle negative opinions by now (and if they don't, maybe its about time they learn). They don't need you to bring your zealous fervor, where its not needed.
Negatives: Learn from others mistakes. If you know others have posted a similar negative opinion about someone, and are being attacked because of it, maybe privately message the person in question your opinion. I know its not ideal, but apparently, its the grown up thing to do. Also, and I knows its bullshit, try keeping some of your opinion to yourself. (No matter how hard it is XD)
WGAFWOT: Keep doing what your doing. Most of you are doing a fine job, of avoiding the messes that the other two groups, and when you can't, you guys do a good job of attempting to keep the peace.
And yeah, I know a lot of these Types and Personalities can be mixed around (Like I'm a Negative, who often is a Knight to the people I love, and care for).
Just wanted you guys to know a few things: - I'm having now, til the 16th of april, off of Team Speak. Why so long, i hear you ask? Well, the past 4 or so days, my body and mental thought processes have been acting differently than normal, and its causing me to react badly to people I care for (I.E. For the past week, I've been muted, and barely talking, because I'm getting pissed at people, for stupid reasons) Also, the main reason why its a 2 week break, is that I'm going to be in Melbourne for roughly a week, with no Computer access, besides my phone. I'm still willing to talk, Via Skype, Kik, RT messages, Facebook, or normal messaging (if you have my number), just know that I may be more blunt than usual.
- Supanova Related: I'm not going to see Jack at Melbnova As of a few days ago, I no longer ave any interest to see Jack at Melbnova. I'm primarily going, to see fellow Roo Teeth members, and to buy hard to get geeky stuff, like Figurines, Anime, Plushies, etc RoosterTeeth (the company) is starting to lose its appeal to me, so that might be the cause of this.
- Recommendations: Anime Since i am going to Supanova, I'll be able to purchase ALOT of anime, that is often quite hard to get through normal shops. So, what are your recommendations that I look for? (Examples of stuff I like: Rebuild of Evagelion, Deadman Wonderland, Soul Eater, Gurren Lagann, Cat Planet Cuties, etc) I'm definitely gonna try and pick up Panty, Stocking & Garterbelt, since I've heard a lot of good things about it. But what else would fellow Anime viewers recommend?
Last year, I met an amazing person, who means so damn much to me. She was one of the people who helped keep me out of the fatal grips of the depression I faced last year, and she is pretty much the only person who can easily turn one of my bad moods, into a good one.
However, her life is horrible. She had a traumatic childhood, and during high School, was essentially forced into living with the family friends she now lives with (It was either live with them, or live on the streets). She is being imprisoned by these same Family friends, because they believe they know better than her. She isn't allowed to leave the house without someone going with her, wasn't allowed to try and get some higher education, hasn't even been able to get a job, and has become insecure about everything, due to their influence. She is effectively raising their kids primarily by herself, since the Male is either working, or being depressed about not having a job (or some other bullshit. I have sympathy for people who suffer depression, but not those who actively sabotage others), the the Female is either to busy writing, or going off to writing conferences, with her friends, to raise her own children properly (someone definitely has their priorities wrong.........). They constantly berate her, for not doing a good enough job, yet she seems to be doing a better job than both of them, and she doesn't even have the luxury of either being able to leave the house, going to her own room (since she is forced to sleep on their couch), or locking herself in a room to have alone time (none of the doors have any freaking locks........) She means the world to me, and i mean the same to her, but her house mates are actively trying to keep us apart. They control her internet, and often check her RT page and Twitter for private messages from me (we have managed to find a way, thank god). If, by some miracle, I am actually able to either go and see her, or able to get her here, they've threatened to ex-communicate her from her family. This doesn't sound like the acts of someone who cares about her, this sounds like the actions of someone who is scared of losing the only person that lives with them that actually does anything useful.
The only way, I can guarantee that she can be happy, is by effectively saving up, and paying for her to get here (not something I have a problem with, since I'll finally get to meet her in person.....), but its not cheap, and I won't be in a situation to properly do it for a few years, and since she barely earns enough, due to her house mates, she can't exactly help.
Thats a few more years, of watching her suffer, and slowly slide into the grips of depression, while I sit back and watch, not being able to do anything..........
Now, explain to me, how the fuck, I'm supposed to have a positive view of the world, when the main positive thing in my life, is repeatedly being fucked over, and messed with.
Big surprise I view things from a negative view point.
Planning stuffIts gonna be my birthday in 4 months. July the 3rd.
It's supposedly a big one (my 21st), but I don't understand why that number is considered significant.
Tbh, I'm not looking forward to it. For the last few years, its pretty much been 'Happy Birthday Jarrad' for an hour, then all my relatives will ignore me, and talk amongst themselves, after giving me the gifts I bought for myself, on their behalf.
'What about your friends?' I hear you ask. Exactly. What about them? I give them 4 months notice, and yet, I didn't get anything besides a very belated 'Happy Birthday'.
This year, was gonna be different, since I've made a lot of friends within the last year, so there is actually a chance someone might come over.
Nope.
Almost everyone I'm friends with in my state, is gonna be in Austin, Texas, having a blast..........
Anyway, I want to change this depressing situation, and have a birthday that I enjoy.
Anyone have any ideas, of what to do for a 21st? and would anyone be interested in coming, or just doing something?
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