It's in black and white for starters. The whole god damn movie. There's a fat guy watching the first movie on a monitor.
A bitchy girlfriend and boyfriend storm out of a car, and the fat guy is staring into there souls... WHEN HE PULLS OUT A GUN AND SHOOTS THEM IN THE TOES!!!
The suspense thickens when the bitch screams.... Like a bitch. Fat guy murders the bitch and exits the parking garage.... In their car... I think. The car is a mini van, a kind of car of which you know someone is about to get raped. He rolls over the bitchy chick... Dat ass...
He opens his trunk full of others that he's kept in his stalker like van. He magically warps to his office, to rewatch his favorite scenes from the original Humancetipede ... (A movie inside a movie? Humanception.)
A bald guy yelling at a camera, fat guy sees him through a monitor.
He's driving home now in the rain... Or not in the rain. Some guy holds open a door to a warehouse for fat guy.
Fat guy paces inside the warehouse, thinking with his double chins. Turns out the guy who held the door for him is selling him the ware house... He's also British and looks like a filthy bum. Lightning flashes, much like it is outside in reality and the fat guy is listening to his heart beat while the British bum is on the ground presumingly dead...
And now he's raping him... Or at least it looked like it.
Stuffs the body in his minivan and takes down the lease sign on the warehouse. He lays out all the people on the floor of the warehouse. One of the guys he captured is grunting like a moron.
He cuts off his pantalons, when his cell phone rings. It's a telephone marketer.
There's a black guy on the ground, tied up. He kills him with a crowbar...
Racist mother fucker.
Fat guy has a baby...? He also has shit himself, in his own bed. I guess its like a flashback to when his mummy was taking care of him. He takes his photo album of the first human centipede and looks at one of the actors... And snacks his lips together.
His mom is brushing her hair, he's getting ready for... Something that's probably unimportant and irrelevant to the story.
Old guy with an AWESOME FUCKING BEARD shown. Don't know why. Fat guy feeds his centipede... Something.
The guy with the awesome beard is... I think his dad, but maybe his psychologist.
Awesome beard guy explaining the metaphorical reason for his wanting of a twelve person humancetipede... It's bull shit for his dad... Who's in prison?
Cuts to fat guy and his mom having diner. I guess some people are having a rave upstairs...? His mom decided to do the most stereotypical old person thing to do: Bang on the ceiling with the broom and tell at the damn kids to turn down their music.
This movie is TERRIBLE so far.
20 minutes in...
Knock on the door... Who is it? ... Who the fuck is that? A bald guy with a tattoo? He's also British... And... WHOA! He has fat guy up against the wall! His mom runs away while the bald guy, of which we find out he is a punk from up stairs, and flips over a table. She badly screams "AH. AH. AH. AH." With a weird pause between each "Ah". So fatty is pinned up against a wall... The British fucker yells at him with his British accent, but you can't take him seriously with his accent.
Cuts to the present... He starts pudding blood...
This is fucking gay.
He's drawing diagrams from the original humancentipede... He smacks his lips again.
Two dressed up black family with a baby enter in a car.... He shoots at them... Kills the father... Comforts the baby after killing the dad... Puts the baby back in the car.
He starts to cough, showing that he needs his inhailer to live, the black lady crawls away but OH! What a surprise, she couldn't. Right in the head with a crowbar... Very anticlimatic...
Puts the... I guess unconscious bodies, NOT dead bodies, in his gay van.
Starts watching the first movie... Again... Salivating.
Two drunk British girls... This should end well.
Okay... Now they're tied up in the warehouse. One of the victims is pregnant... You know what that means!!! PREGNANCY INSIDE OF SOMEONE'S MOUTH!!! WOOOOOOOT!
This movie just gets better and better.
Power goes out... I think he turned it off...He examines the pregnant girl and the rest of the victims... With a flashlight... In the Dark... Why didn't he just do that in the light?
One guy breaks the fourth wall by KNOWING what's going to happen to them... Using the term "He's going to stitch us up.... ASS TO MOUTH"
He goes to bed, his mother looks at him. He closes his eye, and he has a verbal memory of his dad raping him. His mom cuts herself with a knife.... For some reason. And looks under the mattress of his bed. He gets up and sees his scrap book of the HumanCentipede.
She's freaking the fuck out. She says "Mouth to anus" for some reason. Fatty gives her the weirdest look ever... DEATH STARE.
Hey look, she's ripping up the scrapbook now... Very anti-climaticly... Like ripping the pages and throwing them at him... And he's stumbling onto the ground trying to pick them up. He's crying and she leaves the room. His masterpiece... Destroyed. He hugs the title of the scrapbook, puts on his night gown and walks into the living room to see his pet centipede...
He cried in front of the centipede.
His mother comes from behind him, stating that she wants him out of the house. HE PUSHES HER HEAD IN THE TANK OF THE CENTIPEDE AND IT BITES HER FACE.
... How unexpected... Sarcasm intended.
She had a mini freakout on the ground, he goes to grab a crowbar and smashes her brains into the ground. He starts to cough again and grabs his inhailer.
Her head has a huge gaping hole in it, and he drags it out to the kitchen... And eats diner with it, like she's still alive. The same thix
Back in 2006 or 2007, Ryan and I were going to try-out for our school's variety show. (We couldn't have an actual "Talent Show" for that would hurt kids "feelings"... Fucking elementary school boards.) Anyways, as a joke (I hope, I'm still not sure if it was.), we decided to go with one of the popular hits that all the kids loved, High school musical. To be more specific, "We're All in This Together".
We practiced in my living room, watching over and over of the video, of whi Ryan had on DVD for some reason. (I think he's gay, It's been indesisive for a while.). After the mind numbing music began to wrinkle up my brain tissue, we were finally ready. During the routine, there was a minute for free dancing, of which we undecisively picked a few dumb dance moves. (For me, the robot and humping the air.) Finally it was the day of the tryouts. Sitting on the ground of the gym floor, Ryan came up with an idea to do during the free dance.
"I should do a cart wheel off your back!"
A bit skeptical, I thought it was a stupid idea. But, he somehow convinced me to do it. (Because cart wheel's are cool when you're 11 or 12.)
We got up on stage, my heart racing because i wasn't sure if this unplanned stunt of his will work. We did our normal routine, and then we finally arrived at the free dance session. He stuck the cart wheel.
We made it into the show.
Fast forward few weeks, and it's the day of the show. About to be put on stage, me and Ryan were trying to get pumped up. About to be put on stage, the crowd of pubescent kids started chanting Ryan's name, for Ryan was more popular than me and people didn't know me. His name echoed throughout the gym. He was pumped up.
But no one chanted my name.
A bit let down, we were about to go do our performance. The crowd was about to dim down, until a faint voice arose from the silent crowd.The voice shouted,
"AND JEFF TOO!"
Then a chant of Jeff's suddenly bursted from the crowd, disrupted though from our enterence on stage. We did our cartwheel, which was followed by a lot of "OHHHH"'s and "AHHH"'s.
There was even a bunch of "EEEEEE"'s.
SO, to conclude this story, I must say a few things.
1.) Ryan suggested to me that we should do something from "High School Musical 2" next year.
2.) I'd like to thank whomever shouted my name out of nowhere. That will flurrish in my mind for as long as I live.
... Unless I get Alzheimers.
3.) No matter how old you are, Cart Wheel's will be fucking bad ass.