Blockbuster Employee of the Monthwww.27bslash6.com/blockbuster.html From: David Thorne Date: Sunday 8 November 2009 2.16pm To: Megan Roberts Subject: DVDs Dear Megan, Thank you for your letter regarding overdue fees. As all four movies were outstanding examples of modern cinematic masterpieces, your assumption that I would wish to retain them in my possession is understandable, but incorrect. Please check your records as these movies were returned, on time, over three weeks ago. I remember specifically driving there and having my offspring run them in due to the fact that I was wearing shorts and did not want the girl behind the counter to see my white hairy legs. Regards, David. From: Megan Roberts Date: Monday 9 November 2009 11.09am To: David Thorne Subject: Re: DVDs Hi David Our computer system indicates otherwise. Please recheck and get back to me. Kind regards, Megan From: David Thorne Date: Monday 9 November 2009 11.36am To: Megan Roberts Subject: Re: Re: DVDs Dear Megan, Yes, they are definitely white and hairy. Viewed from the knees down, the similarity to two large albino caterpillars in parallel formation is frightening. People who knew what the word meant might describe them as 'piliferous', although there is something quite sexy about that word so perhaps they wouldn't. Regards, David. From: Megan Roberts Date: Monday 9 November 2009 1.44pm To: David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: DVDs Hi David No I mean our records indicate that the DVDs have not been returned. Please check and return as soon as possible. Kind regards, Megan From: David Thorne Date: Monday 9 November 2009 4.19pm To: Megan Roberts Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: DVDs Dear Megan, With the possible exception of Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay, the movies were not worth watching let alone stealing. In Logan's Run, for example, the computer crashed at the end when presented with conflicting facts and blew up destroying the entire city. When my computer crashes I carry on a little bit and have a cigarette while it is rebooting. I don't have to search through rubble for my loved ones. The same programmers probably designed the Blockbuster 'returned or not' database. Also, while one would assume the title Journey to the Centre of the Earth to be a metaphor, the movie was actually set in the centre of the earth which, being a solid core of iron with temperatures exceeding 4300˚ Celcius and pressures of 3900 tons per square centimetre, does not seem very likely. Waterworld was actually pretty good though. My favourite bit was when they were on the water but the scene when Kevin Costner negotiated for peace, ending the war between fish and mankind moments before the whale army attacked was also very good. Regards, David. From: Megan Roberts Date: Tuesday 10 November 2009 3.57pm To: David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: DVDs David The DVDs are listed as not returned. If you cant locate the DVDs, you will be charged for the replacement cost. Megan From: David Thorne Date: Tuesday 10 November 2009 5.12pm To: Megan Roberts Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: DVDs Dear Megan, I have checked pricing at the DVD Warehouse and the cost of replacing your lost movies with new ones is as follows: Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay $7.95 Waterworld $4.95 Journey to the Centre of the Earth $9.95 Logan's Run $12.95 I have no idea why Logan's Run is the most expensive of the four movies as it was definitely the worst. Have you seen it? I wouldn't pay $12.95 for that. I would use the money to buy a good movie instead. Probably something with Steven Seagal in it. The entire premise comprised of living a utopian and carefree lifestyle with only three drawbacks - wearing seventies jumpsuits, living in what looks like a giant shopping centre and not being allowed to live past thirty. This would seem logical though as I would not want a bunch of old people hanging around complaining about their arthritis while I am trying to relax at the shopping centre in my jumpsuit trying not to think about the computer crashing. I was recently forced to do volunteer work at an aged care hospital. Footage of these people during Tuesday night line dancing could be used as an advertisement for the Logan's Run solution. The only good aspect of working there was that I halved their medication, pocketing and selling the remainder, explaining the computer listed that as their dose and they were welcome to check knowing their abject fear of anything produced after the eighteenth century would prevent them from doing so. I also swapped my Sanyo fourteen inch portable television for their Panasonic wide screen plasma while they were sleeping, explaining that it had always been that way and their senility was simply playing up due to the reduced dosage of drugs. Regards, David. From: Megan Roberts Date: Wednesday 11 November 2009 1.21pm To: David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: DVDs Hi David I have not seen those movies so I dont know what you are talking about. I prefer romantic comedies. If you have the movies we can't rent them so we lose money and the fees are based on what we we would have made from renting them and we also have to purchase movies through our suppliers not from DVD Warehouse. Megan continued in comments.......... |
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