||The Undecided FactorIts no secret that women are impulsive, unable to make decisions, frequently change their minds and can drive their closest of friends and family to the brink of insanity. |
I am such a woman.
I have juggled plenty of jobs, dreams, aspirations and still, have not arrived. (Ladies and gentlemen, fasten your seat belts and remain in your seats. There is a disturbance in the force.)
For the past few years, all I've been doing is thinking and doing things that I thought would make me happy. Things that I thought would benefit my family and I. Things that I had laid out, planned and did. I did these things, and yet the feeling of shallow victory rings true. These things do not feel like success. These things do not make me happy.
Perhaps, I would never arrive. (The plane's engine has cut out!) There is no such thing as having it all. Maybe they were lying. You can't have your cake and eat it too. Think of the calories!
All this pressure to be successful, to measure up, to make those around you take you seriously, to be sexy and smart at the same time. This struggle for constant approval, this battle to be perceived as a person of worth. As a woman of worth.
Maybe it isn't worth the battle, the struggle, the tears and the frustration. (Uh oh, we're going on a nosedive.)
When I first stepped into this unknown, foreign land, all I felt was the brimming sense of opportunity. This is it! This is where my dreams come true! This is where I will make a change in my life and make everything better for everyone!
Little did I know, that I had no clue what my dreams were. In fact, I had no idea who I was. I was nothing but the expectations of those around me. All that feeling of opportunity, it was all fed to me. I gladly accepted their exclamations, thinking to myself that THIS IS IT! It was after all, far easier to just accept than to think and decide for yourself. (I see water! We're having a water landing!)
I don't think I've made any sort of decision that was truly for myself. I always had to seek approval, do my research, reassure myself that it was the right thing to do, because see? This whole stack of books, these bookmarks on this browser? Its ok, according to them anyway. Who are they? They're not me, but they sure sound confident. More confident than me... and smarter. Also, maybe sexier too.
I've come to a point in my life where every day I struggle with decisions. Not just what sort of cat food to buy my beautiful, but painfully skittish kitten, or what sort of nylons to wear to church... but what to do with myself. I find that I grow weary of thinking of my future. No one gave me a guide on this. No one gave me a map. Not even a damn compass. (Pull those cords folks! Slide down the side of the plane, one by one.)
I know I'm rambling, but this is actually one of the first times I've ever voiced (or is it typed? expressed? bah! whatever) this sense of loss. Its a loss of oneself. I'm afraid I'm lost in the constant buzz of the world around me. All the messages that tell me, I'm not there yet, that success is if you get bigger breasts, or fairer skin, or a skinnier waist. The stream of information that tells me I do not measure up, that there are women around me who have cake, pie and ice cream and STILL fit in their size 0 jeans.
So here I am, floating in the water, waiting for some knight in shining armor. I hope he gets here soon, because I plan on killing him. He was probably gonna tell me his princess is in another log or something.