My name is Angel Natalie Taylorsen. I'm 17 years old, just under 100 lbs, 4' 11'' tall, and very alone.

Over the last two years, I created a series of now-deleted journal entries of my life, which has occupied much of my time and helped me cope with my life. Many were exaggerated, stupid, unbelievable, and some smaller ones were downright fabrications. It's gotten up to about 70 entries until I stopped indefinitely. This marks the end of that series because of personal events in my life.

This is a revised variant of the entry, one that makes sense. The original one was terribly written when I was emotionally afflicted and managed to get a bunch of non-sympathetic, and some sympathetic, responses, the non-sympathetic pointing out supposed lies trying to garner sympathy. I'm rewriting it because I have nothing better to do and because it gathered so much negativity in it that I felt entitled to make it less wahhmbulance and more of it's intended informative purpose. For those non-sympathizers, this revised version is probably still unbelievable, but I can't change that. I don't know a lot of the specific details. Believe whatever the hell you want.

Allow me to repeat myself in saying I'm not doing this for attention or sympathy. The sole purpose is to tell my RT friends that I'm leaving. It was never directed towards anyone else.

My brother died in a drunken car accident during Thanksgiving last year. To add to the emotional burden, my dad died on my birthday several days later, December 12th, as he was going out at night to pick up my birthday cake. I feel 100% responsible for both deaths. Two years ago, my brother promised me he would always be around and help. That was around the time when I became extremely rebellious. Last year he completely disowned my family because of my behavior and my dad's refusal of intervening in my life. He left because of me, and before anyone else says otherwise let me refer to a couple sentences ago - my brother promised me something and he has never broken a promise except for that one. I can only determine I'm the reason for him leaving. I find myself to be the cause of my dad's death as well because he always feels entitled to get me a cake for my birthday. I hate sweets, he knows I hate sweets, and he still went and bought a cake for me before he died. Had I not been born, this would have never happened. I'm actually responsible for my mother's death as well. She died in a car crash when I was 7, while she was on her way to pick me up from a friend's house near my birthday as well. My guilt is overbearing, but I've just started coping with it.

My dad, to the best of my knowledge had no will or testament or anything. All of his property would be handed over to next-of-kin, my aunt, and I would have been placed under her care. That was my assumption anyways, but, due to reasons unknown to me, she refused to take me in and put me into an orphanage. I now live at the orphanage, filled with kids that resent me because I knew my family and they didn't.

My area is a wealthy community and while I did attend a public school, they riddled most of the classes and activities with expensive participation fees. I wouldn't have been able to pay for any of them and my grades were terrible so I dropped out. I wouldn't have wanted to stay for another year and a half anyways. My brother was a star student, but I'm the class dropout. They always compared me to him anyways.

My two best friends have graduated early, and are pursuing going to universities in the spring/summer with full-ride scholarships. One of my best friends has actually be forced to shun me forever. We were somewhat in a relationship, but his father disapproved after meeting me during the break for the first time, thinking that I'm some sort of money leeching bitch. Which I guess I sort of acted like that a little bit, considering I'm just a poor girl in a rich community. My friend had to literally beg on his knees to keep me around, and his father eventually agreed to that on the condition that he chooses when we see each other. We haven't seen each other since. However, my friend has arranged to pay for my dad's apartment so I can still stay there if I want/need to. I don't really want to, since it's practically empty thanks to my aunt, and it's really painful to be reminded of my dad...

I'm pessimistic about my future. Having no work experience whatsoever, no ability to take care of myself, and nobody to console me, I have a feeling that I'll die soon. Probably within the year.

In my original journal entry, I ranted about how my aunt, people I knew, nearby teachers and adults, and even my friends didn't give me much consolation. "It's going to be alright" is possibly the worst reassuring phrase I've ever heard. I would have much rather liked to hear something that doesn't seem optimistic or pessimistic. Just something neutral. I actually came up with the phrase "Be strong", which could be taken as "You'll get through this" or as "Accept your fate with dignity". Some friends and even people that I don't even know have commented on this journal saying that exact phrase. To them, thank you very much, even though I didn't exactly want to hear it now.

I'm seventeen so I have a slim chance of being adopted. To be frank, I don't want to be adopted. I'm incredibly lazy, and I'm so horrible at doing things that I'd probably screw myself over if I tried to get a job and had to pay for damages.

So I feel bad. I miss my family and friends. I'm pretty much giving up. The thing is, I'm a firm believer in karma. I believe in the whole reaping and sowing concept. I've done some stupid and terrible things. Playing with a girl's feelings and making her confuse her sexuality, impersonating a boy for about half a year at school. Getting drunk. Lying a bunch. Accidentally destroying hundreds, if not thousands of dollars of stuff.

The point is I fucking deserve it. And now I'm never coming back. Good as dead.