You know those questions you ask people when you’re first getting to know them? The ones that have the potential to reveal a lot about the person? Yeah. We know those questions too.
Welcome to "Up Close and Uncomfortable," a new monthly content feature that gives readers an intimate look into the inner workings of Rooster Teeth staff members’ minds.
In our first edition, we pose a pretty simple question:
What’s the most embarrassing thing to ever happen to you?
10th grade picture day. I wanted to look nice, so I wore new light-wash jeans and a strapless blue shirt. I also started my period this day (no, not for the first time. That was in 7th grade) which, I guess at this moment in time, decided it would become really fuckin’ REAL all of a sudden.
You can probably see where this is going.
I sit down on the chair to take my photo, get up, walk out of the hall, and feel… well, let’s just say “damp” to put it lightly. I go to the bathroom, turn around, and see that I had completely bled through my jeans. And I’m not talking about a little spot. Imagine murdering someone, having them bleed all over the floor, then plopping down in that blood and standing back up.
To this day, I have no idea if I left anything on the chair I sat in for picture day, or if anyone noticed, but how could they not have? Lucky for me, I had a sweater in my locker that I tied around my waist, called my mom in tears to pick me up, and went home.
That night I forced myself to start using tampons.
I was in my first year of college, and I was still getting used to having a roommate since I've had my own room for the longest time. She was out getting groceries, and I thought, “Oh wow, this is the best time to...
...watch porn and masturbate.”
Best way to hear porn is surround sound, so I had my really good headphones on.
I mean like. You can probably already guess how it ended. My roommate came in, I had my hand in my pants, and there was porn on my laptop screen.
The best/worst part is we didn't talk about it. She was just like, "O-Oh!! Hey!!!" and like, tried to sort her groceries with her back turned to me while I tried to pick up the broken shards of my dignity by speaking REALLY LOUDLY to her and singing songs out loud because of the adrenaline of being caught.
To this day, she is one of my two favorite people I've ever lived with.
I was pantsed in high school gym class during a game of dodgeball. Gym shorts and boxers down to the ankles.
I shit my pants during a huge bike race in pre-k.
It was a brutal day in more ways than one. It was a hot, summer day in Texas, so it was like 220 degrees. No one wanted to be there, kids and parents alike. We were a bunch of kids on training wheels with oversized helmets going about -5mph down the track because, shockingly, four-year-olds have terrible motor skills. Most of us didn't even know our colors yet. Shit, I remember one kid in my class had just learned to talk the day before. Imagine THAT fucking kid hopping on a bike. That's a far cry from his normal day of being the mute kid sitting in the corner eating glue.
Anyway, I was about to steal that kid's dumbass thunder because I was near the back of the peloton and I was freaking out. I had to shit like NOW. I remember thinking that if I stopped cycling, I'd be ok.
So I stopped...
Big mistake, because now people were looking at me as the other kids raced by. I created a scene and people were getting involved. My teachers were telling me, "Keep going! You can do it!" and in my head I was like, "No. I can't do it, because I'm about to shit all over this bike."
Pretty sure the tears were welling up in my eyes as my handle on this situation was slipping away. Literally.
Then it happened.
I couldn't hold it anymore and I unleashed hell into the seat of my tiny pants. Holy shit. I mean I don't even remember eating that much but I shit enough for a grown-ass man and a great dane. It was so much. It was everywhere. All down my legs, down the bike, on to the ground. It looked like I got dipped in melted chocolate.
I was totally defeated and it was most certainly the lowest point of my four-year-old life. I was covered in shit, crying like a little bitch – in full view of my entire school with my parents in the crowd – and Lennie the Mute had just passed me on his tricycle.
There's no coming back from that.
However, I don't remember getting much ridicule after it happened. I think everyone felt so sorry for me that it wasn't even cool to make fun of me. Pretty sure my classmates were just like, "Damn. Glad that wasn't me, because… just.. damn." My parents never even spoke of it.
That was my lone memory from pre-k. Life has gotten better since that day.
Thank you for your time.
Lemme tell ya: middle school was hard. In the 7th grade I took my first theater arts class. We were performing a play in front of the entire school in order to practice for an upcoming competition. I was cast as a fairy boy. I wore green tights, a little Peter-Pan-like outfit, and to really drive home this mental image, I'd also like to inform you that I was super chubby at this point in my life... and had spiked hair. Really sexy look. Anyway, in the middle of our very first performance, at the end of my very first scene, I knocked down the ENTIRE set. My leg got wrapped on a cloth, which pulled down a curtain, which knocked over a pylon, which toppled the back wall, and so on and so forth. The entire student body laughed as I stood, mortified, in little green tights. Like I said, middle school was hard.
I once pissed my pants when I was in 9th grade. I was taking a test in my computer studies class and had an urgent need to go to the bathroom. My teacher said I could go to the bathroom but if I went I'd have to turn my test in since he didn't want anybody cheating. I went through and tried to complete my test as quickly as possible and as I was finishing up my last question I couldn't hold it anymore and pissed my pants. When I was 15 years old in high school, I pissed my pants. I stayed in my seat and waited until the person next to me finished their test and asked them to hand mine in for me. Luckily it was winter so I had a coat with me, so as class ended I made sure I was the last person in class and stood up and wrapped my coat around my waist to hide my soggy pants. I only had one more class for the day and for some stupid reason I decided to go to it instead of going home. I went to class, finished out the day then ran the fuck home. To this day I still wonder why I was so stupid to not go to the bathroom, and then to stay in school and not go home.
(No explanation needed.)
And there you have it: your first glimpse into the dysfunctional lives of Rooster Teeth staff. New issues of "Up Close and Uncomfortable" will be released the first Thursday of every month, so check back on April 7 for your next dose of depravity.
As always, leave a comment to share your most embarrassing moments. I'm sure there are some jaw-dropping stories out there.