family guy quotes
Peter Griffin: Holy crip, he's a crapple.
Chris Griffin: Hey, birthday dude! You want some ice cream?
Stewie Griffin: Yes, but no sprinkles. For every sprinkle I find, I shall kill you.
Stewie Griffin: Jo-LENE. I've got an army to raise and I must get to Nicaragua. I require a window seat and an in-flight Happy Meal AND NO PICKLES. OH, GOD HELP YOU IF I FIND PICKLES.
Stewie Griffin: Okay, I got it, I got it. If you cooked anymore slowly, you wouldn't need an egg timer, you need an egg calendar.
Peter Griffin: Step aside, its time for me to do my fatherly duty.
Peter Griffin: I said duty, but no time to laugh about it now.
Smurf #1: Yo, Smurf, that party last night was freakin', Smurf!
Smurf #2: You bet your smurf it was!
Smurf #1: Hey, I saw you leaving with Smurfette.
Smurf #2: Yeah. Right when we left the party, she started smurfin' me.
Smurf #2: Shut the smurf up! Right in the smurfing parking lot?
Smurf #2: Oh, yeah.
Smurf #1: That's freakin' smurf!
Smurf #2: You betcha.
Smurf #1: Freakin' smurf.
Stewie Griffin: [to Peter] When the world is mine, your death should be quick and painless.
Peter Griffin: Oh, you people can kiss the fattest part of my ass.
Peter Griffin: Brian, there's a message in my Alpha Bits. It says "OOOOOO".
Brian Griffin: Peter, those are Cheerios.
Meg Griffin: You could kill all the girls who are prettier than me.
Death: Well that would just leave England.
Stewie Griffin: Mother, I come bearing a gift. I'll give you a hint: it's in my diaper and it's not a toaster.
Jesus: [Talking about a gun] Have you ever held one of these?
Chris Tucker: Have you ever held one of these
[Takes out a joint]
Death: Hey, my ankle is feeling better so I should be on my way.
Stewie Griffin: You're leaving but you just got here? Can we keep in touch by e-mail? Let me give you my e-mail address. It's loismustdie, all one word,@yahoo.co
Peter Griffin: Chris, everything I say is a lie. Except that. And that. And that. And that. And that. And that. And that. And that.
Stewie Griffin: [Picking up the phone] Hello, operator. Hello... Oh god, that's right you have to punch in the numbers nowadays. Uhhh, I should know this. Oh yes,
Stewie Griffin: 867-5309, yes that's it. Wait that's not it, damn you Tommy Two-Tone. Huh, only one thing to do 111-1111, Lois? Damn. 111-1112 Lois? DAMN. 111-1113...
[Peter is receiving communion]
Peter Griffin: Wow, is that really the blood of Christ?
Peter Griffin: Wow, that guy must've been wasted 24 hours a day, huh
Lois Griffin: Peter, Stewie peed on the carpet again.
Peter Griffin: Do... do I rub his nose in it?
Glen Quagmire: Tuesdays in the '80s I was always in bed by 8... and home by 11.
Glen Quagmire: Fat chicks need lovin too, but they gotta pay.
Stewie Griffin: You. Fetch me my copy of the Wall Street Journal. You two, fight to the death.
Meg Griffin: Wow, Chris, did you lose weight?
Chris Griffin: Well, I've been working out all week.
Meg Griffin: You look wicked skinny. I'm like, jealous.
Chris Griffin: Thanks, Meg. I'm jealous of your mustache.
Meg Griffin: [freaked] I don't have a mustache... do I?
Peter has accidentally unleashed the 10 plagues]
Peter Griffin: There has to be some explanation for this.
Brian Griffin: You want an explanation?
Brian Griffin: GOD
Brian Griffin: IS
Brian Griffin: PISSED
Peter Griffin: Yes, we all enjoy the Bible in this house!
Francis Griffin: Really? What's your favorite book of the Bible?
Peter Griffin: Ah... um... ah... the one where Jesus swallows the puzzle piece and the man in the big yellow hat has to take him to the hospital?
Lois Griffin: Peter, you're drunk again.
Peter Griffin: No, I'm just exhausted because I've been up all night drinking
Peter Griffin: It's OK, Meg. Your mom is full of Christmas cheer and enough tranquilizer to take down an bull elephant.
Stewie Griffin: [pointing to rifle and crotch alternately] This is my rifle / This is my gun / This is for fighting / This is for fun!
Brian Griffin: My therapist thinks I'm in love.
Peter Griffin: Holy Crap! You can talk!
Stewie: What the deuce?
Peter has gotten liposuction]
Stewie: My god, it's finally happened. He's become so massive he's collapsed in on himself like a neutron star.
Glen Quagmire: I felt guilty once, but she woke up halfway through.
Stewie Griffin: The port is quite good.
Brian Griffin: Yes, quite good.
Chris Griffin: Indeed.
Peter Griffin: Most certainly.
Brian Griffin: What year is it?
Chris Griffin: '51.
Peter Griffin: Ah.
Stewie Griffin: Delectable.
Brian Griffin: Indeed.
Chris Griffin: Yes.
Peter Griffin: [Peter bursts into flames.] Oh, dear.
Brian Griffin: What is it?
Peter Griffin: I spontaneously combusted.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, I am sorry.
Peter Griffin: Oh, it's quite all right. I've grown tired of living.
Stewie Griffin: Ah, very good then.
Chris Griffin: For the best.
Brian Griffin: Yes, indeed.
Stewie Griffin: Tsk-uh! Is it raining again?
Crackle: Those freakin' elves, man. They just came out of the trees, they just came out of the trees!
Pop: You saved my ass back there, man.
Crackle: You saved mine.
Crackle: [as he lifts his beer in a toast] Here's to Snap!
Pop: [they clink glasses] To Snap!
Peter: Okay you bastard you wanna play rough? Alright, until you bring the Gumbels back, I am going on a hunger strike. Eh? How 'bout that Callaghan? Can you live with that on your conscience?
Peter:Eh? ... You gonna eat that stapler?
Callaghan: Well, uh, you can't eat a stapler
Peter Wanna split it?
Luke about to give lady eye sugury:
Obi wan: use the force
luke: no, its ok i got it
obi wan: use the force luke
[luke uses the force and stabs the girl in the eye]
lady: AHHHHHHHH MY EYE!!!!
obi wan: i have never been happy