Caszie

Not Specified
from Illinois

  • Activity

    • Day #2 on the site

      3 months ago

      Caszie

      I mean.... day number..... 1,553


      So, after my journal yesterday I thought I would explore a bit. 

      I ventured into the community tab and of course, as I always did on the old site, I went to that good good feed tab. Love me some of that news feed. I read all my friends posts from the last like four months in five minutes and then went into the everyone fun times. Which was lackluster to say the least. 


      Not that you guys are boring! But that there was one new post every hour or so. 

      I cleared my notifications, which were bountiful, and went to sleep. 


      Jump forward to right now, I just got back from Creep's house and am settling into bed after a long day of work. I have two notifications. One message. One new post from a friend. Because he's posted everyday for 1600+ days. 


      I have well over 1,000 friends. Only one post? During RTX of all times? Seriously? 

      Bonkers. Ass. Shit. 


      I'll continue trying this but for now, here are ways to actually contact me:

      Snapchat: caszie25

      Instagram: casziiee

      Twitter: caszielove96 


      See you guys tomorrow!

      <3 <3 <3

    • Henlo, it me.

      3 months ago

      Caszie

      Ayyyeee. Alright. Lets get started. 


      An introduction, to the new folks who may see this: My name is Cass, also known as Fishy Queen. You'll understand the fish thing in like a solid two seconds. I used to post daily and we had a blast on the old site! I've gone to the last three RTX's and am hella bummed I'm not with my babes this year. Tragic. Capital T. Now lets get into the update part of this. 


      Current list of pets *EXCLUDING ALL SHOP ANIMALS* 

      (I'm also not gonna do scientific names but I will upon request.)

      Tats, tiger salamander

      Juniper, crested gecko

      Percy, leopard gecko

      Red, red ear slider turtle

      Penelope and Persephone, dwarf rabbits

      Mani and Riot, Whites tree frogs

      Charlotte, Mexican red knee tarantula

      Limp C. Biscuit and Echo, tiger tail seahorses

      19 various semi-aquatic crabs including devils, panthers, vampires, and marsh.

      8 land hermits and 6 fully aquatic hermit crabs

      and of course, as always, well over 150 fish. 

      ..... I think that's everybody? I think?


      It has officially been a year since I become the big boss at work. I manage an exotic pet shop, one of the most well know in the state. I just got back from a business trip to Georgia for a super fun fish health seminar. Have you ever seen a whale shark eat? It's pretty rad. What's even cooler is when manta ray eat. They do flips, guys. If that isn't me asf. Also, LARGE. BOTH ARE LARGE. I only cried a lot. 


      Current tattoos are my horseshoe crab, which I have photos posted of. I also got both of my feet done, within one week of each other. Which was all fine and dandy but honestly my left foot hurt more than my sternum and fuck that forever. I got a reef shark on my right foot and a beautiful sturgeon done on my left. I love them. I'm planning my next but that's still a secret. Shh!


      I turned 22 about a month ago, the day after my birthday my grandpa passed of stomach cancer. That was a really rough time. He and I were very close and I had to come really face to face with some things. I'm healing, slowly. 


      Did someone say single??? Oh, you didn't? Oh. Well. I am. 

      I gave up dating/sex for almost 7 months now. The dating thing was easy because I was never really that person to begin with. I am an extremely physical person though and this whole abstinence thing actually makes my skin crawl. I started selling lewds/camming in my free time which has been tons of fun! If you're interested in that fun stuff, let me know. Other than that, the love scene is nonexistent. Which isn't a bad thing! Fully by choice. I needed to get in touch with myself, ya know. Get centered and figure out who I am right now. 


      My hair colors as of right now are black, blue, purple, and grey? I don't know where the grey faded from but it's there and it looks cool so I'm not making it go away. Out of the current RTX sad feels, I'm wearing my "Keep Austin Weird" shirt and my Tower of Pimps bracelet. I also have a slideshow of my past RTX shenanigans going on my phone's home screen but lets not talk about that. Also, I drive a bright red prius now. I love her. 


      I think that's most of the big stuff? 


      I'm sure I'll remember something else as soon as I post this. Bless my heart. 


      How are you? What have I missed? What should I do to get back into the community? 

      Is the site working any better? Any cool features I should know about? Do you wanna drive with me to Texas? Right now? Right now. Cool. Let's GOOOO!


      <3 <3 <3

    • Waddup

      3 months ago

      Caszie

      Not being at RTX has me all up in my feelings. Expect a journal later tonight. 


      How about an update?

      Wanna hear about my current animals?

      How about some events that have occurred? 

      What are you wondering?


      Do you even really remember me?

      I guess that's a fair question. Since the site changed over I've hardly been in this space. 

      Remember my daily postings?

      Remember how much I LOVED this community?

      I miss that. I miss you.


      Do you remember me?

    • Ebb and Flow

      8 months ago

      Caszie

      Hey, guys. 

      Yeah, I'm still here. 


      It seems this is still the go to place when everything starts to fall down. It used to be a place to put my greatest hopes and dreams too. Mostly, now, I just come here to feel. Fully. 

      Journals are a safe place for me to just... I don't know. Talk. To no one. To everyone. 

      All at once.


      Right now, more than anything else, I want to feel less alone. It used to be that I could come here and I' feel full. I'd have a full heart and I'd walk away from my computer and I'd be ready to take on the world. Not so much now. 

      Right now, I'm alone. In my room. My animals are here, of course, but no one else. Just me. 


      Alone.


      I like to pretend that I'm okay with this. That there isn't a constant ache in my heart for someone to just be next to me. I don't want to talk, I just want to feel that warmth. 


      I push people away. All the time. Everyday. 

      I don't know why I do, I wish I didn't. 


      Sometimes, I don't wanna seem like I have it all together. 

      Sometimes, I just wanna cry. 

      Sometimes, I just want someone to hear me. 

      Sometimes, I need saving too. 


      Sometimes, I wish I wasn't the person that I am. 

    • This is still the shell of home

      11 months ago

      Caszie

      So. I want to die.


      Yeah, I did that on purpose. To catch your attention, to beg for it, in hopes that someone will finally say the right thing and I'll feel better about myself. Finally.


      I was abused. It feels like a long time ago. It feels like yesterday. I was hurt. In this moment, I feel like I need to label the hurt. I have been conditioned to believe that the word "abuse" needs a definition or it makes it invalid. I was emotionally bruised. I was mentally ruined. I was sexually damaged.


      At 14, when every little girl decides she's grown up, I met someone that took advantage of me. And he continued to do so until I was 18.


      I joined the site shortly after and it helped me bandaid the wounds he left behind. For a time. See, the fun thing about trauma is that it doesn't go away when you ask it nicely to.


      Still, I kept quiet. I tried my best to do exactly what he taught me- tell no one.


      But I reached a breaking point, and I started talking. Slowly, to my most trusted humans. And then I outstretched from there.


      My best friend stopped speaking to me after I told her. She did exactly what I imagined people would do if they knew. I can't look at her now. I don't know if she knows how much she hurt me.


      She was one of the few people here that I allowed into my life. As much as I allow anyone into my life.


      And now she's gone.


      I want to die.


      Not all the time, just most of the time. The times I'm not at work. The times I'm not drinking to forget. The times I'm not fucking to go numb. The times where I'm not directly doing something to make me feel good.


      I want to die.


      I can feel my blood. I feel it's hot. I feel it moving. I feel like I could dip my hands into my skin and pull. I want to turn my entire body inside out. I want to take away everything. I imagine how it would feel to feel everything and nothing at once.


      I have to wonder if it's an improvement.


      I know it's not.


      I'm lucky, I think. Because I can differentiate between the feeling of wanting to die and who I actually am. Yes, I feel that way now. But tomorrow I will wake up. I'll go to work. I'll see my clients, I'll fall into routine. My assistant managers will come in, they'll smile when I tell them I'm happy to see them. She will tell me something dumb she did. He will say something snarky, I'll flirt back. It'll feel right. 


      I'll drive home, listening to a podcast. I'll spend my Friday night reading. I'll sip my rum and coke. I'll imagine what it must be like to be young and free and reckless. I'll be in bed by 10:00. 


      Restart.


      I want to die, but I'm too busy.
      There's too much to do. 
      Too many people who rely on me.
      I can't stop, I can't even slow down.


      I feel jealous of the people who can say they are hurt. Openly, freely, as if it's not a sign of vulnerability. As if there is no stigma behind their feelings.


      I wish I could do that. I wish I could say to someone "this is how I feel" and not feel like a failure. Even writing this, I had to say it in a passive post. I'm not telling anyone how I feel, no. That would be insane. Instead, I'm telling everyone. To lessen the blow. 


      I guess, if I'm being honest, I don't want to die at all.


      I want to live.

      I just want to feel alive again.

    • Okay, hold on.

      1 year ago

      Caszie

      That last journal was true, and very exciting. But also sort of bullshit.

      Don't let me lie to you or myself.


      Dear you who would check up on the site just to see if I wrote about our situation, 

      here it is. 


      giphy.gif


      I don't hate you. I hate the person you were in the moment that I needed you the most. 

      I almost wish I did hate you. At least then I'd feel something for you. Because right now, there is nothing. Just a complete and total disconnect from who you are, who you were, who you will be as a person. I have friends who live across the entire planet who feel closer than you do. 

      In all honesty, we had been growing apart for a very long time. I don't know if we were ever as close as we thought we were. I don't know how much of it was an act or how much of it was just us trying to cope with ourselves. Maybe it was proximity. Maybe it was as genuine as we made it seem. Maybe it was just whatever the hell it was. 

      I don't feel so small now. I don't feel like I'm not good enough. I don't feel like I need you around. I've found new friends without you. I've made a new home. I'm growing as a person. Changing. 

      I may not like all of the changes I'm making, I may not be as put together as I'm trying to be right now. But I'm okay without you. You were a safety net I didn't need anymore. 


      Maybe that's as easy as it is. 

      I didn't need you anymore. 


      I don't know if you'll even read this. I don't want you to. I want you to move on with your life. With your new friends and your new life and your new you. I want you to be happy. To heal. To be more of what you are and less of whatever the hell you're trying so hard to be. I don't want you to spiral downwards. But I also can't care enough about that anymore. You gave me an escape from my problems because you always had a plethora for me to choose from. 

      I need to focus on me right now. And there can only ever be one of us.


      The end. 

      That's enough of that. Just a quick vent before I head to bed. 

      Thanks for being here, everyone. 


      Lots of love 

      <3 <3 <3 

    • Fish news!

      1 year ago

      Caszie

      Remember that time, like a year ago, when I started working at that local exotics shop? The one dealing primarily in fish and the such? And I was SUPER excited because it was a dream come true and I was just so happy to be there?


      I'm THE manager now. The only person above me is the owner. 

      How fucked is that.


      We started calling me Fishy Queen as a joke and now I am the literal Queen of Fish.

      I have actual clients who come in and request MY help on THEIR aquariums. 


      I'm so happy I exist in this life 

      <3 <3 <3

    • A few work stories to catch up!

      1 year ago

      Caszie

      There's this giant parrot boarding at work, right. Her name is Rico and it absolutely is as confusing as you think it is. HER name is RICO. How weird. Anyway, she only likes me when my hair is in a bun. So, I go out of my way to wear my hair exclusively in a bun when she is visiting. We sing together and she mimics me and I mimic her and it's just so pure and good. It's an experience that just warms your heart. 


      Today, I found out that horseshoe crabs molt. Like most other crabs and shrimps and sorts. Should I have known that? Yes. Was I still so excited I cried, fuckin' yeh. I cried so hard. I kept the molt. It's part of my dead ocean things collection. Right next to the corals and urchin. 


      My favorite thing to hear:

      Client- "Oh! Cassie! You're here! I'm so glad, I really need your input on...."


      It's funny how I've progressed so quickly in my job, which I feel like I can comfortably call my career now, even if I am just beginning. It's not even been a full year yet and already I have a fairly large following that comes in to speak to me and only me. It's so fulfilling to be genuinely appreciated for my niche. When I was still going to school to teach, I always thought that aquaria was just too small of a hobby to be a viable option. Working in a hobby store though, I realize how INSANE that was. I deal with people who are just starting out with a betta all the way to hundreds of gallons of water with fish that will get larger than I am! Also, I was placed in charge of the fish orders while the owner was out of town. I am o-FISH-ally the only one other than him that knows how to place the freshwater fish order. And I got some REALLY good prices, man! I got well over 1,500 fish for the week and spent less than a grand. I was so proud of myself. 


      Remember when we called me Fishy Queen as a joke? 

      We're not joking now. 


      P.S.-  Plane tickets, RTX badge, Hotel, everything is sorted out for my Austin trip! I'll be there early the 5th to lat the 10th! I'm beyond excited! 

    • I know what I said, shut up.

      1 year ago

      Caszie

      SO, I guess I'm gonna go to RTX or something. Yeah, yeah. I know. I said I wouldn't. But I caved, I can't do it, I love you guys too much. 


      Longer journal when I'm not supposed to be sleeping. For now....


      WHO WANTS TO GET A BIG OLE' FISHY HUG FROM ME IN TEXAS?!

       purple_heart purple_heart purple_heart


      ALSO, apparently I'm not a first member anymore? How awfully sad is that. :c

    • Holy Crab

      1 year ago

      Caszie

      I friggin' did it, friendos. 

      Here's my first tattoo. Ever. 

      It only took 3 hours and was an overall 7.5/10 on the pain scale in my opinion. Some places were a 3, others were a solid 8. But I couldn't be more happy with how this baby looks. 


      1648341-1493433424808-Screenshot_2017-041648341-1493433632228-IMG_20170428_210551648341-1493433698009-Snapchat-887570134


      The fish scales are for the most obvious reason. 
      The horseshoe crab represents my love of prehistoric aquaria. 
      The flowers were a dainty little touch that brought the whole thing together. 


      I'm so in love.

  • Questions answered by Caszie

    Your pillow? The pillows that you like? I tooted all over them. Like. 100+ toots were placed on your pillows.

    "Make this country great again. Eat grapes."

    Goodness no. BUT I do think Bernie and Burnie would make a good team. ;D

    I have always, always, ALWAYS wanted to play the harp. But I have zero patience!

    What's your favourite food? :D

    | Asked by: Haratkins 2 years ago

    PIZZA! or PASTA! or POTATOES! but more than likely I want ranch served with all of it!

    Why are you so short? ;3

    | Asked by: NealMcNeal 2 years ago

    The smaller and more precious a person appears to be, the easier it is to get away with murder and cannibalism. I'm not saying I do that, I'm just saying you've never seen me and an uneaten dead body in the same room.

    where are my keys?

    | Asked by: orangeking98 2 years ago

    You know how when you put a pair of socks in the dryer and one of them always disappears even though there's really no possible way that it went anywhere so you just assume it went to some magical far away place that closely resembles Narnia? Check there.

    THAT QUESTION IS JUST MEAN!!!!! So many options. But, I think I would be a Black Ghost Knife. I'm easy going, friendly, adorable, kind of derpy, I get into things I shouldn't, and if you feed me I'll snuggle the fuck outta ya. <3

    I think that's fairly accurate.

    Great question! Usually I let myself feel whatever I need to feel first. If I'm sad, then I'll be sad. If I'm angry, then I'll be angry. I'll let that run its course and then decide how to go about fixing it from there. Like right now, I'm really stressed out and I'm still mourning the loss of my fish, but I'm at the tail end of it. I started actively talking to people again, I'll probably clean my room, I might go out to eat by myself, do some squats, and go to the fish store and look at fishes.


    So. Long story short, feel it out and then do something that makes you feel happy, something that makes you feel prepared, something that takes you out of your comfort zone, something that requires some work, and then something that reminds you how fucking brilliant you actually are.