7 years ago
as per amanda's request. also, i've forsaken capital letters.
so, uh, things are pretty good. i'm emotionally stable and all, despite being rather down/depressed right now. but that's neither here nor there.
i did really well in school this last semester, so my mother's passion for highest honors has been sated for a while, at least. school's getting sort of confusing now, though. i sort of think that that's just the nature of the winter. days feel longer, things blur together, the highs are high, and the lows are low.
i've been writing a lot of poetry recently. it's hard to explain, but i think it's mellowed me out. i mean, i'm still the sophomoric, excitable, yet intellectually aware child that i was. but i can almost form anything i want when i'm writing poetry, and learn things about myself that i don't really understand.
uh, i'ma go now. my life just exploded over aim.
7 years ago
So, as you may have noticed, I'm still here. And my epic goodbye has been cut short by a series of personal defects (I keed, I keed). Well, this is me reconsidering. Call me selfish, but the internet, RvB, this is all a wonderful thing to cushion one's fall. It's nice to have a place to go... a place with a bunch of people united by a common interest, who can help you when you're disillusioned.
So, I'll still be here as infrequently as ever. At least, for now. Learning experience, non?
8 years ago
So, I was writing today when I realized that this is the first time I've ever really felt a connection to Thanksgiving. Up until now, there really wasn't much to be thankful for... But despite my current troubles and moodswings, I realized that there are so many things that I could not get along without. I'm so thankful for:
3. My family (they're dysfunctional, but they're my family)
4. My dog
6. The night sky
7. The world (let's not destroy it)
8 years ago
The point of part two was to give a little background as to why I find this place fascinating... It's its own little social ecosystem, surviving off of the products and failures of others work, growing with each new fad or video. When I joined, I really felt as if I could be part of something that transcended me. I could have something in common with thousands of other people, and be intimately aware of their life, and yet... Everything was fluid, and growing. There's a real magic about the start of something, the first few years when everything is new...
I tried to create my own machinima once. It failed (surprise). You know what I got out of it, though? Tons and tons of friends. Nick and I got closer with each and every failure to do something (the longer you collaborate, the more you talk, I guess), and I met some incredibly cool people. This is a chance that only a few lucky people get. It's one of those things where even though everything fell apart, people recognized that spark of emotion, and respected me a little more for it. I respected myself a little more, too, for proving that I could try something that wasn't failsafe.
I think that is what most defines me now; I don't want to live securely. Safely, yes... But the need to find new ideas and people and feelings is something that Red vs. Blue really made me aware of - even in the videos... I eventually realized that I loved them because they made me identify with something different.
The people - you guys and gals - showed me just how full of life one could be. I don't believe in losing the energy or verve to do something passionately. I don't believe age or work gets in the way, because the people on this website are all leading their own lives... and yet look at what comes out of it. Thoughtful machinima. Thoughtful debates. Thoughtful advice.
I remember one night (Varitek, here's your moment) Nick IM'd me over MSNM and told me some crazy girl was e-hitting on him. I laughed for a while. Nick? He was just my e-friend, cohort in dorkiness and writing. We'd gone through a bunch of shenanigans together on this site, and this looked to be another. "DENIED," I replied casually. After all, she was probably just one of the whiny wanna-be fans who had taken interest in Nick's work and views without "getting" them.
I was wrong. Amanda was just more forward than he or I had ever been or thought possible in a well-spoken, socially aware person. This is what the site did for us... We already had things in common, why not make a move? I mean, as a joke, to get to know someone better, but who knows what will come out of it?
I didn't. But I went along with it because Nick had an inclination - a correct one. A few months later he and Amanda were dating.
And now, Amanda, don't get offended, but I think this was the start of the end, in a good way. Nick's real life was coinciding with his online one... I was really glad for him. And that's when I realized something - I wished he could see that I was glad for him, and I wished I could tell others I was glad for him... But the regular people, the non-internet people would NOT get it if I tried to explain or tell the story. I needed to go out into the world and show them that I loved seeing people love (and here is where double entendres permeate stirring words. I keed, I keed. That was not a sex joke, I swear).
My point is that this site prepared me for the real world. Whatever issues I may have in my family or socially, I fell in with the right people here, and they instilled great values. Y'know, like biting sarcasm and pessimism! Kidding! The site did teach me how to laugh at my failures and help other people laugh at theirs, though. I'm just... a happier person.
Okay, I tire of writing. Expect more. <3
[EDIT: Also, Amanda and I share a covalent Jew-bond.]
8 years ago
This place has given me so much to think about and talk about. The people, the stories, the personal growth (yes, it eventually happened)... I hope everyone who reads this knows how much I appreciated them, even if I don't manage to get to you in these parting words.
Actually, appreciate is a bad word. The conversations I had with you and the thoughts you guys helped me think are worth of a lot more. I love this place, and everyone in it.
Well, I guess it was time to start my own life on Red vs. Blue, doing all I knew how to do at that point: appreciate, and be polite - and you know what? I'm glad to say that everything was reciprocated. Not all the time, and Newton's law of motion still holds true ("Every action has an equal and opposite reaction"), but the good far outweighed the bad.
I got involved in the goings on of Red vs. Blue not long after finding the place. I would lurk on the comments sections for the videos, where I made my first friend, or in the Filmmaking & Machinima forum. That place was alive back then. It wasn't only the regulars, like Bryy, and Cinema_Void, and CROSSFIRE... There were so many people. Here were these people, making something real. Maybe not good, and believe me, so many of them were BAD... but it was fun to watch the oblivious fall and the geniuses get their accolades. Comedy prevailed.
It's hard to describe the feeling, but I think that's when I realized that I need to be a part of it. Maybe this is the one thing I never succeeded at. I'm an unreliable, unorganized idiot when it comes to machinima. I'll be the first to say it. I can edit video, I can write, but I just couldn't get it together. I didn't know that then. All I knew is that here were people making something for others - simply for enjoyment and recognition. And so could I.
Eventually I stumbled upon something called "The Chronicles of Donut." Written mostly by the user Nickles, Delta, xXXTielluvrX, and of course, Donut (that was his nickname, which he claimed came before the show. Who knows?) - they were Mod Slayers Productions. it was action, comedy, and satire of this website all rolled into one. It wasn't amazing, but it was great fun. I read all of the installments and then decided to ask if I could help out. It was a start, right? It was much more than that. Nickles and I... well, it should tell you something that he was the first person I came out to.
Nick politely declined my request - Chronicles of Donut was still in its humble beginnings, devoid of any need for more than a few people. But still, we stuck around each other enough for me to realize that I had my first e-friend. It's a hard feeling to describe - someone, somewhere far away is talking to you, caring about, collaborating with you... E-friends have something in common that no one foreign to the notion can understand.
Then came our very own e-drama. xXXTielluvrX. Jesse. Hooboy. We both talked to her. In fact, I spoke more with "her" than with Nick for the better part of 2 months. And then... uh, well - her boyfriend, Alex? Fake. Her profile picture? Recording studio shot of Kelly Clarkson. Jessie? Rumor has it that she was comatose for the few months I knew her. It was her brother, so they say.
Again, it's a hard feeling to describe. Someone you think you know... by the twentieth conversation, the computer screen just seems like a mask that someone you know and love is wearing. But everything we thought we had gone through, Jessie, and Nick and I, was false.
Maybe I enjoyed it. Being part of something that permeates your own little bubble. That everyone can see. It brought a lot of "Jessie's" friends closer to each other.
It wasn't soon after that when Mod Slayers Production was no more. The Chronicles of Donut was just beginning to be adapted to machinima when a few of the people decided that Nick was just too hard on them. "A coup," Nick called it, and at the time it seemed like a disaster. What would become of our fledgling machinima? "Donut" was adamant that Nick could not do it without him... And thus was birthed The Bern Chronicles.
We'll continue later, I guess. I'm guessing this will go on for about 5 parts.
8 years ago
Goodbye. I said it. There. No, I'm not freezing my account or anything. Just... the age of RvB is over for me, I think. My e-relations have long faded. I guess I'm a bad person in that you all seem to have been replaced by people my own age, who live near me... Maybe that's not as interesting. I haven't really thought about it, but it makes me sad. So here it is, my final goodbye - in as many parts as I need to chronicle the effect this website had on my life.
So, it looks like this place has fallen into disrepair. Take a look - my karma has stagnated, my profile and journal views inching on as slowly as my first few days of existence on this site. Total time online: 26 days, 3 hours, 18 minutes. I've always been sort of ashamed at that puny number. But it's not the size that matters, it's what you... well, you've heard it all before, right?
I remember finding Red vs. Blue nearly four years ago - four... Jesus, I guess that's a long time. A quarter of my life. I was impressionable, nigh friendless, and without a doubt, very awkward. This site has done lots for me. I guess I entered during some iteration of Red vs. Blue's golden age... well, Roosterteeth Production's golden age - they had recently expanded to The Strangerhood, and who knew what machinimas lay on the horizon?
The first person I came to admire on the site was Haxx0r. Funny, I haven't said a word to him... ever? That can't be. I remember admiring the amount of people that were attracted to his musings and videos and wondering whether I could wield such e-charisma. In my own way (as always), I sort of got there.
But back to the past. The place was booming. The website was still in it's 1.0 iteration. Barer, undeniably less sleek, but damn did it have charm. The place was teeming with personality and personalities. And who could forget the videos? Season 2 was on its way out, and comedy and plot were beginning to converge, and everything was brilliant. The jokes were still new - to me, at least, and it seemed to me like they were for everyone else. Maybe they were. I own those seasons on DVD. If I ever need to remember the feeling, I'll go back and watch it again.... But I have a feeling that would be bittersweet.
DiMono was next. I'll always remember him as the nicest mod, even if it wasn't true. But he was nice to me, when I was just some sniveling prepubescent child with accelerated manners. He even embedded a freaking annoying song into my profile. I thought I was cool. Hell, at that time in my life, it was an improvement.
Zatch, too. Hey, Mr. #00CED1, Monsieur uid=99, you did good. I remember you being the first person here who made me realize that our life was void on the internet. We are someone new - it's okay to let our other selves shine through, but RvB is a place to be what you want to be, right? And a place to show others how to do that. It worked. You're still at it, even when I have faded, when everyone I know here barely remembers me... Either you're still finding a way to live it, or you're holding on to the little piece of hope that say, "Well, maybe it'll come 'round again." We'll see (goddammit, am I defeatist or what?).
Keep an eye out for part two, guys. It's a doozy.
8 years ago
And yes, I know it's spelt laugh.
1. It's bad luck to whistle near scientologists.
2. More than one million stray dogs and half a million stray cats live in scientologists.
3. In the Great Seal of the United States the eagle grasps 13 arrows and scientologists!
4. Plato believed that the souls of melancholy people would be reincarnated into scientologists!
5. You would have to dig through four thousand kilometres of scientologists to reach the earth's core!
6. There is actually no danger in swimming right after you eat scientologists, though it may feel uncomfortable!
7. Scientologists can use only about ten percent of their brain.
8. Scientologists have three eyelids.
9. Some birds use scientologists to orientate themselves during migration.
10. If you keep a goldfish in a dark room, it will eventually turn into scientologists.
8 years ago
That my mom refuses to get me physical therapy / acupuncture unless I do a list of thinks she wants me to do (like take up some stupid sport or something to "get me active" even though I'm doing quite enough exercising - 1 to 3 hours 5 or 6 times a week, running or carrying things). I. hate. that. bitch. SO MUCH. Like, everything just snowballs until I can't stand her any longer.