Because I hate myself. The pain and suffering will begin at 9:30pm EST.
Sidenote: at a book store today, I saw a book by E. L. James called Grey. It's 50 Shades of Gray told from Christian's point of view. This is a thing we need ...why? More accurately, why is there an audience for this? The original books were successful because the women reading them (I can almost guarantee it was 99% women) are able to picture themselves as Anastasia.* I legitimately can't imagine there being any commercial need for the story to be told from the other viewpoint.
* While I was looking for actual stats on the percentage of 50 Shades readers who are women, I stumbled upon this article. According to the study it references, women who read 50 Shades are "25% more likely to have a partner who yelled or swore at them. Readers were also 34% more likely to have a partner who displayed stalking tendencies and 75% more likely to have fasted for more than 24 hours or used a diet aid. Worse still, women who read all three books in the series were more likely to regularly binge drink and have multiple sex partners, both of which are recognized risk factors for intimate partner violence."
The article goes on to say that the study did not determine how many of those people were doing those things before reading the books. However, when you have an abusive relationship that very specifically follows the steps for cult indoctrination being presented as being "romantic" and desirable, it's not difficult to suppose that abusive relationship habits are being normalized and turned into both acceptable and expected situations.
It is never okay for your partner to yell abuse at you. It is never okay for your partner to strike you. And you do not need to engage in extreme dieting methods to look pretty or desirable. If someone can't see you as beautiful just the way you are, then they do not deserve you.
And now, on to the liveblogging. In about 20 minutes.
Surprise Trailer Thoughts!
I thought at the end of the first movie she told him to go fuck himself. Why is there even a second movie at all?
The movie's song is a male voice cover of Crazy In Love that's trying to be dark and edgy and romantic. I'm so sorry to Beyonce.
This movie came out on Valentine's Day? Yeah, let's call this a "love" story. Hollywood: normalizing abuse since the first Twilight movie came out.
And So It Begins!
0:26 - White. All great movies start with white.
1:00 - I think they're trying to give us Christian's childhood abuse as backstory to explain why the first movie was cult indoctrination. I'm legitimately not sure.
2:30 - A cover of Coldplay's The Scientist. "Nobody said it was easy." The movie might be self-aware.
3:57 - Producers: E L James pga - she has credentials in Hollywood? Fuck you.
4:37 - "How did you make out with those manuscripts?" Make out with them? Subtle. Let's see how many of these there are.
5:40 - Ana has no idea that the art show is all about her. That's ...illegal, isn't it? Her friend is an asshole.
6:40 - Someone bought the entire display. 3 guesses who that's going to turn out to be.
6:55 - Turns out we only needed one guess.
8:15 - If you don't want to see him again, then don't agree to go to dinner with him you idiot.
9:20 - How about that, Ana's not a complete moron any more and recognizes that the relationship was abusive.
9:50 - Most awkward bottle opening in history lampshades the conversation. The movie actually has literary devices.
11:00 - It took basically zero persuasion to get her to agree to enter a relationship with him again. Way to set the bar for female characters, assholes.
11:55 - And they're already kissing? I expected there to be at least some amount of chase to this. This is bullshit.
12:50 - Spot the Apple product placement.
14:00 - "Have your plan come along for a quick one." That's two.
14:25 - Oh look, it's that girl from the trailer wanting to talk to Ana. I wonder if that's going to be important later.
15:05 - "I'm the boyfriend." No you're not. You haven't even been on a real date yet. You're the guy who bought her a computer and kissed her as a way to apologize for mentally abusing and stalking her for the entire first movie.
16:40 - And now she's almost literally throwing herself at him...
16:55 - only to tell him they should take it slow? I legitimately already hate this movie.
19:00 And now they're already going to bed. No making him work for it or anything, she just totally reversed her claim that they should take it slow. And also he's buying the company she works for, but it's totally not about controlling her, Christian promises it. This movie is a piece of shit.
22:20 - Girl from the trailer is now watching them sleep. That's not creepy at all.
23:15 - Aw, he called her Ana. Maybe he is changing!
24:00 - Ana gets rightfully upset that Christian has her bank information, demands to know why he does, and the movie cuts away to a cafe scene without explaining it? Fuck you, movie. This is legitimately important to the plot, and you're not only ignoring it, you're pretending it didn't happen. That is bad storytelling.
26:15 - He's friends and business partners with the woman who seduced and abused him? I'm calling bullshit.
28:05 - His drawer of files on his former subs is shockingly large.
29:15 - "This isn't a relationship, it's ownership." She's smart enough to recognize it, but not smart enough to get out of it. ...Okay?
30:00 - Ah, the old "show you how bad my life is so that you forgive me treating you like shit" ploy.
31:10 - Turns out it was just drawing a box on his chest with lipstick and saying "these are my boundaries." What the actual?
33:00 - "Here, have some benwah balls. To wear while we're out tonight." Because why not?
37:30 - Mia is his sister, right? Literally just entered a conversation without introduction, so anyone who hasn't seen the first movie recently (like myself) is basically going to have no idea what she's about. Good job.
39:00 - Unless they're jumping the bid, people don't yell out their bid at an auction. Auctions are basically silent except for the auctioneer. Way to get reality wrong, movie.
40:20 - So the entire first movie was about how she wasn't really comfortable with what he did to her, and now she's literally asking for it. Consistency is important.
41:20 - That's four spanks. Isn't that already more than what he said was "as bad as it gets" or somesuch in the first movie? Consistency is important.
42:18 - Contact juggler spotted. I have a lot of friends in circus arts.
43:50 - I think someone just took a picture of Christian and Ana's boss in a family photo, but it was too quick to really see. Also, turns out that sex they just had was still at the party, rather than at the Aspen retreat like I thought. Being unconfusing is important.
45:30 - Elena telling Ana the truth and getting yelled at for it. "You and he will only be happy if you leave him alone forever." That is what would make all of us happy.
46:50 - Clandestine meeting in an underground parking lot? Is this suddenly X Files?
47:25 - This movie does a really good job of asking important questions and leaving them unanswered.
49:20 - "Are these burns?" Why did you wait a movie and a half before asking about the obvious burn marks on his chest?
50:45 - "You sound surprised." No, she didn't. She sounded conversational. Either the script is horrible, or she completely failed to emote.
52:30 - Despite the entire movie being loaded, my player is telling me the movie is buffering. Even my computer thinks this movie isn't worth watching.
54:25 - Her boss (male) is acting like a jealous teenage girl. Can't decide whether this is accurate.
55:20 - Despite everything he said, he's still trying to control where she goes and who she spends time with. But don't worry - it's romance.
56:40 - Not gonna lie, I kind of want that piece of wall art.
1:01:10 - He tells her during a domination scene that she's his, and she agrees. No way that's going to come back to bite her later.
1:02:55 - No, you idiot, don't give in to him when he's trying to control your life! if it's a business trip with your boss, then travel with your boss. That's literally how it's supposed to work.
1:04:00 - And now you have to have an awkward conversation with your boss because of it. It's amazing how things ripple like that.
1:04:15 - I think her boss is supposed to be coming off like a jerk here, but everything he's saying is completely justified...
1:05:15 - ...Until now, when he starts insinuating that she can only keep her job if she has sex with him. That's sexual harassment. And it's illegal.
1:06:40 - That's sexual assault.
1:06:50 - And that's Ana doing exactly what she needs to do. Wait a second - that means Christian was right about something. I think my worldview might be broken. Or the script is shit because there was basically no foreshadowing for this.
1:10:45 - I can't decide whether this is a "new person states the obvious and somehow nobody else figured it out before then" scene. Which I guess is a good thing?
1:11:55 - "You don't believe me?" "I don't believe it myself." That is not the question he asked you, Ana. Please have the same conversation as he is having.
1:12:40 - You don't raise your fingers and ask for the cheque at the same time. Nobody's watching you at that point. It will get you nowhere.
1:13:00 - There you go being submissive in public again. What happened to standing up for yourself?
1:14:00 - Moondance? You're going to ruin Moondance for me? You jerks.
1:14:40 - When you moan in arousal on an elevator, people are supposed to notice. They don't just keep staring forward like it's a normal elevator ride.
1:17:10 - Oh look, it's creepy girl again. Leela, I think. And she has a gun and wants to see Ana. This can only end well.
1:20:15 - Yet another unanswered question. Christian enters, strips Leela of the gun, gets her on her knees, and then tells Ana to leave and we don't find out (yet, at least) what he's going to do with her. I'm so confused. And in what's supposed to be a romance movie, confusing your audience is a bad thing.
1:22:40 - "Where the fuck have you been?" is not how you phrase that question if you're talking to someone whom you want to convince that you're worthy of them.
1:26:45 - You just had a conversation where Ana said she can't give you what you need long term, and now you're asking her to marry you in your very next conversation? You may be rich, but you're an idiot.
1:27:40 - But the planche is cool.
1:28:50 - "I want to marry you." "Why?" Ana with the most honest line in the entire movie.
1:30:20 - Christian is holding an umbrella in no rain. And so is everyone else. Seattle people are bad at weather.
1:31:something - After being asked to marry him, Ana buys a keychain for a birthday present. Gee, I wonder what it says?
1:32:30 - Christian's helicopter has a blown engine. I think we're supposed to be afraid for him, but first you're supposed to make us give a shit about him.
1:34:40 - "They'll find him. It's Christian." Yeah, there's still another movie to make with him. But don't worry, this is totally supposed to be suspenseful.
1:39:15 - The keychain says yes. Anyone who didn't see the keychain saying yes coming doesn't understand movie structure.
1:42:50 - I think that's the third time they've done a smash cut from sex to a party. it's really jarring.
1:45:25 - Elena is Christian's mother, secretly working against him for some reason. I'm calling it now. Based on how stupidly the rest of the movies have gone so far, this is an entirely reasonable guess.
1:46:50 - "You're only after his money." You do know that she literally tore up a cheque for $24,000 from him at the beginning of the movie, right?
1:47:00 - That was the most halfhearted wine-in-face throw in movie history. Tommy Wiseau wrecking the room in The Room was actually more convincing than this.
1:48:20 - The Riddick poster on the wall is legitimately the best thing about this movie.
1:51:25 - In case anyone didn't figure it out, Ana's former boss (he got fired) is going to be the villain in the next movie.
1:55:20 - And the mid-credits scene is a teaser for the next movie? Fuck right off.
Well, that movie was a piece of shit. We have Ana, who just finished telling Christian to go fuck himself, immediately getting involved with him again. He doesn't even need to prove himself at all, he just says "it'll be different this time, I swear!" and that's good enough. Then she spends the rest of the movie going back and forth about whether she's into the relationship, and despite the clear understanding at the beginning of the movie that it will be a vanilla (read: no BDSM) relationship, she almost immediately becomes submissive to him again.
Movies are supposed to have a clear, consistent voice. When you have a character saying one thing and doing the opposite, that's called cognitive dissonance, and it's jarring when it's done as poorly as it was done in this movie. The way it happened, Ana's primary antagonist was herself. It should have been Christian's past.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go watch some porn. It has a better plot than this movie did.