JDVang

Male
from Saint Paul, MN

    • JDVang

      HA-HA! France sucks!

      8 years ago

      Found some funny stuff about France, enjoy!

      Q: What do you call a Frenchman advancing on Baghdad?
      A: A salesman.
      -------------------------------------------------
      Q: Where can you find 60,100,000 French jokes?
      A: In France.
      -------------------------------------------------
      Q: Why do zee French have zee onion and zee Arabs has zee oil?
      A: Because zee French had zee first pick.
      ----------------------------------------------
      Q: How do you brainwash a Frenchman?
      A: Fill up his boots with water.
      ---------------------------------------------
      A cannibal went into the butcher shop to buy some brains for dinner. She saw that American and British brains were $4.95 per lb and French brains were $450.00 per lb. She gasped and asked the butcher if the price of the French brains were a misprint.
      "No ma'm," answered the butcher. "That is the correct price." "Well, why are the French brains so expensive?" exclaimed the cannibal. "Do you know how many French it takes to get a pound of brains?" replied the butcher.
      -------------------------------------------------
      Q: How many generations does it take to learn ingratitude?
      A: Trois
      --------------------------------------------------



      -------------------------------------------
      Q: Is it rude to call a Frenchman a frog?
      A: Yes, it is unfair to amphibians.
      --------------------------------------
      Q: Why did the French start using garlic?
      A: To improve their breath.
      -------------------------------------
      Q: How are French babies born?
      A: With their hands up (surrendering).


      Q: Wy don't the French want to bomb Saddam Hussein?
      A: He hates America, he loves mistresses and he wears a beret. He is French.
      Conan O'Brien
      --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
      Finally, this week the French soldiers have showed up in Afghanistan. Figures just like the French to show up after the hard work has been done.
      Jay Leno
      --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
      Q: Why do the French call their fighter the "Mirage"?
      A: Because it's never seen in a combat zone.
      --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
      Q: How do you kill a Frenchman?
      A: Slam the toilet seat down when he's getting a drink.
      --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
      Q: What do you call a French fighter coming to the rescue of American and British soldiers in the Iraqi desert?
      A: Mirage
      --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
      The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq.
      --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
      The French are always reticent to surrender to the wishes of their friends and always more than willing to surrender to the wishes of their enemeies.
      --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
      Q: Why do French naval ships have glass bottoms?
      A: To see all their other ships.
      --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
      Q: Why do the French use a lot of bleach on their sheets?
      A: So you can see their white flags better.
      --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
      Going to war without the French is like going hunting without an accordion.
      --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
      The French are to warfare what the British are to cooking.
      --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
      Donald Rumsfeld was being heckled by a French anti-war weenie when he suddenly turned and asked the Frenchman:
      "Excuse me. Do you speak German?" The Frenchman replied "No." Rumsfeld looked him in the eyes and said "You're welcome."
      --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
      Q: How did the French react to German reunification?
      A: They put up speed bumps at the borders to slow down the panzers.
      --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
      Q: What do you call a man who only needs body armor on his back?
      A: Jacques Chirac
      --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
      Q: What is the other way to spell the name of the French president?
      A: Jacques ChIraq.
      --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
      A man askes his companion, "What's the most common French expression"? His friend scratches his head, shrugs his shoulders and replies, "I give up!"
      --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
      Q: Why is it good to be French?
      A: You can surrender at the beginning of the war, and US will win it for you.
      --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
      Q: What is the French battle flag?
      A: It is three white fleur-de-lies on a white background.
      --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
      Q: Why do Frenchmen always wear yellow ties?
      A: To match their teeth.
      --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
      Q: What's the best place to hide your money?
      A: Under a Frenchman's soap.
      --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
      A: What do you get if you see a Frenchman up to his neck in sand?
      Q: More sand.
      --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
      Q: What did the Mayor of Paris say to the German Army as they entered?
      A: Table for one hundred thousand, sir?
      --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
      Q: How can you tell if a Frenchman has been in your back yard?
      A: Your garbage is gone and your dog is pregnant.

    • JDVang

      Confessions

      8 years ago

      Alright, I know I'm not the only one to buy those goddamm BK XBox games.

      Now, althought I don't KNOW why the King must sneak up on people to deliver burgers, why he can't just walk up to people who are hungry and hand it to them, but the fact remains that this is the stupidest/funniest thing I have put in my XBox bar only that round graham cracker (NOW THAT was sweet...crumbs EVERYWHERE!).

      Then there's that race king game, where you race on little motorbikes until you get bored and decide to spend the next five hours trying to fuck up the Burger King by crashing into things off of jumps.

      But enough of this, those things sold like a million copies, and chances are some of those are in possession of some people on this sight. So if you have a game made by Burger King hidden under you drug paraphernalia and gay porn so no one can find it like I do, sound off.

      End.

    • JDVang

      What's in a name?

      8 years ago

      Okay, so, if you haven't known by now (or just don't care) my name is Jacob Vang.
      Nothing special right? Accept for the fact that my family heredity is Norwegian.
      I don't know how many times a day I have to expain this story to people who have just met me, so I might as well write it down here so I don't have to worry about it......EVER.

      Vang, right. So, the family story goes that many years ago great-great papa Olaf came to America with a kick-ass name of Galbrentson. Now that name is sweet, but I digress.
      Now, papa Olaf did not speak so good of the English per se, so chances are, he mistake "What is your name" for "Where do you live." Since Vang just so happens to be a city in Norway (thanks vandalized pages of Wikipedia!) and translates into the term "meadow" or "field" in Norway-talk.

      Unfortunately, Olaf was not the sharpest knife in the drawer either, so he probably assumed that the name on his citizenship card was his new "Americanized" last name and went about his happy life in the States.

      And poof, I stand here before you as Jacob Vang.

      Comments, questions, insults? post all below.

    • JDVang

      Holy Shit they smoked Capain America!

      8 years ago

      For those of you who don't know, Captain America has been.........assassinated.
      Yes, that's the news out on the internetz. Apparently, after some sort of Super Human civil rights battle with other Super Humans (don't ask, all I read was the fucking headline) Captain America tossed in the towel and surrendered. He was later shot while on his way to trial.
      Now my question is.........what the fuck is DC thinking! This is Capiton Fucking United States of America. If he goes, who's next? Superman? Batman? Aquaman (wait, who'd care?) Dare I say that Spiderman could potentially be up on the chopping block?
      There is a bleak future awaiting all the world if they think they can fuck with the pretend and imaginary lives of comic book characters whenever they think its convenient.
      But enough of my rant, what are your thoughts?

    • JDVang

      Favorite Marine Quote?

      8 years ago

      Okay, I started a thread of something like this until a mod ended it for being a favorites thread. He has since gone on to say that said thread, reworded to not include the term favorites, would then be a list and locked anyway.
      But that shit does not apply in journals.

      So here's the start.

      We all, at some point, have heard a quote by a Marine in campaign mode that made you laugh out loud, or you just thought was interesting. I plan on using this entry in the journal to compile those quotes for posterity, and of course see what I missed in being too incompetent to find the IWHBYD (I Would Have Been Your Daddy) skull in Outskirts.

      So if you have anything to add, post here.

      I'll start us off.

      "Chief.......I think it was trying to surrender......."

      "That's right......he wanted MY gun."

      "Are you made out of leprechauns, 'cuz that was awesome!"

      "Okay, guys - back to my place for pie!"

      and my personal favorite......

      "Hey, hey - let's catch one and ride it!"

    • JDVang

      Check this out.

      8 years ago

      Okay, inbetween wiki-vandalism and forum posts, I just so happened to "stumble" upon a special sight "accidently" that'd I like to share with all of you (or whoever chooses to check this out, I'm not picky.)
      Anyway, it's called beautifulagony.com, and before all of you S&M connoseurs(?) get all hot and bothered I would like to take a minute describing said sight.
      Beautiful Agony sells itself as a sight that, and I quote from their homepage, "is dedicated to the beauty of human orgasm."
      Now this is what I've always wanted to see.
      For the longest time the only thing I could find were too heavily made up women with impossible dimensions screwing Mr. Clean (seriously) in positions that defy the laws of physics, and for that matter they don't look that comfortable.
      I could find pictures and video of men calling women "cum-slut" and "gang-banged cock whore" while giving them facials, yet I could never find honest to god video of a woman having an actual pleasurable sexual experience.
      Call me weird, but even though the sight does not feature any nudity whatsoever, it still manages to be, at least in my mind, one of the hottest views on the internet.
      I have to say, watching women guide themselves through stages of arousal and eventual climax is a nice change from the majority of erotica (using the term loosely) on the internet and in the mainstream created specifically for men, by men, at the cost of the female dimension.
      But what are your thoughts.
      Check out Beautiful Agony

    • JDVang

      Level 20, drinks are on me

      8 years ago

      At 1 day, 6 hours, and 45 minutes, I found my profile at level 20 and 29% on its way to 21.
      You like me, you truly like me.......
      But more serious, I'd like to thank everyone who ever modded, messaged, or commented on me.

    • JDVang

      Of course I'm kidding......

      8 years ago

      Apparently some people can't take a joke..........or I'm just not funny, I don't know.
      Here's how I divide up me posts.
      50% is commenting purely for the lulz
      25% is using serious comments and advice while phrasing it in a way for lulz
      the last 25% is commenting purely to set up someone's response post to get lulz
      So no, I'm not serious when I write I have multiple dicks.
      Yes, I am serious when I ask for advice, but I do like to laugh and make others feel good.
      Anyone else whose comments are majorly for humor, post here. Or not, who the fuck am I to tell you what to do?

    • JDVang

      Wikipedia vandals unite.

      8 years ago

      You know who you are.
      Those who see it as their duty to corrupt any sort of democratically submitted user created content just in order to prove that man cannot be trusted with anything. We actively take it upon ourselves to add false content and subvert more useful, truthful pages to our evil ends.
      It doesn't matter if you subtley change the chemical equation on the clorox page or blatantly write about how John Wilkes Booth killed JFK while he was flying in the mountains with the Big Bopper.
      And I don't care what people say, every page needs a picture of a giant phallus. Preferably more than one.

    • JDVang

      Sorry about the confusion.

      8 years ago

      Sorry about the confusion, but I have just learned a moderator could potentially reprimand me for my mod-whore journal entry. Apparently it's against the rules to write about my mod-whorish...ness. So in this next post, I'll just say. Crack is for sissies.

  • About Me

    Watch me, I may just post naked pictures.
    If you don't watch me, I'll post naked pictures of myself.
    I accept ALL random friend requests. Because SOMEONE has to.
    Yes I will vote for you, but bribery may light a fire under my ass to get to it.
    Yes I will mod you, I give these goddamn things out like candy.

    Open AllClose All

  • Comments (100)

    • Skidmarkman

      Skidmarkman

      7 years ago

      You suck testicles.

      Post edited 10/18/07 10:01PM

    • PortalCore

      PortalCore

      7 years ago

      Tagged!

    • DopeyLoc

      DopeyLoc

      7 years ago

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    • DopeyLoc

      DopeyLoc

      7 years ago

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    • DopeyLoc

      DopeyLoc

      7 years ago

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    • DopeyLoc

      DopeyLoc

      7 years ago

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    • DopeyLoc

      DopeyLoc

      7 years ago

      Please, go HEREand vote for anybody, BUT ME OR Markkoo79 !!

    • DopeyLoc

      DopeyLoc

      7 years ago

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    • DopeyLoc

      DopeyLoc

      7 years ago

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    • DopeyLoc

      DopeyLoc

      7 years ago

      Please, go HEREand vote for anyody, BUT ME OR Markkoo79.


      Then, please go HERE, and vote for me, ur homie Dopey LOC, to win. Thanks for your help.