So I've had a lot of time to do a lot of thinking lately. Between the deaths of every grandparent I've ever known and the stress of helping mom with surgeries, rehab, paying my tuition off and preparing to start college again in the fall, there's been a lot to think about and deal with. One thought that continuously crops up is that I'm not always happy in my current state. I'm content to live my life the way I've been living it but I need to make a change.
That change starts with a few decisions:
-Lose 225lbs: I'm tired of being tired, fat, lazy, and generally disgusting to look at. I'm 450 lbs and almost 27 years old. If I don't make a change now, I don't think I ever will. I need this change more than most things in my life. I've already made this decision. It was the easiest to make and it will honestly be the hardest to accomplish, given the time necessary to accomplish this goal.
-Write More: Another easy decision that I've gotten away from in the past two years. Writing was always therapeutic and I've done less and less of it, blaming it on muse and motivation. Bullshit. I was lazy and didn't want to put my mind to work. So I'm going back to something I love and I'm not going to stop because it will honestly help me, even if I'm writing trashy fan fiction or forever unpublished original works.
-Resign as RT Michigan Admin: This decision was a bit harder. I love this community and the people, but I've failed to uphold the promise I made when I first signed on as an admin. At first I did well, I addressed concerns and did what I could for the betterment of the group. Unfortunately I lost my path sometime last year and I've never found my way back. You deserve better than me. I'll still be a part of the community, still attend events and meet ups and game nights, but I'm better as just another friendly neighbor than a community leader.
-Interact More: I'm a lonely son of a bitch, that happens when all of your friends either have already moved away or are at the very least an hour drive away. Social media is a wonderful tool and I need to use it more effectively. I need to reinforce what friendships I've made and stop being such a dour mother fucker. Also, snail mail! I love getting letters and I'd like to keep that up. In fact I have an unfinished one on my table waiting for me that I really need to finish. Sorry Penny! Mailing by Monday!
-Take Time for Myself: We get involved with others so often we forget to take time for ourselves. In my case I've let my grief, stress, mild depression, and other issues get the better of me, both in my social interactions with others and in finding true happiness and contentment within myself. I need to do these things for me, better myself so that I can be happier, feel more alive. I need this. I want this. I'm going to be better.
...at least, that's what I keep trying to tell myself.
Keep moving forward.
It's what I need to do, it's what I want to do, and it's what I'm going to do. I'm not sorry for that. I hope you can understand.
Thanks for listening