"What is wrong with me?" I keep thinking. I'm staring off into space. There's this void in front of me. Suddenly I feel nothing. Because it's far less painful to feel nothing. I'm out of my body again. But I want to feel something. But I get headaches now when I feel. What am I supposed to be feeling?
A while ago I said I would try to make some synthwave. I tried in the form of Neon City Lights. But I don't think it's a good attempt. In fact, I need to try harder and do better. But I guess as a beginner, it's not too bad... meh.
My anxiety has been through the roof lately. As if every logical thought in my brain is completely squished with a ridiculous undertone. Frankly, it's keeping me from writing here, which is ridiculous. I think the big theme going on is the insecurities in myself and my, perhaps abilities but moreso, being myself. Like I'm not meeting this standard of adequate waifu.
Regardless, I am trying to hide this. Keep my thoughts to myself. If I smile a lot no one will notice. Don't let husbando know I'm thinking incredibly ridiculous things. Stay off in the corner and cry so no one sees.
But this doesn't work. And the cracks are showing.
Anxiety is asking a few questions in a patterned row. The person you're talking to hears the same question, but your perception is you are asking different questions.
Times like these is where I truly feel Martian-like. I feel like I'm explaining myself so well in words, yet it ends up that those words aren't articulate at all. Where do I go wrong? What am I even trying to say?
Even this entry doesn't make sense. Might as well be typing this in Japanese. Why am I even bothering?
Maybe I'm trying to ask if anyone else feels this way? But I don't think I've explained what feeling I'm feeling in the first place...
So then.... what?