My dad passed away on the 18th. I was glad to be by his side with my mom and sisters as he went. It was a very difficult thing to do but ultimately I don't think I would have missed it for anything. Cancer is an asshole.
Before he died and while we were all going through his illness together I thought I would be overwhelmingly depressed when he died. But if I am honest I would have to say I'm actually relieved. Relieved that he isn't suffering anymore. Relieved that I don't have to be worried about him any more. I can breath and we as a family can move forward. He was in so much pain and was so thin at the end that I don't feel like this is a bad thing to feel. The father I loved was already gone. He hadn't been himself for a few months. I think because he knew the treatments had stopped working. I am always going to miss him. He was a really good man despite is grumpiness and tendency to yell about everything from undercooked noodles to overcooked noodles.
The service was on saturday and I tried to look sad I really did. but I had to plan most of the service and as with any event that I have to plan and then attend, I pretty much felt like I was on parade the whole day. Have to say hi to these people and that person, oh the funeral director has a question, oh don't forget that person. I couldn't help but laugh that they played Let it Be 3 times all the way through during his memorial video.. they had asked me if that was ok and I didn't realize how LONG the video was. In hindsight I should have had them play something else.
Anyway. I don't know if I'm just magically not sad or if the zoloft I've been taking for postpartum depression is really just that amazing. I decided that it's probably time to go off of it and find out. I've always had trouble with anxiety so I guess if I bottom out in a week after I ween off of it I will know that maybe I should find a doctor to prescribe it for the long term. I don't really like the idea of needing a pill to deal with my problems but I can't deny that I've been really happy the last few months.
In World News how bout that Brexit thing? I'd laugh but President Trump probably wouldn't like it if I did.
Hope all of you are well. I can't deny I miss this place. I wish it felt like it did in the past.