from Edmonton, AB

  • Activity

    • 3 years ago

    • 3 years ago

    • Anxiety

      3 years ago


      I wrote this for my personal page, but I feel like this can fit here too. For the people heavily invested in the community, but wish to expand to having local friends.

      "I used to have social anxiety. I'd say "what's up", and basically struggle to think of anything to say after that. And I'd take too long to respond, and it'd get awkward, and I'd start getting self conscious.

      Sometimes I wouldn't know what to say from the start. I'd just kind of stand around, looking away, looking like I want to say something but never do.

      Well, something changed, and everything seemed to start falling into place. I treated myself better, so I was proud and confident because I looked and felt the best I can be.

      However I soon realized it matters little about your real confidence.

      In fact, socializing is a muscle. If you do it every once in a while, it'll always be weird and unnatural. But if you do it a lot, no matter what (I'm introverted btw) you'll improve. So it takes time.

      I found it easier to start with people waiting for the bus. A cashier. Waiting in any line. Small talk gets better when you actually FEEL like you want the other person to have a good day. It comes across in how you smile, how you talk, how legitimately interested you are in knowing them. If you don't, it sounds fake and then, what's the point if you don't give a shit.

      So, give a shit.

      Then when that cute girl/guy comes around, it'd be weird NOT to talk to them because you do it to everyone anyway, right? You won't feel as intimidated.

      Another thing, and it's a huge lesson, was eye contact.

      It's not JUST looking at their eyes, but it's focusing AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE on them. You'll listen and remember better. You'll feel more calm, your heart rate will go down. Since you're calm, you'll think better. Being calm makes others calm. It's a natural state of being a hunter, not prey. You'll see people making a better mutual effort, instead of blowing you off.

      Last, what to say. I just go with what first pops in my head. Sometimes I sound stupid but whatever I'm dumb sometimes. On the other side, I can sound clever because I don't need a long time to come up with something. You'll never feel awkward silence because you're not giving any.

      I'll end it with "but Kevin, I tried all of this and no one invites me to anything".

      Well, unless you know someone seriously outgoing, extroverted, a leader, it won't happen as often. On their end, YOU didn't invite them either. Just make that step.

      You'd be surprised how people will say "sure" if you ask what they're doing on the weekend, after work, on a specific day you're planning on.

      This IS manageable. It just takes time, practice. If you're serious about this, write down some main points and remember them.

      This isn't everything to socializing, but I think it's a good start.

      It's literally life changing, but needs maintenance because I found I slip from it during transitional parts of my life.

      Never let other people intimidate you into submission, focus on this and you'll sleep better from less stress. Seem happier, walk different, talk louder.

      And you'll remember your dream in life, and want to pursue it again.

      Now's the time to go up hill again."

      Now, what's different here is I'd like YOU to message me if you have an questions on what I wrote. If there's any steps you'd like me to go over.

      I'll ask you to share this, possibly talk to other people and see what they think about it. Critique it, share it with me if you made some huge steps.

      I think a confident community is a happy community. I don't think you should abandon the site, there's awesome people here to skype with, meet at RTX.

      I just know I've been in your position before, where this site is the only thing you have. I'd like to make this a nice side, to your awesome life.

      It's not anti-community, if anything, these tools can be applied for you to enjoy it MORE, if you choose

    • Thank You

      4 years ago


      I have to thank the people who stuck by me while I went alone, building myself for months. When I came back healthy, nothing seemed to change the love was still there.

      I feel so undeserving for it, all things considered. I just see some kid from Canada instead. I can hardly explain what beautiful human beings you are, that's a rare trait to have. It's people like you that remind me how there's still compassion in the world despite cruelty.

      Thank you, and please stay <3

    • Arsonist's Lullaby

      4 years ago


      So as most of you know (who have been following me, sup), I used to be an alcoholic. Now, when I say I worked on improving myself, that was on the list of things to improve.

      It just wasn't the same anymore, it wasn't fun. It'd make my face numb, a bit happier, but mostly tired. It was self medication, and self destruction of both relationships and my own body.

      During the time I stopped, I had serious withdrawals.

      Headache, dry heaving after I ate anything, stomach pain, cold sweat, dehydration. I took my days off and essentially stuck myself in my room, not even sleeping. The most I slept was about 2-3 hours a day the first 3 days. Mentally, I was very low I don't even think I talked to anyone. I wondered if I'd go insane. I was agitated, and I'd probably be hard to deal with even if I had someone to talk to.

      In the end, I think it was worth it.

      People say that I lost weight and I "look good" and "healthier". I also saved money. The liquor store clerks probably think I either moved away or died so that's nice.

      Even so, after that time I lost a lot of friends because all they wanted to do was smoke a bowl and have a beer all the time. Yeah, that was fun at first, but not after doing it all the time. I surrounded myself with burnouts and became one of them.

      Instead, I'm actually planning on signing up for a cooking class. Because, you show up, cook some stuff, chill with people similar to you, and learn some cooking techniques. That sounds awesome. Boxing is on the list too so that some dude can punch my cunt.


      Lately, I've been hanging out with coworkers. Just the other day, we decided to check out the arcade, bowl for a bit, and headed back to one of their places. Played some cards, had a drink each. I ended up heading early for my bus ride home, I didn't even want to get drunk, still sober as a bird. So that's inspiring. Additionally, I didn't get stabbed by a hobo on the bus.

      That addiction doesn't have a hold on me anymore. I also find I have a lot of time to cook and clean, and do things like check out something in the mall or catch a bus downtown to see what's there.

      To anyone with your own addiction. Whether it's alcohol, drug related, sex, gambling, caffeine, anything. Find what makes you strong.

      What I mean, is I was once asked this, "do you serve yourself, or serve others". So, if you are doing this for yourself, you are becoming the best version of you. When you do that, people come into your life for what you are and not what you want.

      If you are doing this for others, you see this as being bigger than you, all those people you positively affect keep the world turning for the better.

      I like that question, it has meaning behind it.

      I answered "both" to it. There's nothing wrong with either side. You're not selfish if you think of yourself, you have one life make it worth while. And it's okay to help others, pessimists will say "you can't help everyone" which is true but helping if it's possible is the point. Help someone and they learn and can help others. Live for that if that's your thing.

      Never doubt yourself with these things. Strong people never come from easy backgrounds.


      All you have is your fire,

      and the place you need to reach

      don't you ever tame your demons

      but always keep them on a leash.

    • Oh... hi!

      4 years ago


      It's been, roughly 6 months since some of you have heard from me. I have to say, in that short amount of time I changed immensely.

      I moved to the city, so that's been a lot of fun since there's so many activities and opportunities. The bustling city life makes it feel as though you can be yourself.

      I've been happier, and picked up a few life skills. Made friends, went on a few dates (oooooOOOOooooh), taking better care of myself.

      I found what I wanted to do, social work where you help people who've been abused or have mental illness, addictions. Giving back to the world and bringing happiness instead.

      Another point, is I've been writing more, I'm not sure when I'll be done because I can literally fill up my notebook forever. I'll have to draw the line somewhere. Until then, I can't wait to try out standup. Being able to let people relax, crack a beer, and laugh for a bit sounds awesome There's some solid jokes in there.

      On a personal level at the moment, I learned a lot. I'm confident enough where I can teach people things as well, I do it all the time. One big thing is focusing intently on someone (not in a creepy way, that's bad) makes you feel calmer. Constantly looking away and at things makes it harder to think, and makes you nervous instead. Still, doing this one thing gives positive results when meeting people. If you can learn one thing in your entire life that will benefit you the most, that's my pick.

      There's far more optimism in myself, I'll take literally anything and make it into a good thing. Every bad thing is something to learn and build character. Every good thing shows how much of a good person you are. So many things.

      I can't think of anything else, so I shall end this flaccidly.

      Hello, again.

    • 4 years ago

    • 4 years ago

    • 2 Years, (Continued)

      4 years ago


      So I never expected this list to be so fucking long. Anyway, here's the other part.

      @ryokotoast @ailsarocks - You're two people that I wish I knew more about. Ryoko, you're seriously funny. When I asked you "Can you play an ocarina!?" and you replied with "Yes! I can summon storms!" I instantly wanted to talk to you more. That's just the perfect nerdy response! And Ailsa, we also don't know a lot about each other. MAYBE with things like, we get a lot of unneeded hate. But you're so welcoming to the community that I can never be, that I respect the amount of effort you put in, to being a mother bird for all these RT hooligans out there.

      @MLGKatie - Here's ANOTHER person that I'd nominate to be more well known. Katie just joined not too long ago, but she's so full of life, it's insane. If you shoot her a message (not a creepy one. I'll hunt you down and beat you until you shit bones.... >:[ ) she's always open to reply. Also, Katie, I wouldn't mind talking some more! If you ever have the time.

      @MDVirgin - I think you doing Let's Plays with your daughter is adorable. I'd just like to spread as much awareness to that as possible. With what little "watch" list I have. Keep doing what you're doing, and you'll learn all there is to make a successful video. Good luck!

      @THECIA - Even when I go off on someone, you always seem to be there at my side. I don't know you personally, and I respect your privacy. But if we shot the shit more, that'd be cool. My ears are always open, and my heart is there if you wish to skype.

      @bradoh3 - So, the best part about you not snapchatting more. Is you stopped dressing in drag XD. But seriously, I had a chuckle whenever you did it. I'm not sure if we can continue skyping, because of time zons. But your creepy voice is always welcome as long as you don't harvest my organs.

      @NerdBurga - You just might be one of my personal favourite people in chat just for your amazing sense of humor. And I really miss the shitty google plus hangouts :/. Whenever you're not busy, you know which orange (NOT ONION) to go to. Also, I'm 19, not 25. Thanks for the insult :(.

      @FortuneNate @BTW_Max - You both put up with a lot of my shenanigans. And Nate, you're super nice. I think we keep poking you so that you'd let out some rage one day. We can take it. It's A-OK. Also, Max from the few conversations I've had, it was fun to try and make each other laugh. Even if I have a shit voice, it gives me inspiration to maybe pursue comedy in some form. So that the world can also hear the bullshit I put up with in my head!

      @Morokea @Curryshoe - You two are both adorable together, and very heart warming together. You guys make it seem like everything is okay, even if it's just for the moment. Not to make shit awkward, but that's very motherly and fatherly of you. Even if it's just reserved for other people like me. Keep reaching out for people, because it's a huge amount of support that they need.

      @Justine - You get a lot of crap from people, that I wish you didn't. If only you could have went your entire RT experience without anything negative to happen :/. Anyway. I don't think we've talked before. Maybe for a moment. I'm willing to change that, if you're okay with it!

      @Terrets4ever - Man, you don't have to try and change the world. But I respect you for trying. I think you're the realistic word that I need. Even if it's something I don't want to hear. I mean, we'll get to Prey some time. Maybe. IDK. Still haven't bought moonshine for the occasion to deal with how horrible the MP connection is. Fun game when it works, reminds me of Unreal Tournament or Quake.

      @ASpecialSPC - I wish we went further into talking with each other, you rootbeer crazed guy, you. Because the offensive oven chat was kind of bear, but with you there. It was all the better to talk about nothing. Joking around. That was good times.

      @AlexisPaige - I really hope you're okay now. And starting to come out of your shell. Because I'm trying to pry it open so that everyone can know the real Alexis! Although, I'm not sure how much night skype shenanigans will be had, but I'll try to improve that. Okay? Less "how are you" and more "I eat ass" and other things that are nonsense, but funny to us.

      @CmanXP From what I remember, you were very nice during RTX. Even though I was just trying to socialize at my first huge event, you made it seem less awkward than I was making it! Haha. Anyway, we played fibbage before and that was really fun. I hope more fun is ahead, like that.

      @Mellieivy - You're one of the few people who masters being adorable, funny, and responding to anyone without a care. I feel like you're what I'm trying to achieve. To be okay with EVERYTHING, and enjoy time while you have it. Also, I'LL FUCKING DESTROY YOU IN SMASH, AND THEN I'LL DESTROY EVERYTHING YOU LOVE IN SMASH AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!111!1!!!1!!one.

      @jpps - I mean, no one else really supports me coming into chat. I feel like you saw every good part of me, and only some bad. Whereas a lot of people only see bad, and try and judge me for it. I just wish I could have talked to you more than "Oh. Hi. I'm KevinClayton on the site" at RTX. Well. Who knows. If we stay in touch, anything could happen.

      @phili40 - I feel like I gravitate more to you, because you're a bit shy like I am. Not loud, except you're more fluent with conversation. And you're just an all around chill, lovable person to be around. Even though our time in Austin was short, you made it a bit better, dude.

      @SuckItYou - You're funny. Journal refuses more words.

    • 2 Years

      4 years ago


      I've been on here. I'm a tad early this time, to make up for my late "1 Year Anniversary" last year. Also, because I feel like I won't be on here anymore.

      It's weird to think that I assumed I'd be here for a long time. Ah, young Kevin. You're so silly.

      So. Without further adieu.

      - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

      @JJ @bgibbles @Mike - I saw you guys at RTX! You're the few people that I actually got to meet in that chaos. Even though I just shook Blaine's hand, and just talked briefly to Mike at an airport. I think he said something about getting ice cream and wandered off. Haha, but it made my trip to Austin and back a lot better. Thanks for letting me bother you!

      @Giries - You fucking cock stained, limp handjob. You know, sometimes I feel bad for insulting you, but when I join a chat and you call me a cocksucker it all goes away. Heh, although it's truthfully hard to piss me off, I hope that you know it's all in good fun. Like an improv for trashtalking like the good days of MW2. We should probably game more, IDK if you have an xbox one yet, but I recommend it, pal. You can still take the big hits so far, and I'm confident that you can keep doing it. Don't let the world, or me bring you down. You take that fucker down with you.

      @IronxMan - You have a knack for not laughing to hilarious commentary. That, must be a learned trait, and one that fits into doing commentary videos. Like Giries, you can easily push things aside. Instead of someone like me who takes it full on, and fires back. And that makes it far easier to meet people. We should game more, or even play Town of Salem! Thanks for all the fucking call invites. Even though sometimes I'm not in the best mood, so I didn't want to ruin a good one. But, I have a feeling we'll stay friends for another year. And then hate each other promptly after, haha.

      @LanAnh @Herbert - Funny how I included you guys last year, but I didn't know you. I just commented on how nice you guys are. Well, you guys are really, really, really creepily nice. In a way that I suspect you murder and bury people together to relieve anger from your life. So this is the only time where I will accept murder, so that you guys can still be so loving to bad people like me. My ice heart is starting to melt, but at least it's getting there.

      @Leo_B - Speaking about playing vidja gaems so often, we haven't gamed in a while! I've been tempted to get Advanced Warfare for XB1, but I'd play it a lot more with you on my team, dude. You're someone who I think should be more well known in the community, so to anyone reading this SEND THAT MAN A FRIEND REQUEST. He's a good person from the heart. And I think he's always up for a good COD match. But, yeah. If you have skype man you can add me and join me in on some shenanigans.

      @Greenie - So we've been through some shit. You said some things, I said WAY THE FUCK more things. I will put this out there, that you're one of the few people who can legitimately piss me off. And that's a short list, my friend. On the other hand, I feel like we can talk forever without it getting boring. So if you want to shoot the shit some more, you lovable giant teddy bear, I'm always up if I'm online.

      @Zack - I think we've had a lot of differences as well. Since I pushed you far away when I was fighting the demons in my head from making the world lose a jester. All metaphors. Anyway. Remember that time you would always threaten to ban people? Hah. You don't do it as often now. But I remember you being very tolerable of my bad jokes at RTX. You're the old cat, and I'm the young puppy in this GIF. Since you joined the chat, and the website again. I feel like you're a big part of it, and lucky to have.

      @Kimora - You should be on chat more often, you mysterious lady, you! Even if I'm not allowed there anymore, but they need someone who's bat shit insane funny, and hospitable. "We miss you." Says everyone in chat.

      @boosher - So, there was a time where we couldn't agree on anything and we'd frustrate each other. We used to joke about how we're so stubborn, but we are pretty fucking stubborn and won't let anything go. Which is why I feel like this might be the last message you receive. But I hope I can meet someone who's like you aliceey. Also, stay strong and don't ever let someone know that they've won. And I'd suggest seeking help for depression, so that you can work your inner demons as well. Goodbye.

      @CBlondie2014 - I feel like I took you under my wing when we first started talking. And now you're taking me under your wing, after shit seemed to hit the fan. You're such a sweetheart, and a fun person to talk to. To a full year of getting to know each other more. Also, your name is out of date... awks... :D

      @KaylaNichole - KAYLA. I remember you asking me why I opened up to you. I think it's because I know someone who doesn't judge, as well as being intelligent on instinct. And your beauty is a plus on all of that. Haaah, anyway as I stop blushing from that. I feel there's going to be a very long time where we won't speak due to schedules mixing up. That's okay, as long as you meet me on the other side of all the debacle, right?

      @Fate0555 - Looking back, I think you were with me every aching step of the way. Whether I was being a dick, quiet, open, anything. And it's friends like you that stay regardless, that I feel so happy to still have. Love you, you tuba playing nerd :p

  • Comments (31)

    • Greenie The Aristoctopus

      4 years ago


      • KevinClayton

        4 years ago

        "Mmmm, fine day to be an alligator!"

        "Hmm, yes, quite."

        That's all I got.

    • boosher Farmer trash

      4 years ago


      • boosher Farmer trash

        4 years ago

        look at its lil feets *u*

      • KevinClayton

        4 years ago

        I'd like to imagine it's making a really tiny dam right now.

    • boosher Farmer trash

      4 years ago


    • boosher Farmer trash

      4 years ago


      • boosher Farmer trash

        4 years ago

        Same :<

      • KevinClayton

        4 years ago

        I want a cat with a squished face

    • boosher Farmer trash

      4 years ago


    • boosher Farmer trash

      4 years ago


    • IronxMan FIRST Member Star(s) Indication of membership status - One star is a FIRST member, two stars is Double Gold Full Metal

      4 years ago


    • Justine SponsorChat doll

      5 years ago

      smiley12.gif never leave again

    • HMSheetS FIRST Member Star(s) Indication of membership status - One star is a FIRST member, two stars is Double Gold

      5 years ago

      Dat Profile Pic smiley13.gifsmiley13.gifsmiley13.gifsmiley13.gifsmiley13.gif

    • Justine SponsorChat doll

      5 years ago



      • Justine SponsorChat doll

        5 years ago

        Yes. hahaha

      • Fate0555

        5 years ago

        Just out of curiosity, did you lose your gold star temporarily and he gave you a hard time about it? :p

      • KevinClayton

        5 years ago


    • Justine SponsorChat doll

      5 years ago

      Totes An Onion*

    • boosher Farmer trash

      5 years ago

      looking good keevy!

    • Prof_Gnocchi

      5 years ago

      You're a 250px-074Geodude.png among Geoplebs.

      happy v day man!

      Post edited 2/14/14 12:00PM

    • urns

      5 years ago

      Yo, wanna help me out?

    • Cassner FIRST Member Star(s) Indication of membership status - One star is a FIRST member, two stars is Double Gold Hail Hydra

      6 years ago


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