The year has a lot of memories for me, good and bad, but this month has never been fun for me. Like a lot of people, for various reasons, I find the corporate celebration of any holiday a bit heavy lately. Even so, this particular month has bad echoes in it. This is the month my heart was literally shattered 14 years ago. This was the month I actually wondered if I was going to die from a medical failure to diagnose me correctly. This is also the month when I began the painful process of recovering from a broken ankle. This is the month that I had to say good bye to far too many damn dreams. All of that is memories of course, but it seems odd this month coincides with a lot of it. The real painful part though is the celebration of couples. I am never going to nay say anyone that finds happiness, more power to you. I am going to admit freely that it hurts to be around happy couples. It hurts and it burns a strong flame of envy. I have made a lot of mistakes socially, but to be reminded of what could have been as an actual holiday is just salting wounds.
I am whining, I could totally change my life if I put my mind to it, but the reality is I have faced a lot of crap I put off for a long time. I was dragged a bit, kicking and screaming metaphorically, but it was good. It also is not the answers my friends want to hear most likely. I am going to hurt, I am going to be in pain and lonely, but I am not for anyone either. I have zero desire to actually like reality and my skills of compromise or priority do not exist for a girlfriend. I drop everything to help my friends. I give up the dream of wanting to be with someone because honestly, no one else will be able to stand me now. I explore worlds of my own creation and a lot of others. I will never be able to let go of the envy and this month will suck, but I am not changing anymore.