I find I am tired more lately. Tired of trying to make sense of the world, tired of planning a path I am unsure will even continue, and mostly tired of reading anger. I was once a very angry person and while I did not always feel justification for my anger, I never let it spread beyond me if I could help it. I am not sure why I do it to myself, but I keep reading comments on both biased and just plain factual articles and it is always the same.
Just anger, unbridled anger at ideas, people, and the world in general. I have decided to stop with reading comments altogether, even if I think a discussion is needed, because there is no longer a point. I am not going to generalize it and say all of America/the world is like this, but it is clear that discussion is no longer the point.
It has become about the loudest voice, the most vitriol, or the most debasing one. I am feeling far older than my 35 years and I just feel tired all the time. I can't argue anymore, I can't even hope anymore. I am fine for myself, but if you gave me the option to just hop a starship and go, I would not even ask a destination.
I am going to focus on my stories, focus on worlds I wish could be or might yet be. I am going to stop looking for rational discourse because I can no longer find it. I am a fallible creature and relish challenging my ideas, but now it matters not what is true, false, or even just an opinion. All that matters is you "win." I would love to know how that is defined because much like ordering pizza, there seems to be as many answers as people.
I think I will have far more regrets about things I did not do or that I screwed up because the odds of ever finding such times again seems to have vanished before my eyes. I go back to my dreams, I walk with a midnight blade, tattooed flesh, golden eyes, or see the world fall into Mist. I go back to seeing what the Guyver and Ryuko can get up to.
Most of all I just walk away from what was once a source of ideas and now I can only stick to my safe roads of entertainment. Rooster Teeth remains a bastion for me, but it was once one of many, now I feel like it is a scattering of starlight in a morass of darkness. Maudlin perhaps, but right now I just feel tired.