Can you guess why?and
I doubt anybody reads my page anymore, as I rarely visit this site anymore, but like a lot of people around here, I'm stunned by the amount that Monty's death has hit me.
5 days before the news of Monty's affliction broke, my mom called, and informed me that one of my little brother's friends had died in an industrial accident, and that he needed to find out before he learned about it through facebook or twitter.
I handed the phone to him, and watched as my 18 year-old brother calmly talked on the phone about how his 18-year old buddy died the night before. He already knew, because someone contacted him via text in the middle of the night.
I felt bad for my brother, even though I knew he wasn't my brother's closest friend. I have a few people that I barely know and I would feel broken up about, but Josh just seemed to act like nothing happened. I don't think I could do that if I were in the same position, and it worries me about him. I also felt frustrated with him because he likes to spend a lot of time in his room playing with his friends online rather than hanging out with us in the living room. I felt pretty guilty that I was judging his way of coping, but I felt helpless to help.
Josh went back to Hudson Bay for the funeral, and that's when I heard about Monty.
I checked back on the subreddit hoping to hear some good news every couple of hours. I was pretty optimistic because "that doesn't just happen to people." But then, you all know what really happened.
And just like that I was mourning someone I never knew.
And I felt guilty.
I felt much worse than when my brother lost somebody he knew his entire life. It didn't make sense. I spoke to Josh's friend a couple times in my life, yet his death didn't hit me as hard as Monty. The kid was younger and more tied to my family, but I didn't feel much for his passing.
Meanwhile, I mourned for a man I never met. It feels selfish, because I gave more of my time mourning him than helping my brother.
I will miss Monty, but I also need to make sure my brother heals. Josh's wounds must be way deeper than mine.
BUT despite the negative confusion I've been typing I still want to say this:
Goodbye Monty, You were a genius of your field,and a terrific human being. You'll be missed.