7 years ago
I just like the attention.
Who missed me? Don't be shy, speak up. I'll wait.
Got that out of your system? Good. Guess what I've been up to since, oh, say, 1:30 this afternoon.
I was interviewing Malcolm McDowell for my award-winning television show Reel Talk.
See you guys next time I decide to check RvB (probably tomorrow).
8 years ago
I was hanging out with a few of my buddies the other day, and one of them wanted to ask out the waitress who was serving us. He was asking for advice on how to do it without sounding creepy, and the other guys pitched in with some help. Then I decided to chime in.
Ignore these wimps. Notes? Dates? Asking out for coffee?
Grease up. It's what all the young girls are going for these days. Lanolin is a good alternative, but goose fat is classier. And wear a distinctive hat. Be creative! The bolder the statement the better. You want to stand out from the crowd of other greased up guys, and make a lasting impression. Regarding dress, the fashion magazines tell me that y-fronts are back in, as are Speedos. And, I am informed by my "street" acquaintances, flowers are old hat. Vegetables are "wicked" these days. And Shakespearean English is the desired mode of address. Be direct and bold. And surprise her - ladies like surprises. Especially in the dark - it adds a note of elle ne sait pas to the offer.
Nothing attracts severe-faced young ladies more than the sight of a goose-fatted guy in skimpies and a bright green, feathered fedora leaping out from behind their cars at night bearing a huge bunch of cauliflowers and carrots, with the words "Madam, if I may be so bold, might we dally forthwith and make the beast with two backs on yon grassy tump?"
If music be the food of love, you'll be having your pink oboe tooted on within a minute, and that's my personal guarantee*.
That's as near as I can remember what I said, anyway. Oh, and *Does not constitute a guarantee.
8 years ago
Destroying human life in the hopes of saving human life is not ethical -- and it is not the only option before us.
-George W. Bush, 6/20/07
So, about that war...
8 years ago
IÃ¢â‚¬â„¢ve never owned an actual firearm. This doesnÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t make me anti-gun, just disinterested. Sure, IÃ¢â‚¬â„¢ve got an airsoft gun (or 4), and the few times IÃ¢â‚¬â„¢ve fired someone elseÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s rifle IÃ¢â‚¬â„¢ve proven to be a pretty good shot. I kinda enjoy target shooting, but never enough become a responsible gun owner. All thatÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s about to change. Cheaper Than Dirt has other plans for me.
I first learned of Cheaper Than Dirt just after my birthday. A thoughtful friend had bought me a ceramic folding knife and had it shipped to my college. Inside the box was a catalogÃ¢â‚¬Â¦ or what I now know to be a portent of things to come. If I had been naming this company, I might have gone for Ã¢â‚¬ËœCheap, But Definitely Worth ItÃ¢â‚¬â„¢, or perhaps Ã¢â‚¬ËœNot Too Expensive Stuff That AinÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t CrapÃ¢â‚¬â„¢, but Cheaper Than Dirt it is. So whatÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s inside this catalog? Dozens of pages of weapons. Not just folding knives. Not even just rifles and handguns. Giant double bladed swords that look like prop rejects from a b-movie, neo-medieval battleaxes with alien runes etched into the blade, bikini-clad biker babes modeling urban combat slings for duel shotgun assaultsÃ¢â‚¬Â¦ In short, a lot of weird shit that should, in fact, be cheaper than dirt.
I tossed the catalog without a second though. But the good folks at Cheaper Than must have thought, Ã¢â‚¬Å“What the hell is up with Qcx918, he hasnÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t purchased so much as a blast suppressor for his laser sighted assault rifle and grenade launcher? DoesnÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t he realize this stuff is cheaper than dirt? Send that loser another catalog or four.Ã¢â‚¬Â Which they did.
These too I discarded, though I did first ogle the bikini clad she-warrior with a compound Martian crossbow. I guess Cheaper Than got the message. They just arenÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t quitters. Ã¢â‚¬Å“This tosser doesnÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t want ConanÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s switchblade or monogrammed ammunition? I guess heÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s just too good for stuff that is Cheaper Than Dirt. Give his address to Commando Bitches, Patriotic Weapons Made by Chinese and other Foreign Fuckers, and Munitions Digest. Oh, and throw another Cheaper Than Dirt in the mail in case he comes to his senses.Ã¢â‚¬Â
And each of these fine establishments in turn sold my name to at least 19 additional sister companies. Now IÃ¢â‚¬â„¢m going to need a bigger mailbox. I work in the mailroom at my college, and the other workers would probably complain, if they weren't convinced that I was eyeing them through crosshairs every time they walk past my dorm.
Back at Cheaper Than headquarters, the sales team must have been getting their heads handed to them. Ã¢â‚¬Å“You spent $860 dollars in postage alone. Stamps, as you know, are not cheaper than dirt! Get Qcx918 to buy something, subscribe to something, or at least take over the Nakatomi building with a group of disenchanted special forces buddies, or you are all fired. And by fired, I mean gut-shot!Ã¢â‚¬Â
And it must have been right about this time that the letters started coming. I donÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t know who sends them. I don't read them anymore. I know first blood was scored by the NRA, who advised me that my donation last year was appreciated (I've never donated), but the evil liberals in my jurisdiction, or perhaps living under my bed, were conspiring to force me to live weaponless, as a veritable eunuch, if I didnÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t cough up some more cash. What? You mean no more 250,000 volt taser batons? Who will protect the children?
Thanks, Cheaper Than Dirt. When I finally buy that Czech flamethrower and bronze battle trident, you guys better be much, much faster than me.
8 years ago
Quite frankly, you guys are talented. I mean it. Give yourselves a round of applause.
But when it comes to writing resumes, not everyone is up to snuff. Sometimes we forget that vital skill; sometimes we can't quite put into words that essential ability. That's where I come in.
I've listed several skills fit for any resume, guaranteed to impress any potential employer.
"Expert in Digital Sequencing" (If you can count on your fingers)
"Certified Surveyor for Video Communications" (If you have a Blockbuster card)
"Lead Analyst for Alternative Usage Analytics of Third Party Performance Statistics" (If you have a Fantasy Football team)
"Well versed in a variety of subjects" (If you can access Wikipedia)
"Dynamic Acoustical Reflectivity Measurement Facilitator" (If you make a good SONAR target)
"Expert in acquiring information from many sources very quickly" (If you're easily distracted)
Feel free to use any that apply!
Fighting Ignorance Since 10.20.04!
Before I hit "Accept" on friend requests!
I've got a couple of rules before friending people (don't take it personally, I do this to everyone... I like it to mean something), so please answer these questions in a PM:
Where did you see my posts?
What made you decide to friend me?
Why did you say to yourself, "I want THAT asshole as a friend!"
Where are you a frequent poster?
Do we have any shared interests, as far as you can tell?