TheHelper

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    • TheHelper

      To Recap

      3 years ago

      So to recap the past few weeks I've written a script for a Red Dead Redemption machinima that contains frequent use of the word "penis", drastically altered my sleeping pattern by accidentally dozing off around 8pm, bought an "I Like Me" t-shirt and worn it to PE where I'm actually quite good at short distance running, watched about four episodes of The Walking Dead per day - love that show - and a few hours ago I pissed blood. Woop!

    • TheHelper

      Oh no, that was uncalled for!

      3 years ago

      Title might not fit, but anyway, I was listening to the last ten minutes of RTP #153, and was eating some crisps and doing homework when Gavin and Burnie suddenly start talking about ripping out Gav's nuts! and I am just sitting here shocked and cringing, it's horrible! I've still got another 4 mins to listen to, but I'm slightly really scared to now. Eep.

    • TheHelper

      First World Problems

      3 years ago

      I wish that I wasn't perfect in every single way imaginable, as today in Techy, the class idiot who annoys everyone and especially me (as I have to sit beside him, and he likes me) walked into the class acting really happy and calous. The thing that I instantly regretted came next.
      "I just showed them my thing!"
      "Kill yourself"
      As a regular Floodian (you know, Bungie.net) I have no problem with people saying "Suicide is the only option" or "Kill yourself", as I know that they're joking, as I too am very sarcastic. I found out the hard way that this man, let's call him Mowgli, doesn't understand sarcasm, and thought that I wanted him to die. He then told one of the popular girls, she came over to moan at me, my friends ask what happened, find out and laugh, then turn on me. I'm then, for lack of better term, shunned and circled by half the class, who fail to see my end of the argument. My friend laughs and says that I deserve it. I penerate his soul.
      I then apologize and say "Oh Mowgli, I'm sorry. Is there any way that I can redeem myself?" "No". I'm then told that he's going to "tell" on me, so under my breath I say "spastic". Well my other friend who was mad at me because of a situation 20 minutes earlier (that my friend Jay had caused) tells Mowgli, and that really pisses him off. He comes over and shoves me with all of his might, so I'm basically standing approximately 0.000001 centimetres further back from before the push, and gets even madder. After the crippling sensation of depression - that lasted 10 minutes - I was back to being a sarcastic bastard, and saw Mowgli try to act as though he were my friend's "BFF", which is sad, as my friend hates him.
      The last period was music, and I decided that I no longer gave a fuck, as Jay had also had a situation before lunch, in which he'd called an annoying girl's mentally unstable father a spastic, so we were in this together. Mowgli said to me; "God Leroy Jenkins, you're so annoying".
      "I don't understand the question" - at which point I entered super sarcasm mode, and used it when I sat next to him a short while later. We have to do four beats on each platform of the drums, and Mowgli hit each one way more or way less than four times. My friend Sean (who is kind of friends with Mowgli said "Did you see that?" "Yeah, his numberline must be "1,4,2,3"". Sean laughs and Callum Mowgli hears, so apparently he's telling the year head and his parents. But fuck it, really.

      *On a related note, Jay thought that he was fine, but I'd told him that I'd seen Spastic Man's daughter enter the year head's room at lunch, so we both are fucked.*

      *Mowgli had seen me and my friend Thomas coming to use the keyboards in Music and said to me (as I was sitting opposite) "No, I want Thomas(the man who hates Mowgli nearly as much as me) to sit there"
      "No it's fine, I'll just sit here".
      He stops using the keyboard and switches to a glock.*

      So basically someone that I don't like won't bother me and I win. The end. "First World Problems"
      Oh wait, I'll probably have to explain myself tomorrow, which'll be awkward, as my friends are kicking him out of their group to let me in as I was off.

      Edit: He also has Assbergers & Dyslexia

      I WIN!

    • TheHelper

      The power of Taggart(man)!

      3 years ago

      I have watched Taggart once, and it was bad. Two years later and I have created Taggartman!
      My friend sais that I don't have split personality disorder, as all of my personalities have merged together.
      I act... differently when I am Taggartman. I even want to make it a TV show. Here's the sort of thing that'd be in the script:
      Taggartman: I'm going now.
      Rassnaf: Where to?
      Taggartman: To promote my new book.
      Rassnaf: New book?
      Taggartman: Yeah, I've ghost written a book.
      Rassnaf: For who? Should you be promoting it?
      Taggartman: Yeah, why not?
      Rassnaf: (sighs) Who are you writing it for?
      Taggartman: Noel.
      Rassnaf: Your split personality?
      Taggartman: Yep.
      Rassnaf: (sighs heavily) What's it about?
      Taggartman: It's a biography of my life.
      Rassnaf: Wait, you're ghost writing a book about yourself that your split personality is putting his name to?
      Taggartman: Yep.
      Rassnaf: But you hate him!
      Taggartman: Exactly, that's why I've only written "He's a c**t".
      Rassnaf: But the book is about you!
      Taggartman: (confused, slowly works it out) Shit!

    • TheHelper

      Jesus hurt my stomach.

      3 years ago

      I was reading exam fails earlier as 90% of them are hilarious, and after seeing a few really good ones I came across the mother of fails. My voice was loud, my laughter uncontrollable and my brother angry. Here's a sample: "What do I have to work with?" He had only a banana. 15 seconds later he developed the atom bomb.
      That was an out of context sample, so here's the link: funnyexam.com/answers/popular/1624-lmao-the-kid-puts-st
      That's the first time I've cried laughing in seven years. Even though it was only a few drops of water, it still counts.

    • TheHelper

      How'd a Bandicoot live so long?

      3 years ago

      I've been feeling really old and retro these past few weeks, which is weird, as I'm only just thirteen, and have been thinking of old series that I used to watch and video games that I'd play. I thought of the Sonic the Hedgehog series that I'd watch when I was in about P4, and got confused as to where the hell Shadow had got to by the end of the last episode as he just disappeared and left his shackles/rings , then I got bored and watched something else. Well when I was browsing the Xbox Live Marketplace for Frogger and Pacman, which are obscenely hard, I found Crash Bandicoot. Crash Twinsanity was probably one of my two favourite platformers games on the PS2, the other being Jak and Daxter: The Precursor Legacy (I still don't like what they've done to the new games, but they're okay,). After thinking long and hard for five minutes while listening to an Amazing Athiest Video, doing a Wikipedia search to find out which is the newest Crash game, and searching prices online, I decided to buy Crash: Mind Over Mutant. I remember completing Crash Of The Titans years ago, and still remember the ending, and this looks like an exact replica of that but made a year later and £5 cheaper. My 6.00Gb download is at around 12% at this moment, so that's quite good. Peace.

    • TheHelper

      Time for a massive upgrade!

      3 years ago

      Earlier today I bought an new Xbox. Not just an Xbox, a brand new Xbox. From the Original 60Gb that I've had since I was about ten that I bought several days after may birthday in '08, I now own a 320Gb Gears of War 3 Xbox, and it's great! For £200 I got:
      - Gears 3 Console
      - Gears of War 3
      - Two Gears 3 Controllers (which I hope will be valuable to collectors)
      Now to set it up, should be fun. I didn't even tell my friends that I was going to get a new one, well I did moan about the old one and how I should replace it, but I didn't saw that I would by the BEST ONE EVER today. Cioa.

    • TheHelper

      At last, at long last!

      3 years ago

      I finally manged to get the "Two for One" achievement in Halo 3, thank god! That 'cheevo nearly put me off the game.
      Now to get angry at "Have fun respawning". Woot! Man, I should really start that report I've been putting off... I've tricked myself into thinking I have free time. Anyway, YES! 5G!

    • TheHelper

      Well we all learn somehow.

      3 years ago

      If they taught us internet memes in French, we'd learn more easily as it would be more interesting, stupid body parts and basic language skills, no-one wants to learn you!

      Quel est son niveau de puissance?
      Ses plus de neuf mille!!!

    • TheHelper

      The Genius' Christmas Adventure

      3 years ago

      I had to write a short story for English and my teacher told me that it had to be sensible, so I tried as hard as I could to write one that wouldn't bore me senseless, so enjoy:

      The Genius' Christmas Adventure



      It was a cold day in Texas when the SWAT team arrived. Stephen heard them and ordered his men to keep them at bay. The door burst open as he was only a few feet from the window. If his men could only last a few minutes...
      Fire went everywhere, Stephen's men were no use against them. Stephen was only a few centimetres from the window now. SWAT had gotten through his first group of men, and were now killing the last. “Run Mr Hawking! Just go!” shouted Jimmy, as he was shot through the chest. Stephen pressed the eject button of his wheelchair and flew straight out the window of the 100th floor of the building, but was then caught in a giant net and knocked unconscious.
      When he woke up, he was in a small room, surrounded by armed guards. “Stephen Hawking” the man began. “You have been found guilty of illegally trading heroine and are therefore being sentenced to the penalty of the electric chair, do you have anything to say for yourself?”
      Stephen looked around the room for anything he could use for a quick escape and saw nothing. “You really need to buy something that I can use to escape with next time.”
      The joke did not go down well and the electric was turned on. The electricity however went right through Stephen's brain and overcharged his wheelchair. A blinding blue light filled the room and Stephen disappeared...
      When he regained consciousness, he felt weird and realised that he was walking for the first time in 30 years. He also realised that he was walking with two strangely dressed men in the desert and noticed that he too was wearing strange clothes and carrying something heavy in his hands. It was Gold.
      Stephen looked at the men. They were carrying myrrh and frankincense. “Casper” one of the men said. “Are you okay?” Stephen looked at the man. “Uh, yes. Where are we going again?” “To visit the son of God” the other said. “How do you not remember?” “Let's not waste time gentlemen, we must go”, the first man said to them. This angered Stephen, as he had been an atheist all of his life and did not believe in God or Jesus. “Yes”, said Stephen quietly. “Let us go and meet him”.
      The men walked through the desert for days, following a star in the sky. They walked for hundreds of miles, never stopping, they wanted to see the physical form of religion so badly.
      When they finally arrived, they found Jesus in the stable, surrounded by other strangely dressed people, angels and sheep. “Wow”, said Stephen, amazed. “That is the son of God. I never actually believed in him until now”. “That is what happens once you have been on a spiritual journey, it changes you”. Stephen had finally made peace with himself. He was not a genius, but he was a wise man. One of the Wise Men. Finally he could live somewhere where he was happy.
      Then everything went quiet, and everyone stood still and started fading away. Stephen tried to shout to them to stay, but found the will to speak leave him. He felt strange, and collapsed to the ground. The electric chair was turned off. Stephen's body was dragged out in a plastic bag, set on fire and stuck on a spike. Stephen had become religious as he had died and therefore went to heaven. He had died happy after living sadly. It had been his one and only Christmas Adventure.

  • Comments (3)

    • CptnOmally

      CptnOmally

      3 years ago

      Consider yourself watched.

    • CptnOmally

      CptnOmally

      3 years ago

      Hey a watch for a watch?

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