First of all, I want to say Merry Xmas to each and every Rooster Teeth member who reads this. Now, I need to say something in light of the times leading up to now.
The years have not been kind to me. From 2011, I've had my old, idyllic life shattered to pieces, leading me to live a broken half-life from then on. Not really living, not really dying.
No, I haven't been diagnosed with cancer. Or HIV. Or anything like that. I'm perfectly healthy. But what has happened in the past crushed my spirit.
2011 was my 11th year at school, in Year 11, funnily enough. But the workload was far too much for me to bear, and I was always lagging behind, spending numerous sleepless nights trying to finish a week's worth of work from at least five subjects. Then when midyear exams came along, my performance was at an all time low. My results were beyond abysmal: my highest mark was 48%, my lowest, 28%. To pass my exams, and qualify for a university, I needed at least 60%. So I failed miserably. Once I knew my results, I spent weeks crying in my pillow, feeling absolutely pathetic at my failure. Not long after, I dropped out of school, after burning my result papers.
2012 was no better. Because I'd dropped out, I was forced into a TAFE (Technical And Further Education) program, where I had to learn the basics to real life. Public transport, technology, goal-setting, the works. But I knew how to do all this already. And I was surrounded by people who didn't. People who all had a disability in one form or another. All I had was Asperger's Syndrome and anxiety disorder. But that wasn't the worst part.
There were two girls in my class. One was desperate for friendship, which we didn't give because whenever she didn't get her way, she would throw a tantrum. I'm not kidding, she asked for liquid paper, even though no one had any. Even when we explained this, she began screaming and crying, storming out of the class. The other girl had a crush on me. But her religion prevented any kind of romance between us. She was a Jehovah's Witness, and I was agnostic. Plus, I'd had crushes on several girls at school, and not a single one ended well. One was off the market, another didn't see me the same way, and two more played me like a fiddle. So I was wary about this topic. But if you're thinking that love prevailed, wake up. It didn't. She stopped coming to class, and I eventually forgot about her.
2013 was worse. I was forced to move to a TAFE campus even further away from home. And this one was worse: a murder was planned, and even carried out several years ago. And I had to share numerous classes with a sociopath, and numerous troublemakers. I hated each and every one of them, because I was there to learn, not to socialise. But everyone still saw the need to be outspoken, rude, dismissive, and uncaring about why they were there. It got so bad, I had to defer after the aforementioned sociopath threatened to smash my glasses and shove the shards into my eyes. But even when I came back the next year, 2014, he was still there. And he had company. Two more troublemakers who constantly brought handheld devices, headphones, and loud music into class, and talked aloud. I didn't even attend the graduation, out of concern that I would finally snap and stab them all to death with a steak knife.
Now that I've graduated from there, it's at the end of the year, and I know I'm meant to be looking forward, but honestly, I just feel as though I've been going in reverse my whole life. Moving in circles, like some sort of demented person just puts my life on rewind on a part they find amusing.
I just want to move forward! Go to university! Get a degree! Make something that people will appreciate and recognize me for! Do SOMETHING! SOMETHING THAT I CAN BE FUCKING PROUD OF!!
But it's not happening. Nothing ever changes for me. And why should it? Clearly, some cosmic force loves fucking with me like I'm just some sort of toy to them.
And I've had it.