This year sucked. Not gonna get around it. Yeah it had some good moments, but even leaving aside the world going to hell in a handbasket, at the age of 28 I've become a nihilist who lives with his parents on a floor mattress in his younger brother's room because he's too broke to live anywhere else. I'm not going to dwell on it, but it does need to be acknowledged: this year was an enormous blow to my pride and my dignity.
That said, I've also learned an enormous amount about myself and about the world. I've weaned off a good deal of absolute assumptions. Nothing is certain, nothing is secure. There is no rock bottom you can't break further below. Sometimes people are just assholes, or crazy, or dumb and there's no rhyme or reason that you can use to reach them. That's just the way things are, and while you should work to try to fix it you're not going to get through to everybody all the time, and you shouldn't beat yourself up when someone just doesn't want to hear you.
I stopped drinking. As some of you may recall I was drunk pretty much continuously during RTX and the surrounding days. People have told me that even though I was dumb I was nice, but what about times they weren't around? Was there anyone I WASN'T nice to? Did I make someone's RTX experience worse? And if I did, would I be trusted enough that they would tell me so I could make it right? These questions eat at me. Then after RTX, I noticed that when I drank I would essentially start yelling my problems at whoever was nearby. So I stopped, since that's not a healthy way to deal with stress. I might keep it up forever. I might allow myself a beer or two if I get to a better place in life. But for now it's all O'Douls and the void in my mind that always wishes, every second of every day, to black out, and that suggests I might be sober for life.
I learned how to fail. To fail huge. To fail catastrophically, in a life-shattering explosion of good intentions and hurt feelings. Twice (sorta, the first one was really at the very tail of 2016 but it counts). Elite39 is dead. I poured all my energy and emotions into it, with all my heart and soul, and it's failure left me as a bit of a husk without purpose or direction. But it also taught me lessons. Sometimes people's intentions just don't line up with what's best for you, and once you see that you need to let them go. You don't need to burn bridges or make them your enemies, but if you realize that you're only delaying your own advancement for the sake of someone who doesn't have your best-interest in mind then leave as soon as you can. Also sometimes people are just crazy, or aren't as smart as they think. They make mistakes, often well-meaning, but still damaging. That's just the way things are. But accept earnest apologies. And cut all ties in silence when people prove they're as bad as you tried not to think they were.
On a happier note, I did do a shoey with preworkout at work.
After I failed and Elite39 closed I explored other options. I train now, and that's my only job at my work, but I still need to get more clients before I can afford to leave my parent's house again. My goal is to get that to full-time (as in, 30+ training hours and 10ish other hours per week) before my birthday. So we can call that resolution one.
For my sanity, using what little savings I had from working 9-9 five days a week and 9-2 Saturdays (some clever phrasing and legalese meant my actual overtime pay was very limited) I took up taekwondo, and I've managed to find a purpose with this next resolution. I love it, it feels good, but there's something else, a sensation of rightness I can't adequately describe when I train or even really think hard about training, a natural flow to my movements I haven't felt in over three years. As in, since my Temple year. So my resolution, the big one, is to fight and win in taekwondo competitions this year, as a heavyweight (as in, 177 pounds or heavier). Not just to win, but to win big. Not just to get good, but to get so good every competition I'm in becomes a contest for second place. I've more than regained all my old abilities, and I train so much harder now that I ever have before. I'm pretty confident that, if I really focus, I can be more than just a solid fighter, I can be a champion.
A minor but related resolution is to figure out what's up with my shoulders. Taekwondo is more focused on foot techniques than hand techniques, but any mobility impingement is a problem. This gives me a reason to get them checked that's pressing and urgent, because if I regain the ability to move my shoulders without pain there's no telling how vicious my punches will get, or how fast my blocks will be.
I'm laying it all on the table again, I'm going to give this my all and be more and better than what I was supposed to be in 2013. And this time it'll be because I want to, not because of some kind of proclamation from a holy man that I had some kind of destiny. I have my purpose back, so expect me to be even better than my old, happy self again soon. There may be no rock bottom you can't make worse, but by that same token there's no telling how high we can go! So let's break through our limits with everything we've got!
(And because I gotta):
Fuck off, 2017! KAME-AND-A-HAME-AND-A-SEND-'EM-HOME-TO-MOMMY!