Tropes FIRST Member Star(s) Indication of membership status - One star is a FIRST member, two stars is Double Gold Einn Saman

28 years old
Male
from Boston, MA

  • Activity

    • Einn Saman

      12 hours ago

      Tropes Einn Saman

      Old Norse for "One Together." In no context it just means "alone" or "on one's own." My pride is damaged and my emotions are crippled but I'm still going to follow my own path. I've been in bad spots before. I've been unemployed thousands of miles from my entire support network, I've been so broke I couldn't eat for days. 


      I'm not about to drop now, even if my body and mind are starting to come apart at the seams. I still have four graves to piss on and I'm not going down before that gets done. Round one of twelve is drawing to a close, and I may have lost this round but I have eleven more to win. 

    • Endless Litany

      3 days ago

      Tropes Einn Saman

      So. Today I learned that I can't afford to keep paying rent on my band's practice space. Now, I don't mean "I need to keep down expenses." I mean that despite living with my parents at 28 I straight do not possess the $127/month for that. Because it also looks like I'm not as good at sales as I remember, or became worse when my spirit was broken. Which may also mean my days as a trainer are numbered - I'm not saying I'd be fired, but 10-15 hours of training just ain't enough and doesn't look like it'll grow anytime soon. So two more things to add to the endless litany of failure that is my life.


      I miss being a janitor. There was none of this stress and pressure. Maybe I can find a place that needs one full-time so I can at least make money as I try to claw my way out of being a loser and a failure.

    • It me

      6 days ago

      Tropes Einn Saman

      Tfw you meet someone cool who lifts and is as in-touch with her self-loathing as you are but you're previous year of emotionally crippling personal and professional failures, desire to be alone as much as possible and belief that relationships are just the fetal stages of inevitable, ugly breakups keeps you from asking for her number.


      I mean today was fine but sometimes being this introspective stings a little.

    • Training update

      2 weeks ago

      Tropes Einn Saman

      Fuck, miiiiiiiiiiiight have a meniscus tear. 


      Not sure though, might have just tweaked it, but I really should go to a doctor anyway. Either way it's not bad enough that it's slowed me down all that much.


      In all other regards, holy crap I love training. I have a day and a half to figure out my new weight training program, but since I'm going to be training taekwondo every day this month I plan on actually scaling that back a little, likely a 3-4 days per week 5x5 style program, with a few isolation movements to keep things fun. I'll also need to hit up my friends who do sport-specific training and see if they have any tips. 


      Current weight is finally almost 200 pounds, which means that when I lean out I'll hopefully still be a heavyweight. Lots of exciting stuff! Realtalk, it's good to have purpose and ambition again. 

    • The Year Of Putting Everything Up At Stake

      3 weeks ago

      Tropes Einn Saman

      Yo.


      This year sucked. Not gonna get around it. Yeah it had some good moments, but even leaving aside the world going to hell in a handbasket, at the age of 28 I've become a nihilist who lives with his parents on a floor mattress in his younger brother's room because he's too broke to live anywhere else. I'm not going to dwell on it, but it does need to be acknowledged: this year was an enormous blow to my pride and my dignity.


      That said, I've also learned an enormous amount about myself and about the world. I've weaned off a good deal of absolute assumptions. Nothing is certain, nothing is secure. There is no rock bottom you can't break further below. Sometimes people are just assholes, or crazy, or dumb and there's no rhyme or reason that you can use to reach them. That's just the way things are, and while you should work to try to fix it you're not going to get through to everybody all the time, and you shouldn't beat yourself up when someone just doesn't want to hear you.


      I stopped drinking. As some of you may recall I was drunk pretty much continuously during RTX and the surrounding days. People have told me that even though I was dumb I was nice, but what about times they weren't around? Was there anyone I WASN'T nice to? Did I make someone's RTX experience worse? And if I did, would I be trusted enough that they would tell me so I could make it right? These questions eat at me. Then after RTX, I noticed that when I drank I would essentially start yelling my problems at whoever was nearby. So I stopped, since that's not a healthy way to deal with stress. I might keep it up forever. I might allow myself a beer or two if I get to a better place in life. But for now it's all O'Douls and the void in my mind that always wishes, every second of every day, to black out, and that suggests I might be sober for life.


      I learned how to fail. To fail huge. To fail catastrophically, in a life-shattering explosion of good intentions and hurt feelings. Twice (sorta, the first one was really at the very tail of 2016 but it counts). Elite39 is dead. I poured all my energy and emotions into it, with all my heart and soul, and it's failure left me as a bit of a husk without purpose or direction. But it also taught me lessons. Sometimes people's intentions just don't line up with what's best for you, and once you see that you need to let them go. You don't need to burn bridges or make them your enemies, but if you realize that you're only delaying your own advancement for the sake of someone who doesn't have your best-interest in mind then leave as soon as you can. Also sometimes people are just crazy, or aren't as smart as they think. They make mistakes, often well-meaning, but still damaging. That's just the way things are. But accept earnest apologies. And cut all ties in silence when people prove they're as bad as you tried not to think they were. 


      On a happier note, I did do a shoey with preworkout at work.


      After I failed and Elite39 closed I explored other options. I train now, and that's my only job at my work, but I still need to get more clients before I can afford to leave my parent's house again. My goal is to get that to full-time (as in, 30+ training hours and 10ish other hours per week) before my birthday. So we can call that resolution one. 


      For my sanity, using what little savings I had from working 9-9 five days a week and 9-2 Saturdays (some clever phrasing and legalese meant my actual overtime pay was very limited) I took up taekwondo, and I've managed to find a purpose with this next resolution. I love it, it feels good, but there's something else, a sensation of rightness I can't adequately describe when I train or even really think hard about training, a natural flow to my movements I haven't felt in over three years. As in, since my Temple year. So my resolution, the big one, is to fight and win in taekwondo competitions this year, as a heavyweight (as in, 177 pounds or heavier). Not just to win, but to win big. Not just to get good, but to get so good every competition I'm in becomes a contest for second place. I've more than regained all my old abilities, and I train so much harder now that I ever have before. I'm pretty confident that, if I really focus, I can be more than just a solid fighter, I can be a champion. 


      A minor but related resolution is to figure out what's up with my shoulders. Taekwondo is more focused on foot techniques than hand techniques, but any mobility impingement is a problem. This gives me a reason to get them checked that's pressing and urgent, because if I regain the ability to move my shoulders without pain there's no telling how vicious my punches will get, or how fast my blocks will be. 


      I'm laying it all on the table again, I'm going to give this my all and be more and better than what I was supposed to be in 2013. And this time it'll be because I want to, not because of some kind of proclamation from a holy man that I had some kind of destiny. I have my purpose back, so expect me to be even better than my old, happy self again soon. There may be no rock bottom you can't make worse, but by that same token there's no telling how high we can go! So let's break through our limits with everything we've got!


      (And because I gotta):


      Fuck off, 2017! KAME-AND-A-HAME-AND-A-SEND-'EM-HOME-TO-MOMMY!

    • Figuring out regular resolutions

      4 weeks ago

      Tropes Einn Saman

      I actually have specific ideas this time! I didn't really post any last time around, which might have been an oversight in my recap post, but this year I'll do one, either as part of or alongside the recap post. Some are small, some are big, some are simple, some are tough. But I think they'll all be good for me.

    • How I Am Avoiding Killing Myself

      1 month ago

      Tropes Einn Saman

      Late last week I almost killed myself. The knife was in my hand. I'm not sure how or why, but I stopped myself at the last second. 


      The reason for it was simple enough, the GOP is going to be victorious in achieving their fascist utopia for the wealthy. Their tax plan will pass, impoverishing me for life so they don't have to pay taxes on private jets. They'll kill Net Neutrality, ensuring that the ability to communicate among dissidents can be crippled at will. Trump will fire Mueller without objection from the other branches of the US Government and nary a peep from the Republican base, thereby declaring himself above the law. A politician who has any concern for re-election doesn't consistently pass through deeply unpopular legislation and constantly disrespect the Constitution, so from there the best case scenario is the GOP retires en masse with their ill-gotten gains to enjoy their relatively tax-free lavish lifestyles, where they will all live long lives free from worry or consequence and never feel so much as a guilty twinge for guaranteeing permanent wealth inequality in America. More likely, since Trump will by this point be both in spirit and on paper above the law and immune from consequence, elections will simply be done away with, anyone outside the ideal Republican mold of "white ethnostate" will be purged, and the GOP will be the only force in American government, and they will all live long lives free from worry or consequence and never feel so much as a guilty twinge for guaranteeing permanent wealth inequality in America, only this time they'll do so over the literal mass graves of Muslims, POC and LGBT people. There is no hope or happy ending. 


      Logically, since all is completely lost without hope of redemption and the world is an awful, chaotic place with no decency or reason, I still see no reason NOT to just fucking die. Since I don't expect to be convinced otherwise as the GOP is, in fact, still alive and therefore an unsolved problem I haven't called a suicide hotline. Why would I? What can they possibly tell me that would help? Lie to me and say it'll all be okay? Say it's not as bad as it seems? That the world isn't burning around me while the people doing it are defended by the very people they'll be hurting?


      But, what little emotion that hasn't been crippled by the GOP's crushing of the American dream and the realization of how empty and pointless a few rich white guys can make all life on earth still kinda basically doesn't want to make my Mom sad, and the mental image of my cat, confused, expectantly nudging at my bloodsoaked, lifeless body on the kitchen floor isn't great either. So I didn't go through with it, and I have a safeguard to make sure I stay that way. Because I was right on the edge and I don't know if I can come back from it again as things get worse and worse, and make no mistake but they will (and they'll be blamed on everyone but the GOP, of course).


      The concept of Yule Oaths in Medieval Scandanavia is like that of the New Year's Resolution, only they were accountable by execution or exile if unfulfilled. Obviously, we don't live in a culture that will kill you for unfulfilled oaths, and I don't believe there's any magic in an oath sworn on or near the solstice because there's no magic. But that said, I've got a tattoo out of joke-spite, so staying alive out of actual spite is doable. 


      My Yule Oath is that, even though neither myself nor anyone else will rub justice in these people's faces (and, by consequence, all over their walls) since they will live long, happy and carefree lives into the triple digits before dying painlessly of natural causes, I swear that I will desecrate the graves of Ajit Pai, Paul Ryan, Mitch McConnell and Donald Trump. Only then am I allowed to die. 


      I know, there's no actual point to grave desecration since they're dead and can't care in this imaginary scenario, but it'll be satisfying. So that's how I'm avoiding killing myself: literal, extreme and unadulterated *spite.* And the best part is, if I live long enough to fulfill this, then those four problems with the world will be solved, so I may not want to die anymore by then.


      So that was a bit raw, but that's my brain right now. Literally surviving out of spite.

    • Head Tattoo

      1 month ago

      Tropes Einn Saman

      I'm psychologically committed to getting a head tattoo before next RTX.


      That is all.

    • Stuck at 190

      1 month ago

      Tropes Einn Saman

      Not exactly, actually, I lost weight this week despite how much I've been eating. I'm closer to 188 now, which is odd. I've been eating very clean, but it's just been so much damn food. My assumption is that because of how clean I've kept it this week I've just lost waterweight and this is closer to my actual weight. But wither way, my goal is to get to at least 200 by March, preferably more, without putting on too much excess fat. So I'll need to reexamine my nutrition a little to get this figured out. 


      As for training, I've been doing two most days, an our or so of taekwondo and an hour or two of weightlifting. I'm currently doing Chris Hemsworth's Thor: Ragnarok program because I just saw that move and DAMN that guy is huge. It's been hard, and I don't think that I've ever been training as hard as I am now. And I have to admit I've never felt better.


      I still haven't checked out my shoulder yet because I haven't had a chance, but I can't even imagine how awesome it'll be to eventually get that fixed. At the moment I have a few workarounds - namely floor press and using a bench block to do horizontal pressing motions, the only times my shoulder tends to actually hurt.


      I also hard to describe another feeling, but there's a bouyancy in my step that wasn't there before, a smoothness to my movements I'm happy to have back. In some ways I've exceeded the things I could do before, although in other ways I'm still lagging a little behind. We'll see how things go, but I'm excited for the future!

    • NaNoWriMo Is Done

      1 month ago

      Tropes Einn Saman

      Yo!


      So NaNoWriMo is done. It was easily the densest thing I've ever written. I got through the 50,000 words about a week ahead of schedule, and I still hadn't finished writing Act I. My goal now is to write other stuff while I figure out the future of the book since I'm not quite sure if I like the shape acts II and III are taking. 


      I'm going to spend today writing lyrics, or at least that's the hope, for my new band Born In Clouds. We're hoping to have our first show soon, and we'll set up social media when we get the chance. Also, if someone wants to design a hardcore/metalcore/metal logo on credit (I WILL pay, but I need a few more paychecks before I can physically be able to do so) then hit me up. Again, I will pay, just delayed a little bit. 


      I'm training my ass off recently, in fact I did, and bear with me here, eleven distinct workouts over the last five days. I'll grant that was a bit much even for me and the two solid rest days of today and tomorrow will be very well valued, but damn it feels good to cut loose sometimes.


      Speaking of feeling good, despite the efforts of the Trump administration my healthcare costs through MassHealth are not going to go up, at least not yet. So I want to go see a doctor about my shoulder to see if I can get that fixed. If I can then there's no telling what I'll be capable of once I regain and exceed all my old abilities. As it stands whenever I do horizontal pressing motions it hurts, and occasionally rotating and vertical motions do as well. It also clicks a lot when I move my scapula. Since it's my dominant side this is a big problem, especially when I'm punching and blocking - if every time I try to block a kick my shoulder hurts that could end pretty badly for me. 


      Speaking of my old abilities, it's been four years and eleven months since I moved into the Shim Gwang Sa Mind-Light Temple, and three years and eleven months since I left it forever. That's a sobering thought. 


      Speaking of sobriety, it's been three months and one week since the last time I had a drink. I'm kind of proud of that.


      So how y'all doing?

  • Comments (41)

    • Shoban FIRST Member Star(s) Indication of membership status - One star is a FIRST member, two stars is Double Gold Nabohs

      1 year ago

      Dude! You became featured user! Happy FU day man!

    • Austin0434

      1 year ago

      I know this random but it looks like you just came of three movies either and early Bond movie, The Godfather series, or a Dianel Daylewis film. In others you have a badass profile picture and I would be honored to have you as friend.

    • Cinomari FIRST Member Star(s) Indication of membership status - One star is a FIRST member, two stars is Double Gold Keeper of N00bs

      1 year ago

      Elegant writing! See you at RTX?

      • Tropes FIRST Member Star(s) Indication of membership status - One star is a FIRST member, two stars is Double Gold Einn Saman

        1 year ago

        Thank you! I'll be there

    • DiMono FIRST Member Star(s) Indication of membership status - One star is a FIRST member, two stars is Double Gold It's Back Baby!

      2 years ago

      Ursula K Le Guin on where ideas come from and about the writing process. Figured you'd find this as interesting as I did.

      • Tropes FIRST Member Star(s) Indication of membership status - One star is a FIRST member, two stars is Double Gold Einn Saman

        2 years ago

        Definitely interesting! A lot of it is validating, especially the bits emphasizing the importance of hard work over finding some "secret" that transforms you into a writer.

    • StryfeRyder FIRST Member Star(s) Indication of membership status - One star is a FIRST member, two stars is Double Gold

      3 years ago

      Awesome meeting you at PAX, did you manage to get into the RT line at all?

      • Tropes FIRST Member Star(s) Indication of membership status - One star is a FIRST member, two stars is Double Gold Einn Saman

        3 years ago

        Nah, but that's fine. I'd met them all before and got to hang out with other awesome people anyhow. Good meeting you too!

    • RAGEgirl FIRST Member Star(s) Indication of membership status - One star is a FIRST member, two stars is Double Gold r00kie

      4 years ago

      Also: I just noticed that I'm in your profile pic. That's pretty awesome. =P

    • RAGEgirl FIRST Member Star(s) Indication of membership status - One star is a FIRST member, two stars is Double Gold r00kie

      4 years ago

      Definitely makes sense. Definitely annoying when writers do that.

      It's so weird to me that they keep creating these characters and/or writing them up in that way, when I feel like readers have voiced enough of a distaste for that kind of character/writing. It's almost like they don't realize that not everything has to be super-amazingly-impressive for us to like them. I like ice cream, but it doesn't have to blow my mind for me to enjoy eating it.

    • Nero

      4 years ago

      Hey @Tropes @halo_dudette and @Jteeth

      We got like a week to go, and I'm just wondering if it's a good idea to maybe exchange cell phone numbers so people can coordinate upon arrival and stuff?

      But other than that, it might be good to just go over everyone's arrival plans and stuff like that.

      I personally will be arriving in Toronto (pending no delays on the train) on Train 57 at Union Station downtown at 3:35pm on Thursday the 6th. I'm leaving on Monday the 10th at 5:35pm. When I get there I'm just gonna walk to the hotel, it's maybe a 20 minute walk so I should be at the hotel for 4pm

      • Jteeth FIRST Member Star(s) Indication of membership status - One star is a FIRST member, two stars is Double Gold Mandalf, his brother

        4 years ago

        I'll be coming in on the Thursday at 5ish. Then once I check in at the hotel I'll be going to see fast 6!

      • Tropes FIRST Member Star(s) Indication of membership status - One star is a FIRST member, two stars is Double Gold Einn Saman

        4 years ago

        I'll likely be there later than that. I'm taking a bus to Dundas Station. Last year we were delayed at customs and so arrived at 10, but the scheduled arrival is 8PM. I can see the hotel from Dundas, it's no more than a five-minute walk.

    • williams FIRST Member Star(s) Indication of membership status - One star is a FIRST member, two stars is Double Gold

      4 years ago

      That's great, thank you!! Yes I think I will be around on Friday, but I really dont know for sure yet.

    • williams FIRST Member Star(s) Indication of membership status - One star is a FIRST member, two stars is Double Gold

      5 years ago

      Hey man!! Thanks!! Yeah, it's cool to find new ways to use the characters themes. Try to tie it in...without wearing it out....you know?

      • williams FIRST Member Star(s) Indication of membership status - One star is a FIRST member, two stars is Double Gold

        5 years ago

        Very kind of to say that---thanks so much. It's a really fun riff to play on gtr so I dont even think I thought about it at all, just did it. smiley13.gif

      • Tropes FIRST Member Star(s) Indication of membership status - One star is a FIRST member, two stars is Double Gold Einn Saman

        5 years ago

        well I think you're doing just that. I mean, Plagam Extremam Infligere was, I thought, a single-scene wonder but by swapping out the drum for guitar along with the other changes you've changed it up enough to call back that chill while still having it be fresh.

    • THAYT FIRST Member Star(s) Indication of membership status - One star is a FIRST member, two stars is Double Gold Joker SR2

      5 years ago

      Met you at RvBTO!!!

    • Jteeth FIRST Member Star(s) Indication of membership status - One star is a FIRST member, two stars is Double Gold Mandalf, his brother

      5 years ago

      Uhhhhh A LITERARY DEVICE!

      • Tropes FIRST Member Star(s) Indication of membership status - One star is a FIRST member, two stars is Double Gold Einn Saman

        5 years ago

        Good, you remembered!

    • williams FIRST Member Star(s) Indication of membership status - One star is a FIRST member, two stars is Double Gold

      5 years ago

      Thats awesome, I'm so glad that people seemed to like that. The first version of the song is so aggressive I was worried that people would take it as...ummm, i dunno....ridiculous, maybe. If that makes sense. Thanks man, I truly appreciate the kind word!

    • williams FIRST Member Star(s) Indication of membership status - One star is a FIRST member, two stars is Double Gold

      5 years ago

      Thanks for being there with us!!!! It was a lot of fun, great to see you as always.

    • Oaktownpull

      5 years ago

      Hey man, saw your post from PAX, and you're doing RvBTO, but are you also hitting up RTX this year?

      • Oaktownpull

        5 years ago

        Right on. Hopefully the planets will align and RTX will happen.

      • Tropes FIRST Member Star(s) Indication of membership status - One star is a FIRST member, two stars is Double Gold Einn Saman

        5 years ago

        I wish! I only had the money for one, and since this is going to be the last RvBTO I'm going to do that this year and then RTX 2013 instead.

        Or, well, that's what's probably going to happen. There is a sequence of increasingly unlikely events that, if they all happened just so, would allow me to do both. I'm not holding my breath though :(

    • magicookie

      6 years ago

      TV Tropes ruined my life. smiley1.gif

      • Tropes FIRST Member Star(s) Indication of membership status - One star is a FIRST member, two stars is Double Gold Einn Saman

        6 years ago

        Yeah, someone once said that seeing the strings might make it worse, but instead I read books that I already liked and say "AAAH! I see what you did there!"

      • magicookie

        6 years ago

        Lycantropes, i.e. tropes about werewolves!

        TV Tropes has done both, just like Reddit... For some reason, understanding WHY something is funny makes it way funnier. It also makes me much better at perceiving writing mechanics.

      • Tropes FIRST Member Star(s) Indication of membership status - One star is a FIRST member, two stars is Double Gold Einn Saman

        6 years ago

        Ruined or enriched?

        Funny thing, I actually didn't get this name based on my uncanny awareness of tropes. I got it because a British man in a chatroom couldn't spell "lycanthropy."

    • williams FIRST Member Star(s) Indication of membership status - One star is a FIRST member, two stars is Double Gold

      6 years ago

      hahahahaaaa----yeaaaaah

    • williams FIRST Member Star(s) Indication of membership status - One star is a FIRST member, two stars is Double Gold

      6 years ago

      Thanks thanks thanks man!!! Yeah I cant wait to be able to TAKE a road trip...or even a day trip sounds incredible right now.

    • williams FIRST Member Star(s) Indication of membership status - One star is a FIRST member, two stars is Double Gold

      6 years ago

      In reply to Tropes, #7:

      Thank YOU!!! I feel very lucky to make music for RvB and you guys. Hope you like the new stuff....!!

      smiley13.gifsmiley13.gif

    • williams FIRST Member Star(s) Indication of membership status - One star is a FIRST member, two stars is Double Gold

      6 years ago

      The soundtrack is going to come out piecemeal on iTunes, and those versions will be the OST versions. So, they will be very much like what you hear in the episodes. For the CD, I will probably do something similar to the Revelation CD, where I will make extended fancier versions .

    • elpez124

      6 years ago

      If you have Morrowind for the PC and would be interested in participating in an experiment, please email Game-study@hotmail.com.

    • williams FIRST Member Star(s) Indication of membership status - One star is a FIRST member, two stars is Double Gold

      7 years ago

      Cuz you're the best. The BEST. EVER!!!!!!


      smiley13.gifsmiley13.gifsmiley13.gifsmiley13.gifsmiley13.gifsmiley13.gifsmiley13.gifsmiley13.gifsmiley13.gifsmiley13.gif

    • Orion255

      7 years ago

      Hey mate, going to PAX East again this year?

    • williams FIRST Member Star(s) Indication of membership status - One star is a FIRST member, two stars is Double Gold

      7 years ago

      Hey!

      I really really want to thank you for such kind words. Actually eleventy billion aren't saying it, it's just been a nice handful of people who have noticed.

      It's very much appreciated, I am so very glad that you like it. I can't wait for you to have the whole CD (soon, soon!!).

      Thanks again and best wishes,
      Jeff

    • Fuck_Berries

      7 years ago

      Hahaha, lol. It's probably one of my favorite Tucker lines.

    • TheJas

      7 years ago

      I don't know. Try sending me a request and maybe it'll get fixed?

    • Tropes FIRST Member Star(s) Indication of membership status - One star is a FIRST member, two stars is Double Gold Einn Saman

      8 years ago

      Yeah, see, I didn't actually do that. I joined the group and everyone (all two of them) vanished. So now I'm "in charge."

    • BigGuns117

      8 years ago

      yo the griff fan club image needs to be cropped better.

  • Questions answered by Tropes

    Be able to dedicate a lot of time! I'm actually looking for someone to take over the RTNE group because my work schedule has expanded significantly and I think the community deserves someone who can give it the time. So if you don't think you can commit and commit HARD then I'd say to wait until you can.


    Also, be prepared to start slow. The first few events may be only one or two people, and sometimes no one may show up at all. That's okay, don't get discouraged! Things pick up eventually, but only after a lot of time and energy has been poured in.


    Best of luck! :)