Yoink

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from Jerzey

  • Activity

    • Ode to the NJ Parkway Rest Stop

      3 years ago

      Yoink

      Mirror, Mirror on the Wall
      In full view of this bathroom Stall
      Man on Man, you've seen it All
      For a good time, this number, Call

    • Two Guys, One Bowl. Or The Goggles do nussing!

      4 years ago

      Yoink

      A kid at work decided to drop a deuce in the women's bathroom. It was the kind of deuce you'd tell stories about later, but want no immediate witnesses to. Naturally, he clogged the toilet bowl so bad he had no choice but to tell me. I go back to the bathroom with him to remedy the situation. He tries The Plunger, then I...no dice.

      He then has the brilliant idea to dislodge whatever may be blocking the flow with the Toilet Brush...which immediately snaps off the handle and wedges in the hole. It is at that exact moment that I not only ban him from the bathroom, but also from looking me in the eyes for the forseeable future.

      I put up an "Out of Order" sign, texted the boss to bring a Snake and called it a day.

      I should mention that while I was standing in the Can, looking at the mess he dragged me into, I thanked the kid for his honesty and for allowing me to share in his special moment. I also said, "If we're being honest, if I had made the mess you made, not only would I not have fessed up, I would have walked out the back door and you would have never seen me again." ...He laughed, I was serious.

    • Too Long; Did Not Read

      4 years ago

      Yoink

      Against my better judgement I went to A.C. for the night with some friends. For those not in the know, AC would be Atlantic City, not Albert Clifford as some of you may have assumed. Save by the Bell reference, anyone? No? Just me? That's cool.

      Moving on...

      Normally Saturday Night in AC is the boys night out, but this time I was informed we would be bringing my friend's neighbor Matt, who was turning 21, which is cool...but also tagging along was my friend's wife...and the kid's mother. Sounds like a good old time, yeah? No.

      A little background, my friend & his wife always bicker back & forth. They don't argue about which one is the better parent, they debate who is the shittier parent. It's pretty much a nightmare going out with them together. Separately, they are fine, but together it's torture. I always seem to drink too much whenever I go out with them. Coincidence? I think not.

      We went out to eat at this fine dinning establishment called Hooters. It's a pretty swanky place. I forgot my dinner jacket & tie back at the room, but luckily I was able to get in anyway. Next was the Comedy Club, and then finally off to the dance clubs. Along the way I had consumed quite a bit of Alcohol, but was in pretty good shape...until I wasn't.

      I seem to remember leaving the dance club with Matt, but nothing beyond that...that is until I realized I was standing in the hotel hallway with a security guard asking me if I knew which room I was staying in. Now, I have no idea what kind of inane shit I was babbling before coming to, but now that I was actually back at the wheel I was able to answer his question & get back to my room.

      As we rode the elevator up to my floor, I glanced down & noticed that my sleeve was covered in vomit, to which I remarked "hmmm, look at that. Looks like somebody threw up on me." The guard opens the door, I go to sleep on the floor.

      I woke up, couldn't tell you what time it was, but it was still dark & the other 3 people in the room were sleeping. I went to the bathroom to remove bodily fluids from various orifices, washed my hands & went to leave. The whole process took about 5 minutes...or so I thought. Turns out, when I came out of the bathroom, the sun was shinning and everyone was awake & ready to leave. I have no idea how long I was actually in there.

      As we made our way through checkout, I was filled in about some of the missing details about the night before. Matt and I somehow made our way to the correct portion of the hotel, but fell down several times before actually making it to the room. I passed out in the hallway & Matt continued to the room to retrieve our friend to bring me back to the room. Small problem, when Matt got back to the room, he passed out on the bed for a bit, but to his credit, he did wake up & managed to get me back to the room.

      Once inside the room, I sat down in the chair & we chatted for a bit. I apparently signaled the end of that conversation by face planting onto the floor, then passed out again. For some reason or another, I woke up & left the room, that's when the security guard found me. Don't know how long I was out of the room or what transpired during that time.

      According to Matt, at some point before we reached the room, we stopped in the bathroom, where I spent the better part of 5 minutes trying to get the soap dispenser to work. Matt remedied that problem be informing me that I was trying to dispense soap from a light fixture. C'mon, who hasn't made that mistake? Also, the vomit on my sleeve? Yeah, I was sleeping in a puddle of it the first time I had been back to the room. It's been speculated that I ralphed on the floor (Ewww!) and then slept in it. I vehemently dispute that fact! Did I sleep in it? Sure. But there is absolutely no proof that yak was mine. The only eye witness was drunk off his ass, I would hardly call that expert testimony. That's just merely a classic text book case of wrong place/wrong time. There's not a court in the land that would convict me!

      My friend's wife was not at all happy. "You all smell like Alcohol and Vomit!' (...I think some more than others) And that is exactly why the women folk are never invited. This is pretty much common place, if it hadn't been me, it would have been somebody else. We never leave AC without a story.

      ...Remember kids, drink responsibly.

    • 4 years ago

      Yoink

      For those of you who follow me on Twitter, you are well aware that I take Granny food shopping nearly every Friday morning, you know this because there are usually humorous Supermarket inspired tweets every Friday morning.

      On to the matter at hand; if you don't know, the Supermarket is where Stupidity and Rudeness go to mate. Most people shop and conduct themselves as though they were the only people in the store.

      Yesterday it snowed, so Granny asked me to just go pick up a few items, which is great! Why is it great? Well, because Granny is 92 years old and it usually takes her about 2 hours to do her shopping...I was done with the entire list in 20 minutes. The whole operation went smoothly, that is until it was time to leave the store.

      Naturally, I was at the register farthest from the exit, which means I had to pass EVERY other register on the way out. All I wanted to do was leave the store, that's all! Not asking to much. Nearly every single person who had a shopping cart left it blocking the exit lane. I ask politely for them to move, so I may pass. I received a few very rude response in return.

      WELP, we tried it the nice way, now we do it my way. I just plowed aside all objects blocking my path, shopping cart, man, woman, & child alike.

      This is a fairly accurate reenactment. Seems Reasonable

    • My Dog, The Asshole.

      4 years ago

      Yoink

      Every night, without fail, we go through the same routine. No, not taking over the world; that's waaaay above our pay grade.

      First, a little background: My bed is too high for the dog to jump on without a running start. The configuration of my apartment, combined with the layout of my bedroom & my dog's general laziness makes that nearly impossible for him to do, so I need to lift him onto the bed.

      Me: I'm going to bed, Fool. You coming?
      Dog: ...
      Me: I said; are you coming?
      Dog: Go fuck yourself.
      Me: So, you're going to sleep on the couch then?
      Dog: Looks like.
      Me: Are you sure?
      Dog: Yep.
      Me: POSITIVE?
      Dog: Piss off.

      I walk into the bedroom:

      Me: Alright, all aboard who's going aboard!
      Dog: Fuck off!

      A short time later...

      Me: zzzzZZZZzzzzZZZZ...
      Dog: Hey. Hey. HEY. HEY!
      Me:zzzZZZZ...wha...what?!
      Dog: You sleeping?
      Me; Not Anymore!
      Dog: Oh good, can I come up?
      Me: GODDAMMIT!

      Pick the dog's fat ass up, put him on the bed:

      Me: ::staring at the ceiling::
      Dog: So...same time tomorrow night?
      Me: Yes, of that I am certain, Pinky!

    • A man can dream, can't he?

      5 years ago

      Yoink

      Don't you just love how people on TV and in the movies can knock people out with just a single punch, without any irreparable damage? How cool would it be to be able to do that in real life?

      "Daddy, Daddy, I want a toy!" ::WAM:: ...shhhh, it's nap time, kid.

      "I want to speak to your manager!" ::WAM:: ...maybe when you wake up.

      "Good morning, honey!" ::WAM:: ...Goodnight, mom!

      Wouldn't that make life so much more pleasant for everyone? So many practical applications!

  • Comments (127)

    • tonyski change is scary

      3 years ago

      Insidious yoink?

      • tonyski change is scary

        3 years ago

        Ah, cool. I love your YouTube stories.

      • Yoink

        3 years ago

        Yup.

    • bigspencer

      4 years ago

      Can we please have more story time? PLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASE?

    • mvlonewolf FIRST Member Star(s) Indication of membership status - One star is a FIRST member, two stars is Double Gold

      4 years ago

      Woah, big last minute congrats from the west coast. Should've taken Michael and Lindsey to Applebee's and filmed their engagement there.

    • meeka

      4 years ago

      Happy FU Day! smiley13.gif

    • DeadEndIrony

      4 years ago

      Congrats on being featured

    • Russspruce FIRST Member Star(s) Indication of membership status - One star is a FIRST member, two stars is Double Gold

      4 years ago

      Hey dude, congrats on being the Featured User!

    • ShiverMyDear

      4 years ago

      Congratulations on your Featured User!

    • Neefertiti FIRST Member Star(s) Indication of membership status - One star is a FIRST member, two stars is Double Gold Wraith

      4 years ago

      Congrats on being the featured user!

    • edwin

      4 years ago

      Happy FU day!

    • JuanTon

      4 years ago

      Happy FU.
      Sincerely, Sugar Tits.

    • Andy FIRST Member Star(s) Indication of membership status - One star is a FIRST member, two stars is Double Gold Editor n' Junk

      4 years ago

      Happy FU day. Queer.

    • ReaperKiing

      4 years ago

      eh happy FU day!

    • Kaoru27Umi FIRST Member Star(s) Indication of membership status - One star is a FIRST member, two stars is Double Gold Princess of Mars

      4 years ago

      Yeah Jersey~ Happy FU smiley13.gif

    • Michael FIRST Member Star(s) Indication of membership status - One star is a FIRST member, two stars is Double Gold

      4 years ago

      Who the FUck are you? GET IT?! LAWL! It's because you're the Featured User. That was the joke. Seriously though, who the fuck are you?

    • Dusty_Dink FIRST Member Star(s) Indication of membership status - One star is a FIRST member, two stars is Double Gold Pizza 4 Life

      4 years ago

      HAPPY FU DAY!

    • Nic_Pietron FIRST Member Star(s) Indication of membership status - One star is a FIRST member, two stars is Double Gold Arch-guy

      4 years ago

      FU? Cheers Yoink!!!

    • brianhorn FIRST Member Star(s) Indication of membership status - One star is a FIRST member, two stars is Double Gold

      4 years ago

      An excellent choice for Featured User, you're a pretty amusing dude.

    • Medidoc

      4 years ago

      Happy FU day :D

    • SailorTweek FIRST Member Star(s) Indication of membership status - One star is a FIRST member, two stars is Double Gold RTX Head Guardian

      4 years ago

      Happy Featured User Day! smiley13.gif

    • gutser

      4 years ago

      Woah mister Featured User over here!

    • Bellzebob

      4 years ago

      Congrats on being Featured User!

    • jinnfer

      4 years ago

      Hello,
      My Name is Miss Jennifer,I read your profile today and it was so good to
      me.i feel you are the only one,i am interested to be a friend
      first.please contact me(jenniferbadara2012@yahoo.co.uk)
      miss.JENNIFER JUST WISHING YOU THE BEST OF 2013.

    • ArcherRoLLz

      5 years ago

      Cheers for accepting dude, how are you?

    • spoonyjuno FIRST Member Star(s) Indication of membership status - One star is a FIRST member, two stars is Double Gold

      5 years ago

      ...GACK! You found me!

      ...

      Er, wait. How did you find me?!

      • spoonyjuno FIRST Member Star(s) Indication of membership status - One star is a FIRST member, two stars is Double Gold

        5 years ago

        Oh...Awesome.

      • Yoink

        5 years ago

        It was a journal, though I believe that may automatically tweet when you post it if you link your twitter.

      • spoonyjuno FIRST Member Star(s) Indication of membership status - One star is a FIRST member, two stars is Double Gold

        5 years ago

        Er, wait which tweet?

      • Yoink

        5 years ago

        I followed the trail of the plutonium. ...either that or I saw your tweet, definitely one or the other.

    • oldmanjenkin

      5 years ago

      yoink quick question when you accept friend requests on xbox do you prefer the gamer to frequently buy games so you can play with him or her as new games

      • Yoink

        5 years ago

        No, not at all. The only time I play with someone outside my core group, it's usually Halo multiplayer. There are exceptions of course.

    • TurretTeeth

      5 years ago

      i forgot how to send a friend request can yu tell me

    • FREDOMFIGTER

      5 years ago

      YOU ARE Clearly smarter than Micheal

    • gutser

      5 years ago

      You Should've Went On The Internet Box You Would Make That Shit 10 Times Better

      • gutser

        5 years ago

        No Problem My Good Sir

      • Yoink

        5 years ago

        Thank you, that's nice of you to say.

    • preston

      5 years ago

      Do you believe in magic?

    • Mrfrosty93

      5 years ago

      Random word of the late night..."Poopy-face"(compound word).

      • Mrfrosty93

        5 years ago

        Not as random as gaseous bowel movements.... That shit gas can strike at any time and the worst of times.

      • Yoink

        5 years ago

        Yeah, that's pretty random alright.

    • preston

      5 years ago

      13219d1329682064-funny-gifs-01.gif

    • silagrev

      5 years ago

      Happy Belated Birthday. I tried to go back in time so this wouldn't be late, but I don't think it worked.

      • Yoink

        5 years ago

        Thanks! I appreciate the extra effort.

    • Majtaj

      5 years ago

      Happy late Birthday...or maybe i'm on time. I don't know I'm on the east coast. Either way hope your day was awesome

      • Yoink

        5 years ago

        Thanks man, I appreciate that.

    • The_Hybrid FIRST Member Star(s) Indication of membership status - One star is a FIRST member, two stars is Double Gold

      5 years ago

      Happy Birthday dude :)

      • Yoink

        5 years ago

        Thanks!

    • Hayk

      5 years ago

      Hey Yoink I was wondering when you'll be making a video about the dumb assholes you deal with IR? It has been too long since the last one.

      • Hayk

        5 years ago

        attachment.php?attachmentid=51505&d=1327

      • Yoink

        5 years ago

        I should have one up soon that I was working on. I just have to finish it up. I was on the phone with the cable company for an hour earlier & I recorded the entire thing, so that should make for another one.

    • Jillian

      5 years ago

      too many dicks on the dancefloor

    • mindmovement

      5 years ago

      Currently watching you and Michael play your way through Portal 2 in your let's play vids: www.youtube.com/watch?v=kejhIkW8krI&featu...

      You guys just kill me! xD

      • Hayk

        5 years ago

        So when is the next Fear 3 video coming up?

        /trollface.jpg

      • mindmovement

        5 years ago

        It seemed like it! There were so many times that I just burst out laughing and couldn't stop for minutes! xD

        And thank's for taking the time to reply! :)

      • Yoink

        5 years ago

        Yeah, that one was fun to make. Actually, they were all fun to make.

    • Charlie8282 FIRST Member Star(s) Indication of membership status - One star is a FIRST member, two stars is Double Gold

      5 years ago

      In reply to Yoink, #4:

      I appreciate the compliment, bud!

      yeah i really like how you arranged Galactus to it feels like he's reaching out of the rings. i've always been jealous of great graphic work smiley13.gif

    • chazzyboi808 FIRST Member Star(s) Indication of membership status - One star is a FIRST member, two stars is Double Gold

      5 years ago

      Insidious Yoink... thanks for the COMPLETE let's play with michael -_-... but you are still awesome bro! we should play some stupid game together sometime! i already have my clone of michael but your clone doesnt have the right voice... i think its because of the mic that used for the let's plays it needs to be clearer for my twisted (meaning TOTALLY legal) experiments to work! thanks for making me laugh and being my cloned best buddy smiley0.gif

    • Atilaa

      5 years ago

      No harm in asking, but cam you follow me on twitter @don_atle ?

    • th3napn

      5 years ago

      I like your face

    • Erkan FIRST Member Star(s) Indication of membership status - One star is a FIRST member, two stars is Double Gold Take It Easy.... bitches

      5 years ago

      Super belated... Happy New Year and Happy any other holidays you may have celebrated over the Holiday period to everyone on my friends list smiley0.gif

    • Ari

      5 years ago

      That fateful day changed my life too. <3

      Invest some money into it bro. This is a really great business opportunity. I'll donate my college savings if you want, just to get it started and in return I can have a 20% share in Insidious Yoink's Bottled Laugh Inc.

    • Ari

      5 years ago

      I'm not sure if you remember this, but a while ago you promised me you would bottle your amazing laugh and sell it to the masses. I have not seen any Yoink Laugh at the local store, so you obviously have not done it yet. Millions of people are waiting, Yoink.

    • Darkhologram FIRST Member Star(s) Indication of membership status - One star is a FIRST member, two stars is Double Gold

      5 years ago

      Happy New Year! Hope 2012 goes great for you!

    • SailorTweek FIRST Member Star(s) Indication of membership status - One star is a FIRST member, two stars is Double Gold RTX Head Guardian

      5 years ago

      Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays! smiley12.gif

    • BenjP FIRST Member Star(s) Indication of membership status - One star is a FIRST member, two stars is Double Gold

      5 years ago

      Hey man I just wanted to wish you a happy December/Christmas/Chanukah! Have yourself a nice relaxing holiday!

    • DarkPredX

      6 years ago

      HAVE A NICE DAY!!

    • renjidfb FIRST Member Star(s) Indication of membership status - One star is a FIRST member, two stars is Double Gold

      6 years ago

      Hey hey hey what r u doin

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