8 years ago
For those of you who know about my stange symptoms and those of you who don't.. *sigh* I think you all need to know the result. But before we get into the details lets catch everyones attention so they'll actually read this. I'm having brain surgey on December 10th.
For the past 6 months I haven't been able to feel half of my boy, teh whole left side. It feels like it's asleep, freezing/burning, pins and needles,tingling, itching, and an all around nussance - all the time. 24/7 it doesn't stop hurting, and I can't sleep. I have less strength in the left arm and leg and my muscles will orcasionally go dead. For 6 months (well, really a year since that is when weird things started happening) we have been going to the odctor to try and figure out what is going. I had a conductive nerve study and EMG done which came back normal. I had blood tests done including an ANA test which tests for auto imune diseses which came back extremely positive, though they don't think I have and auto imune disease. I went to a nerologist who siad she had no clue what was wrong with me and referred me for an MRI. I had my MRI done and later that day went to see a Rhematologist (to check out the autoimune thing) and by the time we got there she had the results of my MRI. That was on October 5th.
The Rhematologist told us that I have a Chari Malformation. I didn't actualluy find out what that meant until last friday when I got to see a Nerosurgeon. Basically its a malformation in my skull that I've had since birth. Parts of my brian, specifically my cerrebellum developed too small, my skull developed too small around it, and then my brain/cerebellum grew and had no place to go, so where did it go - down and out of my skull and squishing my brainstem. The cerebral also cant flow properly and is being displaced into my spine. I have fluid from my brian in my spine and thats why I can't feel my body - I say it on the MRI pictures.
I saw another Nerosurgeon on Wednesday the 21st for a second opinion. He said the only treament is surgery, also that is is 100% sucessful, in that it may take more than one surgery but it will be fixed. He noticed that I've lost certain reflexs and that I've visibly lost muscle mass in my left hand and most likely other parts of my body as well. He said I could die in 10 yrs if it wasn't treated, and if it wasn't treated quickly I could lose more muscle mass and strength, become paralyzed, and lose the ability to swallow.
I... I don't know what to say anymore about this right now. i just thought people should know. As of right now I'm having surgery on Dec 10th but it may change. so, please keep me in your prayers :-)
8 years ago
I hate the way you always have to play games
I hate the way youÃ¢â‚¬â„¢re dumb
I hate the way you donÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t listen and then youÃ¢â‚¬â„¢re lost
I hate how you donÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t take care of your shit
I hate how you canÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t be a man for me
I hate how it seems youÃ¢â‚¬â„¢ll never grow up
I hate it when youÃ¢â‚¬â„¢re a hypocrite
I hate it when youÃ¢â‚¬â„¢re lazy and wonÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t do anything for yourself
I hate it when you ignore me
I hate it when I hate you, because I donÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t.
I hate how you have no clue what you wantÃ¢â‚¬Â¦
...*sigh* just a way for me to vent...
8 years ago
aside from my computer files this is the next safest place
Tonight, my amazing boyfriend Jeff of 2 months told me he loved me.
If you know Jeff, you know he is WONDEFUL! Polite, gentlemanly, weird, kind, funny, outrageous, does everything for me, and though i will tease him and deny it, he is a real man. I haven't written in a while, here or else where, and though it's late, i knew i had to. Jeff loves me, i had to do something to mark the occasion, so i write. I couln't beleive it, i can't believe it (honestly i do) but still. I just fell like... like there's something special inside of me, that that wonderful boy could love me. He made a joke about he being a gift from God to me and i told him he is. I'm so thankful that God would send me such a wonderful boy but i'm also scared, i don't want to do anything to mess this up.
i've been putting up emotional blocks between me and Jeff for a number of "rational" reasons: i don't know if i want/can handle a serious realtionship, what will happen in the summer?, what will happen in the next couple years? and i guess those are silly things to be thinking about, that i should just live in ther here and now where Jeff loves me and i am falling in love with him, but they're not silly question to me. I'm a worrier, and i think to much, and all that stuff. (not to mention that half my heart is in Russia...)
I just want to have the right mindset i guess. If i think this is temporary then what's the point? How can you love someone and see a future without them? How can you REALLY love someone like that? All the rational parts of me say i'm not ready to love, i dont want to love, i want to have fun and date and see whats out there before i tie myslef down for any length of time. But then i realize what i'm saying, "don't want to love"? and remember "i believe in love" and begin to understand that no matter what may happen, and how i may get hurt, i DO have to live in therhere and now. (its the bohemian way, love now, suffer later) and remember that that ideal is not bad or depressing but hopeful ( i wrote an essay on it myself didn't i?)
well, i do do a good job of talking myself into/out of things, thanks for listening self/computer/friends, i just needed to share it with someone.
"I BELIEVE IN LOVE" <3 Bri
8 years ago
Bri cuts up magazines
Bri has freckles in weird places
Bri can hear the boyÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s video games
Bri dumps water on her head
Bri likes philosophy
Bri puts duct tape on her feet
Bri has records
Bri has irrational fears
Bri makes Love to Daisies
Bri owns a pinball machine
Bri color codes things
Bri thinks Ã¢â‚¬Å“why canÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t we be freeÃ¢â‚¬Â
Bri names things
Bri makes candles
Bri has a fondue pot
Bri Ã¢â‚¬Å“believes in LoveÃ¢â‚¬Â
Bri sings in the car loudly
Bri takes chances
Bri has an Ã¢â‚¬Å“ErinÃ¢â‚¬Â
Bri sees the world through Ã¢â‚¬Å“rose tinted glassesÃ¢â‚¬Â
Bri canÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t do math
Bri believes in Ã¢â‚¬Å“enchantmentÃ¢â‚¬Â
Bri hears God
Bri is afraid of the ocean
Bri hates squares
Bri has a gun fetish
Bri thinks cleaning makes things easier
Bri is Batman
Bri is Art
Bri is a work of Art
(Or rather, Bri is Nothing.
All theses things that she does, and likes, and has, and dislikes, and thinks, and isÃ¢â‚¬Â¦ they do not define her, and her name betrays her, and she isÃ¢â‚¬Â¦. Nothing;
But what God has made her)
8 years ago
"The defining event of the last ten years was the fradulent election of George Bush as President of the united States in 2000. It was the fruition of an anti-liberal reaction that had been working it's way through the American social fabric for the previous thirty years. this reaction was dedicated to, and has to some extent suceeded in, unravelling Western democratic liberalism. We are now in the anit-sixties."
This is the opening paragraph to Brian Eno's essay "The Missionary Position" in the book "Not One More Death" (that Erin sent me for my birthday.) This opinionated Brit has quite a few interesting things to say.
(DISCLAIMER: This note is not meant to offend anyone. It is just one man's point of view... and I like to read. It is mostly for mine and Erin's enjoyment, and the education of those interested. "Support the Troops, not the War!")
These are just a few selections that are either personally intresting to me or I found quite shocking:
"Whatever had been achieved or aimed for in the sixties was what this new revolution now had in it's sights, and was set to dismantle...
...in the end a war in Iraq suited a lot of people, who were happy to actively promote it, or at least approve of it or, if nothing else, not dissapprove... It suited the Evangelical Democrotizers, who thought that free-market capitalist democracy could be planted anywhere, anytime, and that things would certainly be better if they were...
...Iraq was invaded not becasue itw as dangerous, as we claimed, but becasue it was the LEAST threatening country in the region, and therefore the best place from which to begin conquest of the Middle East... as Ken Adelman predicted so confidently and so wrongly, it would be a "cakewalk" - over in a few weeks. The war wasn't over in a few weeks, and, in terms of any of it's originally stated goals, has so far been a shattering failure. If it was meant to improve the lives of the Iraqi people, it failed. if It was meant to stem the tide of terrorism, it failed. If it was menat to make the world safer for the rest of us, it failed. If it was intended to stabilize the price of oil, it failed. If it was meant be a "beacon of democracy" for the rest of the Arab world, it failed...
...For the truth is that...Bush and Blair seem quite indiffernt to actual democracy. It's a useful banner to fly above their ambitions - as though it's fine to destroy a country and several thousand of it's people if, at the end of it, you can paste the label "DEMOCRACY" over the mess you've left...
...America got what it wanted out of Iraq and Afghanistan... a way of justifying to a stupefied population an ever-increasing military budget and ever-decreasing personal freedoms...
...Without the UK, this war would appear as it really is: not "The West" against "Militant Islam," but the American superpower trying to conquer the Middle East...
...This war has so far cost AT LEAST 200 Billion dollars. By UN estimates, for that amount we could have provided clean water for the 2 billion people who don't have it - millions whom will die from waterborn diseases. We could also have eradicated malaria - the world's most lethal disease - from the planet. And we could have provided the retroviral drigs that the world's AIDS victems need to stay alive..."
Just something to think about...
9 years ago
...The Earth says hello!
Hey everyone! I am back this time, really back, i hope Well alot has happened. I had alot of shit with my family (that explains my MIA status) i just had things i needed to deal with... and didn't know how. But anyways, the low down:
I graduated highschool!
I worked at Newport Dunes as a lifeguard
I made Russian friends at work
I moved out of my moms house and into my dad's
I went to Venezuela again!
My mom got married
I broke up with my highschool boyfriend
I dated an ex boyfriend
I got a new business job
I dated a Russian guy
I lived in the Russian's apartment for two weeks
I moved to college...
I am now sitting in my awsome dorm room and loving the life. I will try and be on rvb more frequently... cuz its fun! I'm sorry for my abscence, please forgive me and love me still!
PS: totally forgot to mention, i'm attending California Lutheran University in Thousand Oaks, CA ......w00t
9 years ago
Hi. I haven;t been around in a while (internet not working). I also haven't written in my journal (my reall one) for quite a while (too much shit going on). But i wrote something today! i would like to share it, for whatever it's worth. Its crappy writing, but its a start back.
"I recently got sad from watching a friends video on their myspace (hah, how lame is that to begin.) Seasons of love, something we all wish we were a part of. Watching it mad me cry a lil, get chills, and of course sing. I dunno why I was crying, it?s a powerful song, maybe I was sad for them to leave each other, and maybe I was sad that I was never apart. That?s the problem with watching other people's videos, they're about them, and everyone wants to see themselves. They had a great bond and beautiful friendship, lovely personalities; they had a lot of fun. Maybe I'm just tying to justify it to myself (to make my self feel better), maybe I am bitter, or maybe it's calmingly and comfortingly true; my friends are just as great. We have our moments when we laugh to death and cry to death and love to death. I guess I should be thankful for what I have. I am, I'm just so dumb sometimes I forget it's there. (We'll thanks for reminding me today.) They cry about leaving high school, saying they've made the best friends of their lives, I don't want that. College is bigger and better, I don't want to be stuck living in high school any longer."
The truth is I DO have grat friends, the friends for all my life, but most of them have been her longer than highschool. Erin and Daniel are my best friends (lol,. and i wish i could live nest door to them when we're all older, how else will we live!) Ok so things are gonna change and get tough, erin's going up north to Humbolt, i'm going to Thousand Oaks, Danile and Chris are staying in Fullerton. I asked Erin once what we were gonna do without each other in college, she said "call each other everyday and cry oursleves to sleep" (haha, so there WILL be days when it happens, but it will be ok) As much as i don"t want to leave my friends, i know things are gonna be ok, i love my college and everyone tehre seems so awsome. I've already met my roomates and we're awsome friends already. there's alot to look forward to..... so everyone be happy!
9 years ago
Lol, ok so i'm finally here and writing again. Alot has happened in the tiem between i was here last and.. well here now. Small recaps are in order. I've been having problems with my family. No its not getting better, actually everything keeps getting worse, but my attitude is better, so i'm feeling pretty good now. I'm pretty definately sure i'm going to Cal Lutheran for college, its in Thousand Oaks, just thought i'd let you know. Erin made me a myspace (grrrrr) ok, erin AND alex did it, when i wasn't home (what jerks) so if you have one go friend me or something., my name right now is "Starshine" or look me up through my real name (Briana Pattillo). My Easter was really great, i spent all my time at chruch or with my youth group or in band practice for sunday morning ( my youth group puts on a sunrise service and i was singing and also doing a huge monolouge.) If i wasn't at church, i was cleaning my room, lol. Big news everyone!!! My play, Fiddler on the Roof is coming up in only two weeks!!! The show night are on the 27,27,29 of April, if anyone is interested.
Thats really all i have to say right now. Hopefully i'll be back soon. I haven't been on teh computer much because it distracts me from my hw and i am always so busy. I have currently given up my spring break for rehearsal everyday , but life goes on.
"Words betrayed her: beautiful butterflies in her mind; dead moths when she opened her mouth for their release into the world."
9 years ago
Wow, i realize i don't really talk abot myself and whats going on with me too much, but i don't really think thats a bad thing either, so. Since ALOT has been going on i should be telling people, i figured i should...tell people...now.
First, i got cast in our Senior Musical at school, YAYNESS!!! I've been working relaly hard at my voice lessons so i could do this and i'm really excited. The show we're doing is Fiddler on the Roof and it's gonna be awsomeness! While i am lucky enough to be in the mahor cast and not in the 50 person ensemble, i have a more minor part then i would have liked. Rather than being one of the3 older daughters i'm one of the two younger daughters they dont really do anything, but still, it is a really big deal and awsome, and it will all work out.
Ummmm for Christmas I got a dremel!!!! LOL ok and i also got my THE WHO'S TOMMY PINBALL MACHINE!!!!! YAY!!! i would tak epictures but its not pluged in right now because of the construction on my house (we're adding a game room, i have oarty house!) I also got wing-tipped heels! yay! And other stuffs as well.
Speaking of parties, i had another one, and i'll be having yet another in two weeks. we had a New year's party, and it was pretty cool. We played halo again and ate and had a good time, but people had to leave early and that sucked, but all in all it was good.
Ok, so why i will be having another party in two weeks.... cuz its my birthday!!!!! Ok, so my birthday is actually on the 21st but i'm busy doing other stuff that day so i'm having the party the next week, plus we have finals coming up and need our sleep and studying time. And yes, i will finally be 18, finally be legal. It has its good and its bad points, ehh, i'm really not too thrilled. i was planning on snowbaording on my birthday and then going to see my first showing of the Rocky Horror Picture Show, but i don't think the snowbaording is going to work out, so i'll probably spend the day with my bf....then go see Rocky Horror! i am so excited!!!!
Speaking of snowboarding, i spent this past holiday weekend in Mammoth. WooWhoo! The snow was awsome, freash fresh powder, and the mountain is so big, and it was alot of fun. definately want to go back there.
And Finals. i would just like everyone to know, whether they care or not, that i am a prick with good grades....up until this semester. I normally am a 4.0 student, yes you may scoff at me, and this semester is the worst of my high school career. I am very desperately trying to bring up my grades to make it through the finals and semester passing all my classes so i don't hav eto go to summer school. i have to work on mu AP Gov and Math grades, i'm worried but i think i'll be able to do it, but i have alot of hw and even more stress. I have anxiety problems!!!! Ahhhhhhhh!!!!
Tomorrow the people are putting new ceiling in our house..?...whatever, and so we can't be in our house till the afternoon on the next day...so we're gonna go live at disneyland!!!! Lol, no, but really, we're gonna stay at the Grnad Californian! Its gonna be sweet, i'm really excited, but i'm also REALLY worried about getting all my hw done for the week, since tomorrow's gonna be like party day. I have 7 assignments for my sketch book due on friday for art and two major projects which i'm only half way done with one...*sigh* "sic vita"
....Just in case anyone would like to know, for my birthday i would like a pony. LOL, jk. But really, what i would like, i mean seriously here is "Batman, in a box, with a bow on top."
9 years ago
Leave your name and I will try to....
1. respond with something random about you.
2. tell you what song/movie reminds me of you.
3. pick a flavor of jello to wrestle with you in.
4. say something that only makes sense to you and me.
5. tell you my first/clearest memory of you.
6. tell you what animal you remind me of.
7. ask you something that I've always wondered about you.
8. If I do this for you, you must post this on your journal. You MUST. I will hunt you down if you don't.
A good friend would bail you out of jail... Your Best friend would be the one sitting next to you saying, "That was friggin awesome!!!"
"I believe in Love" - Hair
"Gather your wits and hold on fast, your mind must learn to roam..."
- The Who's Tommy
"My very life is art, and my every breath is Love.. When i speak, it is poetry" - Bri
"The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to Love and be Loved in return."
"La Vie Boheme!!!"