WHAT NOT TO SAY TO A POLICE OFFICER!
1) I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)
2) Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3) Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4) Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5) Are You Andy or Barney?
6) I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer
7) You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8) I pay your salary!
9) Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10) Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11) I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12) When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"
13) What? You need a license to drive?
14) Wow, no wonder your wife sleeps around, with your breath!
15) Is your power a penis substitute?
16) Yes, I know my driving is not 100%, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk
17) Can you come back in 5 minutes? I'm in the middle of a telephone conversation.
18) Oops...I thought you were a prostitute.
19) Do I have any fruits or vegetables? I don't know. Is cocaine a fruit or vegetable?
20) A hundred dollar fine? Well, I think George Washington can change your mind
21) Did you pull me over because of the drugs under the seat, the body in the trunk, or the burned out tail-light?
22) Whoops, that's the fake one... here ya go, this is the one.
23) Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence
24) Is it true that guys become cops because they can't work at McDonald's ?
25) Thanks Officer, that last cop only gave me a warning, too
26) My gun fell off my lap and got lodged on the gas pedal
27) Hey, is that a 9mm ? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum!
28) Do you have any idea how much of a hurry I'm in?
29) You're lucky this car needs a tune-up or you'd have never caught me
30) In California we drive like that all the time, what's the problem?
31) If you'd try the stuff I just had, you wouldn't be so damn uptight
32) Aren't there real crooks somewhere you should be catching?
33) Well, those two other guys didn't stop for that school bus either
34) Yes, I saw your lights on, but I thought you going to get a doughnut
35) Just had to try out that new siren, didn't you?
36) Do you have any idea who you're talking to?
37) There's no way I was going 85. I had the cruise set at 80.
38) What's wrong, Ossifer? I swear to drunk I'm not God! And really, there is no blood in my alchohol
39) That uniform makes your ass look really big.
40) You don't happen to have any beer in your car?
41) I was going to be cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
42) So what if I was speeding? Whatcha gonna do about it Mr. Hotshot?
43) I'm not as think as you stoned I am.
44) Officer: "Do you know how fast you were going"
Driver "No I'm too stoned to remember"
Thanks to Simon for the two points above!
45) Its tobacco, honest
46) Hey, i bet i can grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket!
47) Officer: Sir, have you been drinking?
>Driver: No, I haven't had any cunts tonight drinkstable.
11 years agoeggward
WHAT NOT TO SAY TO A POLICE OFFICER!
11 years agoeggward
Fun things do during an exam!
1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.
2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!" (change the name as you please)
3. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.
4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the teacher's left nostril.
5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm SOOO sure you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.
6. Bring cheerleaders.
7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the hell are you? Where's the regular guy?"
8. Bring a Game Boy. Play with the volume at max level.
9. On the answer sheet find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.
10. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off.
11. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.
12. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.
13. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.
14. Come down with a BAD case of Turet's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.
15. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.
16. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.
17. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it!
18. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.
19. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.
Whatever exam you're doing- Good luck everyone!!!!!
12 years agoeggward
1 - Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2 - If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
3 - There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4 - People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5 - You should not confuse your career with your life.
6 - Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
7 - Never lick a steak knife.
8 - The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
9 - You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
10 - You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
11 - There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
12 - The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
13 - A person who is nice to you but rude to a waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
14 - Your friends love you anyway.
15 - Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
16 - Thought for the day: Men are like fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to the women to stomp the c*** (not the best) out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
17 - A husband will never get the last word in an argument, due to the fact that anything he says is actually the start of an entirely new argument!
18 - Phrases to live by "Please, Thank you, and YES DEAR!"
19 - I believe in equality and women's lib......but instead of changing postman to post person, how about tackling........menstruation, mental illness, menopause, etc......it seems to me that we are picking only the nice ones to change!
12 years agoeggward
St. Timmy comin' down I think he's really gay
Up on the boulevard like he thinks he knows the way
To get to the city
Really is a pity
When he realises he's really lost now
My name is Timmy and you better not shout it out
To all the old people they think that you're a lout
King of all the rebels
Didn't mean to represent
That you're the big retard of the establishment
I'm the biggest queer of the denial
With a crappy face and no taste for suicidal
Pills and random items in a little bag to sell
I am a son in a ditch and that is where I dwell
Race to the city in the hail of light
But little Timmy's hand is a really shitty sight
I'm the biggest queer of the denial
With a crappy face and no taste for suicidal
You talking to me?
I'll give you something to laugh about
My name is Saint Timmy I'm the son of my mum
I'm the one that's retarded like you all now
A teenager teacher makes the sewing so fun
And the love of the psycho crowd now
I really hate to eat it but I told you so
So shut your mouth before I shove it down young lad
Welcome to the club of healthy meals
And the resident streaker of the football game
It's comedy and smells of wee
It's St. Timmy
He's wet his pants
And don't spread it round
12 years agoeggward
i thought you might find this funny:
Why men are happier then woman
1. We keep our last name.
2. The garage is all ours.
3. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
4. Chocolate is just another snack.
5. We can be president.
6. We can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
7. Car mechanics tell us the truth.
8. The world is our urinal.
9. We never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.
10. Same work, more pay.
11. Wrinkles add character.
12. Wedding dress - $5000; tux rental - $100.
13. People never stare at our chest when we're talking to them.
14. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
15. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle our feet.
16. One mood, ALL the time.
17. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
18. We know stuff about tanks.
19. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
20. We can open all our own jars.
21. We get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
22. If someone forgets to invite us, he or she can still be our friend.
23. Our underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
24. Everything on our face stays its original color.
25. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
26. We don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
27. We almost never have strap problems in public
28. We are unable to see wrinkles in our clothes.
29. The same hair style lasts for years, maybe decades.
30. We don't have to shave below our neck.
31. Our belly usually hides our big hips.
32. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
33. We can "do" our nails with a pocket-knife.
34. We have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
35. We can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24, in 45 minutes.
12 years agoeggward
1)Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
2) Shake the person's hand when he/she enter the lift.
3) Congratulate all for being in the same lift with you.
4) Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.
5) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, all of you just shut UP!".
6) Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
7) Sell Girl Scout cookies.
8) On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
10) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
11) Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
12) Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off
13) When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
14) Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
15) Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
16) One word: Flatulence!
17) On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
18) Do Tai Chi exercises.
19) Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
20) When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, motion sickness!"
21) Give religious tracts to each passenger.
22) Meow occasionally.
23) Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
24) Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"
25) Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
26) Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.
27) Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
28) Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
29) Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
30) Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"
31) Leave a box between the doors.
32) Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
33) Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
34) Start a sing-along.
35) When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"
36) Play the harmonica.
37) Say "Ding!" at each floor.
38) Lean against the button panel.
39) Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
40) Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
41) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
42) Bring a chair along.
43) Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
44) Blow spit bubbles.
45) Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
46) Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
47) Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
48) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
49) Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
50) Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."
51) Announce to the person stood next to you "I really need the toilet. Can I use your bag?"
52) Ask the other passengers "Wouldn't be great if this lift were to plumment to the floor, what do you think will happen?"
53) Petend to get your leg stuck in the door as it closes
53) Without letting anyone see, press the emergency stop button. Act surprised and start talking to yourself "its ok, it wasnt your fault you killed your family. It was SATAN, damm you SATAN! DAMN YOU!!!" Then press the stop button again and act as if nothing has happened.
54) Scratch yourself excessively saying "fucking headlice. They're all over me. I knew I shouldn't have played with that dog so much"
55) Set out a pinic set on the floor and suggest to the other passengers to join you in afternoon tea
56) Break wind and blame it on the person next to you
57) Pretend your are a repair man here to fix the lift. Wait untill its busy and tell everyone to get out of the lift. You get in, get your paper out and sit and relax
58) Start to talk about your sexlife. Tell them that all of your three children were concived in this very lift. And point and say "it was up against that wall"
59) Have sex with your imaginary friend
60) Say you have just won the lottery and you are on your way to collect your winnings. See how many people are listening to you
61) As the lift descends, shout "Bombs away!"
62) Offer to polish their shoes. When they say no, tell them you need the money to feed your ten starving children back home in Estonia
63) Hand out leaflets - "what to do when the lift cable breaks. The ten tips that will keep your body in one pice (although these tips will not save your life, it will make the rescue a bit cleaner, and we wont have to spend ages cleaning the blood of the walls) Hope you will live to do it again!"
64) Perform a striptease
65) Act surprised when it starts to move and say "THE GROUND IS FALLING!"
66) Fake an orgasam when the lift starts to move. Announce that it was your best ever
67) Let your mobile phone ring - don't anwser it.
68) Walk in to the lift with a clear bottle of apple juice. Start drinking and say "ah, theres nothing like your own urine to quench your first. Does anyone want some?"
69) Say "this new g-sring is really starting to hurt." Then attempt to adjust it.
70) Walk into the lift and say "this reminds me of being burried alive. Ah those were the days"
71) Suggest to the other passengers that you all should play a game of twister. Then get out the board and lie it on the floor
12 years agoeggward
1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.
2. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.
3. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.
4. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.
5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!
6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa."
7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.
8. Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.
9. While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.
10. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy. :)" Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa. :("
11. Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."
12. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.
13. While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.
14. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.
15. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.
16. Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.
17. Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.
18. Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue.
19. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.
20. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighbourhood ain't big enough for the both of us."
12 years agoeggward
How to Annoy Trick or Treaters!
1. Give away something other than candy. (Toothpicks, golf balls, bags of sand, etc.)
2. Wait behind the door until some people come. When they get near the door, jump out, wearing a costume, and holding a bag, and yell, "Trick or Treat!" Look at them, scratch your head, and act confused.
3. Fill a briefcase with marbles and crackers. Write on it, "Top Secret" in big letters. When trick-or-treaters come, look around suspiciously, say, "It's about time you got here," give them the briefcase, and quickly shut the door.
4. Get about 30 people to wait in your living room. When trick-or-treaters come to the door, say, "Come in." When they do, have everyone yell, "Surprise!" Act like it's a surprise party.
5. Get everyone who comes to the door to come in and see if they can figure out what's wrong with your dishwasher. Insist that it makes an unnatural "whirring" sound.
6. After you give them candy, hand the trick-or-treaters a bill.
7. Open the door dressed as a giant fish. Immediately collapse, and don't move or say anything until the trick-or-treaters go away.
8. When you answer the door, hold up one candy bar, throw it out into the street, and yell, "Crawl for it!"
9. When you answer the door, look at the trick-or-treaters, act shocked and scared, and start screaming your head off. Slam the door and run around the house, screaming until they go away.
10. Insist that the trick-or-treaters each do ten push-ups before you give them any candy.
11. Hand out menus to the trick-or-treaters and let them order their candy. Keep asking if anyone wants to see the wine list.
12. Get a catapult. Sit on your porch and catapult pumpkins at anyone who comes within 50 yards of your house.
13. When people come to the door, jump out a nearby window, crashing through the glass, and run as far away from your house as you can.
14. Answer the door dressed as a pilgrim. Stare at the trick-or-treaters for a moment, pretend to be confused, and start flipping through a calendar.
15. Instead of candy, give away coloured eggs. If anyone protests, explain that the eggs are the only thing you had left over from Easter.
16. Answer the door dressed as a dentist. Angrily give the trick-or-treaters a two-hour lecture on tooth decay.
17. Answer the door with a mouthful of M & M's and several half-eaten candy bars in your hands. Act surprised, and close the door. Open it again in a few seconds, and insist that you don't have any candy.
18. Hand out cigarettes and bottles of aspirin.
19. Put a crown on a pumpkin and put the pumpkin on a throne on your porch. Insist that all of the trick-or-treaters bow before The Pumpkin.
20. Dress up like a bunny rabbit. Yell and curse from the moment you open the door, and angrily throw the candy at the trick-or-treaters. Slam the door when you're finished.
21. Wait for the knock and wait for a few minutes, then make a loud thumping noise and run to the door, opening it slowly with some coffee in your hand; shaking prefusely. Interupt their "trick or treat" with loud swearing and grabbing of the head.
22. Shout I'm coming, I'm coming, trip over and headbutt the door. Scream "fuck" and open the door, collapsing.
23. When you answer the door stand in a Christmas decorated room with Christmas hat and mistletoe above the doorway. Give out wrapped up candy then eye the mistletoe and grin mischeiviously.
24. Unscrew your door from its latches and wait for some Trick or Treaters to come up the drive. Fall onto it crashing infront of them, yelling and threatening someone inside. Promptly running back in screaming.
25. Erect a bench in your front garden and print tickets. When Trick or Treaters come hand them a ticket with a 3 digit number on it and direct them to wait at the bench until they're number is called. + After a few minutes call out "NUMBER ONE! NUMBER ONE!"
v26. Just before some kids arrive have a man run out with a sack full of objects yelling "I'm bleedin' nickin' it arn' I!" If the kids decide to continue on have someone else tell them sadly that the candy is all gone now and walk back into the house fighting back tears.
27.Set up a table right infront of your door and leave it open, when the kids come to it and push it open be wearing a dealers hat and hand out cards, with some candy on the table as chips "Wata ya got?" + Alternitively have 3 cups on the table and put some candy under one, proceeding to do the old shuffle-me-do. If they win tip the table up and run upstairs.
28. You walk up behind them with a corwbar or summin and just nudge past them, shimmy open the door and walk in closing it behind you, later to return climbing out the window with something of value. Half way down the ladder tell them casually "He ain't in. nah its ok mate, i used to live er'"
29. 'THE NINJA' Simply answer the door and when they ask, throw a smoke capsule to the floor and laugh. When it clears still be standing there and slowly close the door, eyes wide open in surprise.
30. Once again leave the door ajar, when the kids push it open reenact 'Reservoir Dogs'. Have a man on the floor cowering, his gun pointed at another man aiming his at him, both shaking. Hold the pose til the kids back away.
31. Ajar again. Kids come in to see you on rocking chair with shotgun. "Yurp...kids came earlier askin the same thin....know what i did?....thats right, shot em dead" Lean closer to them, pointing to the next room and whisper sinisterly "...Bodies in ther..."
32. Or as there com in to the door you bust out with your shirt ripped shouting "I MADE IT OUT, FUCKING CRAZY IN THERE, BLOOD ASS AND GUTS EVERYWHERE." Hold up your fist with candy lodged inside. "I GOT SOME!" Run away screaming insanely.
2018 years agoeggward
2018 years agoeggward
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