I'm not dead. Shocker, I know.
So lets get into a quick(ish) journal, something that has been on my mind for a while now.
Some of you have known me for a long time. Some may be new. (with the new site design who the hell knows if anyone reads theses damn journals anymore.)
As my closer fiends know, those of whom I see in real life (or meat space, for those of you who are fucking internet savvy dicks) or those who have me on the facebooks (Charlie Lawton for anyone who doesn't) I am busy.
I am always busy., I don't stop, I don't rest, I force myself to keep going. I drive myself to the point of exhaustion. Why?
Fucked if I know. It's all I can do. I figure I wasted to much of my life before, so I need to catch up. But honestly I have no idea why I do this to myself. I've lost friends, relationships, and my own sanity to my life style. But I have to. I get damn near suicidally(hyperbole) depressed if I feel like I'm not making a difference, if I feel like I'm not working on something important.
So on I go.
Why am I still posting on, being a moderator, wait, being an Goddamn ADMIN on, (yeah still no clue how that happened)... Why am I still posting a journal on, talking to, and PUTTING ON AN EVENT for this site??
Well, I'll tell you.
The reason I keep coming back to this site, the reason I helped start RTO, the reason I'm helping run (with an amazing crew of super awesome folks) Toronto: Unconventional is that this stupid little site means the world to me.
I... Really cannot express how much this damn site has meant to me. I grew up on here. I met some of my closest friends here. I met the man who wrote my first film (Deadline, coming to film festivals soon!... I hope) I've met friends, family, a girlfriend (long story), colleagues, and people I've hung out with, all on this site. It got me though tough parts. It built me up when i needed it and gave me a laugh when I was down.
I care the world for it. and always will, no matter what. This little corner of the internet will own part of my heart, even if I never post here again. (I will though, don't worry)
If me being here, and being friends with someone else, helps them even a fraction as much as it helped me, then spending some time here is worth it.
If putting on To:UnCon helps someone half as much as RvBTO helped me, it`s worth all the time in the world.
Basically, if I can do anything for anyone even a bit as much as this site did for me, I'll spend all my time here.
I don`t really believable in karma, god, faith or anything of that like, but I do believe in people. In humans, in us. If I can help someone, maybe, they will do the same to someone else, and so on and so on. This world is kind of crappy most of this time. I want to do my part to make it a bit better.
I'm not smart enough to be a scientist to invent cold fusion, or have the know how to be a politician to fix the worlds problems, or even have the strength to join a charity and actually help out and do good, but what I can do... I can post on the fucking internet and be there for some other folks, and maybe that helps a little. I hope it does at least. Because it did for me. So maybe all I can do is pass that on, so someone else helps another person who actually does go on to do something worth while.
I can hope at least.
Merry Christmas everyone. I love you ALL. I really cannot stress that enough.