6 years ago
Wow, go figure the Arizona Cardinals are going to the super bowl. Between the NFL stepping in to help with the team last year and the new coach, this team which has always been loaded with talent is going where no cardinal player has gone before, that's right. Tampa Florida for the biggest football game of the year. Arizonans are so proud of them. GO CARDINALS!!!
6 years ago
Why Females Should Avoid A Girls Night Out After They Are Married....
If This Does Not Make You Laugh Out Loud, You Have Lost Your Sense Of Humor.
The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.' I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!' Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed.. 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos =MIDNIGHT!)
T he next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him ' MIDNIGHT'... He didn't seem pissed off in the least.. Whew, I got away with that one!
Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.' When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh shit.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.
9 years ago
A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits Mexico.
Two million Mexicans have died and over a million are injured.
The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with asking for help to rebuild.
The rest of the world is in shock.
Canada is sending troopers to help the Mexican army control the riots.
Saudi Arabia is sending oil.
Other Latin American countries are sending supplies.
The European community (except France) is sending food and money.
The United States, not to be outdone, is sending ten million replacement Mexicans.
God Bless America!
9 years ago
If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's on First?" might have turned out something like this:
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
COSTELLO: For my office?
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START"............
9 years ago
DA VINCI CODE
Written across the wall of the cave were the following symbols:
It was considered a unique find and the writings were said to be at least three thousand years old!
The piece of stone was removed, brought to the museum, and archaeologists from around the world came to study the ancient symbols. They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings.
The President of the society pointed to the first drawing and said: "This is a woman. We can see these people held women in high esteem. You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol is a donkey, so they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil. The next drawing is a shovel, which means they had tools to help them."
Even further proof of their high intell igence is the fish which means that if a famine hit the earth and food didn't grow, they seek food from the sea. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews.
The audience applauded enthusiastically.
Then a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said, "Idiots, Hebrew is read from right to left......
It says: 'Holy Mackerel, Dig The Ass On That Chick!
9 years ago
Just for chuckles.
MY NEW NAME IS DINKY CHICKENHINEY .....DON'T LAUGH UNTIL YOU FIND OUT WHAT YOUR NEW NAME IS......
We all need a little stress-reliever! This only takes a minute. Please don't be a bore and ruin it. Sometimes when you have a stressful day or week, you need some silliness to break up the day. And, if we are honest, we have a lot more stressful days than not. Here is your dose of humor...
The following is excerpted from a children's book, Captain Underpants and the Perilous Plot Professor Poopypants, by Dave lilkey, in which the evil Professor forces everyone to assume new names...
ONCE FINISHED POST YOUR NEW NAME IN THE COMMENTS!
1. Use the third letter of your first name to determine your new first name:
>>a = snickle
>>b = doombah
>>c = goober
>>d = cheesey
>>e = crusty
>>f = greasy
>>g = dumbo
>>h = farcus
>>i = dorky
>>j = doofus
>>k = funky
>>l = boobie
>>m = sleezy
>>n = sloopy
>>o = fluffy
>>p = stinky
>>q = slimy
>>r = dorfus
>>s = snooty
>>t = tootsie
>>u = dipsy
>>v = sneezy
>>w = liver
>>x = skippy
>>y = dinky
>>z = zippy
>>2. Use the second letter of your last name to determine the first half of your new last name:
>>a = dippin
>>b = feather
>>c = batty
>>d = burger
>>e = chicken
>>f = barffy
>>g = lizard
>>h = waffle
>>i = farkle
>>j = monkey
>>k = flippin
>>l = fricken
>>m = bubble
>>n = rhino
>>o = potty
>>p = hamster
>>q = buckle
>>r = gizzards
>>s = lickin
>>t = snickle
>>u = chuckle
>>v = pickle
>>w = hubble
>>x = dingle
>>y = gorilla
>>z = girdle
>>3. Use the third letter of your last name to determine the second half of your new last name:
>>a = butt
>>b = boob
>>c = face
>>d = nose
>>e = hump
>>f = breath
>>g = pants
>>h = shorts
>>i = lips
>>j = honker
>>k = head
>>l = tush
>>m = chunks
>>n = dunkin
>>o = brains
>>p = biscuits
>>q = toes
>>r = doodle
>>s = fanny
>>t = sniffer
>>u = sprinkles
>>v = frack
>>w = squirt
>>x = humperdinck
>>y = hiney
>>z = juice
Thus, for example, George W. Bush's new name is: Fluffy Chucklefanny.
And remember that children laugh an average of 146 times a day; adults laugh an average of 4 times a day. Put more laughter in your day.
9 years ago
I'm about to plan a little trip with my family and extended family, and I would like to ask you to assist me. I'm going to walk across the border from the U.S. into Mexico, and I need to make a few arrangements. I know you can help with this.
I plan to skip all the legal stuff like visas, passports, immigration quotas and laws. I'm sure ty handle those things the same way you do here.
So, would you mind telling your buddy, President Vicente Fox, that I'm on my way over? Please let him know that I will be expecting the following:
1. Free medical care for my entire family.
2. English-speaking government bureaucrats for all services I might need, whether I use them or not.
3. All government forms need to be printed in English.
4. I want my kids to be taught by English-speaking teachers.
5. Schools need to include classes on American culture and history.
6. I want my kids to see the American flag flying on the top of the flag pole at their school with the Mexican flag flying lower down.
7. Please plan to feed my kids at school for both breakfast and lunch.
8. I will need a local Mexican driver's license so I can get easy access to government services.
9. I do not plan to have any car insurance, and I won't make any effort to learn local traffic laws.
10. In case one of the Mexican police officers does not get the memo from Pres. Fox to leave me alone, please be sure that all police officers speak English.
11. I plan to fly the U.S. flag from my house top, put flag decals on my car, and have a gigantic celebration on July 4th. I do not want any complaints or negative comments from the locals.
12. I would also like to have a nice job without paying any taxes, and don't enforce any labor laws or tax laws.
13. Please tell all the people in the country to be extremely nice and never say a critical word about me, or about the strain I might place on the economy.
I know this is an easy request because you already do all these things for all the people who come to the U.S. from Mexico. I am sure that Pres. Fox won't mind returning the favor if you ask him nicely.
However, if he gives you any trouble, just invite him to go quail hunting with your V.P.
Thank you so much for your kind help.
9 years ago
BROKE BACK BAR
A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in; he realizes it's a gay bar.
What the heck," he says to himself, "I really want a drink."
When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, " What's the name of your willy?"
The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."
The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your Willy. Mine for instance is called NIKE, for the slogan 'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his SNICKERS, because 'It really satisfies.' The cowboy looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over.
So the cowboy asks the ma n sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?" The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX.." The thirsty cowboy asks,"Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, " 'Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!" A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fella's on his right, who happen to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you guys call yours?" The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because 'Quality is Job One'." Then he adds, "Have you Driven a Ford lately?" The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY..... 'Like a Rock!'" And gives a wink!
Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood.. . Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims,"The name of my willy is SECRET. Now give me a beer."
The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why Secret?" The cowboy says, "Because it's' STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!
9 years ago
A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for Sunday dinner.
This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!Ã¢â‚¬Â The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer rrrrrip. The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!Ã¢â‚¬Â Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!" A few minutes later the woman had to let another rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let a fart rip that rivaled a train whistle blowing. Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Dammit Skippy, get away from her, before she shits all over you!"
PLEASE NO RANDOM FRIEND REQUESTS!
I have a simple philosophy, fill what's empty, empty what's full and scratch where it itches!