2 years agojadahutt
7 years agojadahutt
A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made
a mess." "And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher.
Next little Lucy raised a hand and said, "Our family are farmers, too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks and the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched." "That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, ma'am! My daddy told me this story about my Aunt Marge. She was a flight engineer during Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a Machete. So .. she drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break. Then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed 70 of them with the machine gun until it ran out of bullets! Then she killed 20 more with the machete till the blade broke; then she killed the last 10 with her bare hands." "Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?" "Stay away from Aunt Marge when she's been drinking."
8 years agojadahutt
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
8 years agojadahutt
Morris an 80 year old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how heÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s feeling.
"IÃ¢â‚¬â„¢ve never been better," he replies. "IÃ¢â‚¬â„¢ve got a twenty two year old bride whoÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s pregnant with my child! . . .What do you think about that?"
The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy whoÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But, one day heÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So heÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s walking in the woods near a creek and suddenly spots a beaver in some bush in front of him. He raises up his umbrella, points it at the beaver and squeezes the handle...
*BAM* The beaver drops dead in front of him."
"ThatÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s impossible!" said the old man in disbelief, "Someone else must have shot that beaver."
8 years agojadahutt
A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault.
She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!"
"I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies.
So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples.
The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!"
She looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???"
"DO IT!" So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."
9 years agojadahutt
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
5. Always remember that you're unique, just like everyone else.
6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes
9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment.
12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
13.Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.
14.Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
18.There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
9 years agojadahutt
AQUARIUS: Jan 19-Feb 18: You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make stupid mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a fucking jerk.
PISCES: Feb 19-Mar 20: You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have a minor influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are a general dipshit.
ARIES: Mar 21-Apr 19: You are the pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. You are quick to reprimand, impatient and scornful of advice. You do nothing but piss off everyone you come in contact with. You are a prick.
TAURUS: Apr. 20-May 20: You are practical and persistent. You have dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bull-headed. You are nothing but a goddamned communist.
GEMINI: May 21-June 21: You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. GeminiÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s are notorious for thriving on incest.
CANCER: June 22-July 22: You are sympathetic and understanding to other peoples problems, which makes you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and wonÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t be worth shit. Everybody in prison is a Cancer.
LEO: July 23-Aug 22: You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are an idiot. Most LeoÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s are bullies. You are vane and cannot tolerate honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving motherfuckers and enjoy masturbation more than sex.
VIRGO: Aug 23-Sept 22: You are the logical type and hate disorder. Your shit-picking attitude is sickening to your friends and coworkers. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while fucking. VirgoÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s make good bus drivers and pimps.
LIBRA: Sept 23-Oct 23: You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If you are male you are probably queer. Chances for employment and monetary gain are nil. Most Libra women are whores. All LibraÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s die of venereal disease.
SCORPIO: Oct 24-Nov 21: The worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are a perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most ScorpioÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s are murdered.
SAGITTARIUS: Nov 22-Dec 21: You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarius are drunks. Nixon was a Sagittarian. You are a worthless piece of shit.
CAPRICORN: Dec 22-Jan 19: You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically a chickenshit. There never has been a Capricorn of any importance. You should kill yours
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