But its getting pretty rough trying to stay light hearted.
Went to a skating rink with some people I hang out with in a group, and the theme was bringing back the 70's, so I did what any self-respecting 33 year-old engineer would do...I dressed up like a 70's dork in a predominantly minority filled skating rink (just so you have context in your head of a very visible white-looking dude with short-shorts, sunglasses indoors, over sized headphones, and those strap thingies)
While I had a fun time being a total dork and trying to dance like John Travolta to the beats of the BeeGees while trying not to fall on my ass, I noticed something after one of the people in the group said this to me.
"I love you're energy. You're so full of it and so positive"
And the first thing that popped in my head that I was going to say was, "Its usually the funny and spirited people that have the deepest of wounds". But I stopped myself before I became a party pooper. So all I said was, "Thank you" and spent the rest of the day just out of it.
The past week or so I've been just in deep reflection. How the last three years were just a never-ending trainwreck of a nightmare after nightmare after nightmare. How the past 7 years were just a god damn waste of unbelievable time, energy, and money at the cost of mine and my family's honor. How after 15 years really only one person still has such a powerful grasp of my heart. Even after making peace...even after all forgiveness have been made...I'm still haunted by her to this day.
I tried talking about it out of RT. Family have the Emotional Quotient equivalent to that of a block of ice. A few times i tried to talk to them about it, but I might as well have spoken to a wall.
I tried to speak to a therapist about it during some really rough times, but all that resulted in was a very light wallet and different variations of either "how did that make you feel?" or "what do you think that means?". Sure, doc, great job there!
Even gave those self-help things a shot too. Read a few books and did their exercises. At first I thought that those things are stupid and full of wishful thinking. Now I know they're garbage and are nothing but about wishful thinking.
I even tried to speak to the one person who was supposed to be the closest person to me and my partner. One that even encouraged me to talk to her, only to find that the only thing that interested her was dirt on me...on my family...on people I knew...and used all of that along with my trust against me. The scars that ensued from that are deep and long and not sure how I will deal with that.
So I guess I'm writing here because I know what its like to to bottle things inside without an outlet. By no means can I ever talk about some of my deepest secrets and shames, but I know this is a great community and a helpful one at that.
I honestly don't know where to go from here. Life has its ups and down, I know. Wounds heal after time, sure. There are people who are literally dying every day and go through unbelievable horrors...horrors which I can't even begin to fathom. I know that. I know all that. I tried to be as self reflecting and mentally aware of what's going on with me, but all of that just resulted to nothing.
All I can do right now is be thankful and remind myself what I have and to be thankful for that. Figure things out little by little as time passes. Try to rebuild trust once more and not close my heart off to the world and just be good and do good.
:::chuckle:::: This journal was going to start out about holding a demonstration for Aleppo in Houston, but turned out to an emotional fluff. great -_-
Thanks anyways for taking the time to read this though. Hope it wasn't a waste of time for you.