Hey everybody! Long time no see. It's been a while since I last posted. I'm sorry it has to be this kind of post. I just need to kinda yell to the wind semi-anonymously. The beginning of the summer started so well, but it taken a huge downturn and it has been taking every ounce of my soul and energy to keep from down-spiraling back down into depression.
This journal is about cheating and heart break.
When I was young, I was a hopeless romantic. I always dreamed of being in a relationship with someone I legitimately cared about. That's right. DREAMED about it. I grew up with parents that married young, stayed together through thick and thin, and supported each other regardless of what happened. They honestly were my role models on how relationships should ideally work. They even taught me several important lessons about being in a relationship. One of them was to NEVER CHEAT and always BE SUPPORTIVE. They discussed that cheating was a horrible and inexcusable act in an exclusive, monogamous relationship and how much emotional/physical/spiritual damage it can inflict on your partner. Because of this lesson, I vowed to never cheat on a significant other as long as I lived.
Fast forwarding to today, I still have never cheated on any of my previous girlfriends. The thought of the act still sickens me. But I have been cheated on in all of my major relationships. It really sucks. There's a saying that lightning never strikes twice in the same spot and I thought it would translate to being cheated on, but I was incredibly wrong. It has been happening again and again. I used to just brush it off after a few months and move on without ever thinking twice that I did anything to cause it on my end. I thought this because my ex's have always been apologetic and told me that I did nothing to make them want to cheat and I was the nicest boyfriend they ever had. After this last one, I have begun to second guess myself on how I engage in relationships.
The most recent incident occurred during RTX this year. This time, the cheating never got sexual in nature, but it hit me the hardest. The problem was that this partner was a trusted friend who cheated on me with one of my closest friends. We had a huge fight in our AirBnB. It got so bad that I almost had to call my PA Leads to have someone else take over my duties for Miles. I was a complete wreck to the point that I was trying to drink myself into a stupor, which is super rare for me since I almost never drink. I was betrayed by not just one, but two of my closest friends in life and in the RT Community. And once again, the phrase came back: You were the nicest boyfriend I ever had. But this time it was added with, "...you were perfect and I don't deserve you."
This struck an odd cord with me. It got me thinking inward about myself and whether I am doing everything right. If I am doing everything right, then why does this keep happening to me? Is my enthusiasm and eagerness to be a supportive boyfriend scaring my partners off? Should I dial it back and remain somewhat ambivalent to the idea? My gut still says no and that there is someone out there who will appreciate it, but I'm still not sure. It's honestly tearing me up inside. To make matters worse, my ex is now moving on happily with the guy she cheated on me with.
Now, I have just one thing going on in my head. If I did nothing wrong, then why do I feel like complete shit while the person who was horrible to me is not looking back. Maybe she does feel bad still and is trying to cover it up? I just don't know and it's killing me. Even if she told me that she still feels horrible about it, I still don't think I would believe her because the one thing that crosses my mind is this: if you still feel horrible, then why did you purposefully hurt me in the first place and why are you still with the Other Guy throwing it in my face.
I don't know...maybe I think too much and I just need to put my mind to other things to avoid it from surfacing. I need to get over this quickly before I start dating other people, so I don't let it affect future relationships. Nothing's worse than letting old baggage weigh you down in your current relationship. Your current partner shouldn't have to play second fiddle to the ghost of your previous relationships.
If you're still reading this, I thank you for staying with my ramblings. It's the current state I am in and I'm trying to get over it. I'm hoping that yelling into the metaphorical wind like this will help me get over my frustrations.
<3 you guys,