Forums > Red vs. Blue

Alison and Leonard

Posts (9)

  • agroneman21


    #14939933 - 7 years ago

    I looked for some kind of fan story topic but I couldn't find one :( I hope this is okay but I just had to get this out. I had this crazy dream and had to put it down in writing ^_^ I hope you enjoy. This is my first post ever.

    Sarcasm & Bullets

    In the Beginning….

    What does is mean to be a hero? To be a soldier? Am I willing to die for someone I have never met, trillions of light years away, on a planet that my memories of grow dimmer every second. Nothing of my training or any second I had spent in this army up until this point motivates me to move forward. But to save her… to save her I would cross the stars, the galaxies, move planets and navigate the universe.

    How do I get to a woman kneeling in front me though? The length from here to my knees seems an eternity. Her radiant red hair cascades down her naked back, the armor was suffocating with the fever. Those once incandescent deep blue eyes are murky with pain and blood shot. The sickness behind them make her almost unrecognizable. Her frame had always been thick and athletic, now the girl in front of me is far slighter than the woman I held in my arms days ago.


    And with one hoarse, chocked whisper this distance closes and I’ve fallen to my knees, the world shattering around me. Her voice…so commanding and strong, yet I know the soft sensuousness it could hold. I’ve seen the walls she holds up so high and so fortified let me in, a door only I have found in her defenses, a door I have cherished.

    But to see those walls ripped apart and this girl inside in ruins…this is what tears me apart.

    Before the End…

    Her laugh… that’s my favorite part. It leaves me dazed while she leaves me in the dust. God training sucks and I thought I was in shape, but to be shown up by a chick….. Insulting. “Oh Church… I know your just an asshole from some back water Texas dump but COME ON… she’s kicking your ass!” Some comrades…His laughter mocks me as I pick myself up off the training room floor yet again. I turn to see those eyes enticing me through fiery hair fallen from her ponytail. Here it comes again, the come-hither smile and that devastating laugh, just before she attacks.

    And I was never the same…..

    “Hey Church!” Same guy same stupid annoying voice, with that stupid annoying face to go along with it.

    “Hey whadaya want Ugly.”

    “Ha ha, you know I hate that!” I just chuckled.

    “Ya know our ranks up for call signatures, you really should use that for yours, that’s what we all know you as anyway.” Ugly rolls his eyes, but continues with his slight smirk.

    “Well, that’s kinda what I was saying, you remember that chick who took you down last week?” My mind flashes with red hair and blue eyes. Wearily I glance back.

    “Yeah? What of it?”

    “Well her rank just chose their call signatures. And I was wondering if she was from Texas like you?” I almost flush, I shouldn’t be embarrassed that I know the answer, but the only reason I do is because I had to know who she was… so I snooped through every record I could find. All I found was her PT signature is Nevada so I don’t assume we’re neighbors.

    “I don’t think so Ugly, get to the point.”

    “Well I heard today that she stole your call sign, She is officially the owner of AGENT TEXAS, thought that was interesting, don’t you?” His eyes are still buggy, but mocking. I’m so stunned I just stand there like an idiot as she crosses our path 500 yards up. Her hair flying like a banner, body strong and powerful, eyes dancing as they meet mine.

    Tex…Every one in our Unit calls me Church, but that’s just because our sergeants wore my name out during drill and it just stuck. Those who weren’t there, everyone who isn’t in our unit, calls me Tex for my accent. I’d let it be known that’s what my call sign was to be, everyone knew. She knew.

    Right up to our last mission, she’d had me. My every attention, my every nerve ending attune to hers, like magnets. I’m tough, use women and be on my way, kill with out flinching. I’ve never been afraid, I get the job done, fear never dominated me, emotion never ruled me. I’ve always been the well oiled machine. It why we worked well together, a partnership with out words, two halves of the same whole working to get the job done. But the fear… of losing her… it was always her and that night I was no longer tough.

    I’ve never seen anything like it, deep in enemy territory. The universe above us, two setting moons, colors I’d never knew existed lie in that sky. Everything crisp and clear, with a hostility hidden behind it. And there she was, crisp and clear, vibrant underneath that sky, beautiful, with a deep hostility behind those ice blue eyes, but somehow… it fit. Naked, in my arms so warm, so… everything we were together. Rough, wild, hatred, sarcasm and bullets.

    She looks up at me, “Leonard…” Rich, warm, commanding, strong, submitting, sensuous. My fingers grip her shoulder blades, her fingers draw blood down my sides, her gasp bring more pleasure to me than sound alone should. “Oh….”

    “Alison” I don’t recognize the break in my voice. I don’t understand the pain. I can’t lose her, it doesn’t happen. She doesn’t die. I won’t let it happen, to save her, I would give anything, I would give my life. I see her breaking in front of me, she’s falling over. Reaching out she hisses in pain as I fold her into my arms, into what strength I can give her.

  • agroneman21


    #14939935 - 7 years ago


    This isn’t how its supposed to be, in this army I’ve seen the effects a thousand times and I’ve killed even more. This isn’t right, why this reaction? Why this effect? Her eyes, now the color of her hair, which has turns a murky brown, look up into me, through me. She is so small…this woman who stood toe to toe with me for so long, she is just a shell now. How do I save this? I know very soon I will have to put her down and step away, force my body to leave hers. But I can’t imagine it, what will she be when I leave? Will she still be mine?

    “Leonard… you…” She can’t even speak through the blood seeping out her mouth, the blood tears and the blood pouring from her ears… I’ve always saw flashes of vibrant red when I thought of her, but not like this, not all this gore.

    “Alison… I” For I second I see the determination I love so much course through her behind those eyes. But as her fingers touch my lips, they are feather light. There is no strength behind them to sustain that force.

    “Don’t you dare say it…” She chokes out… her voice hoarse and blood sprays from deep with in, “And no goodbyes…” coughing rakes her body, I fear she will break in two, yet I cling tighter, “I can’t… it’s….it’s not who we are Leonard.”

    In the background I hear the fire continue yet again. Grenades exploding, grunts and screaming of warfare. That is my life behind me… it was our life before this moment and I was happy in it. Now? What about my life lying here, on me, cocooned in my embrace, holding on to everything we made.

    Then she slips through my hands, like falling water, I’ll never know how she does these things. From the floor her hands come up pushing my chest, pushing me away from her. I noticed how small her hands are on me, has she always been that small? “Go.” The command moves me more than the push. I’m engrained to listen to that voice, I yearn to. I move to a crouch, unconsciously readying for the fight coming. My mind with her, but already my fingers move to my gun, fingers finding their holds easily.

    “Not with out you Alison, not with out you!” I try to pick her up, but again she pushes.

    “GO!” She spews more blood, the rage in her almost giving me hope. “Stop this, stop it Church!” I see the fire in her eyes, they alone willing me to my feet as I feel the vibrations of battle coming closer.

    Protect her. Everything I’m made of needs to protect her and I can’t do that sobbing on the floor. I turn to the fight, I escape into it, for Alison.

    She’s just a girl. Strength used up, she collapses back to the hard metal floor. Gasping wheezing around the blood making a mockery of her. “Stop this church, stop The Flood. Get home like we always talked about.” She laughs… even though we knew it was never us, she thinks, we were made for this life. We were never normal civilians. But the idea… its nice. “And…” She can’t bear to hold her head up anymore, and it takes a second for her to realize its not just blood escaping her eyes. She is scared, no matter how she hates to admit it. What will she be when she stops breathing? She can feel things inside her … things not… of her own. These symptoms have never occurred as far as she knew, what is this?

    “And…” a sob escapes her control as more blood is coughed from her body, “Forget me. Forget me Leonard. You were meant for so much more.. You were meant… to save, to fight.” My burden will haunt him, her thoughts race as her heart slows. “It’s not to late Leonard… to let this go. Let me go.” And she cries…she lost her last battle.

    He hurries back to her, the fight far from over, but he couldn’t stay gone long, only to protect would he leave. But he hurries only to find her gone. He see’s the blood, but she isn’t there. And he is lost… losing his hold on life… his sanity in a pool of her blood, but all he can see is her hair, the beauty in crimson and those blue, blue eyes.

    Please don't hate it was just a dream that i had to write down. I'm not the best writer but i had to get it out i hope someone finds it entertaining :D or even reads it lol.~


  • Ember

    Ember FoxGirl

    #14939992 - 7 years ago

    You know, I had this whole long response, and my phone just blipped it out. I'll write it out later when I get to a computer.

  • Ember

    Ember FoxGirl

    #14940431 - 7 years ago

    In reply to agroneman21, #1:

    I have never posted fanfiction on this site, so I don't know if there is a specific place. If it were me, I might have posted in my journal and then posted a link on the boards? I don't know if there is a forum specifically for fanfiction. There is probably a group.

    How much experience do you have in writing? Because it seems to me that you have a good rough draft. Your "voice" is a good one.

    Here's a warning: This is probably more information than you were asking for. I tend to catch people off guard like that...

    If I view your work with the eyes of someone who is unfamiliar with RvB, I see a well told story. Missing a little, but nothing some fleshing out wouldn't fix. What you have is at a good start. Some awkward sentences and misspellings, but I'm more of an assistant than a full-blown editor, so I skip the really little issues that editors love getting their picky hands on. :)

    There was some buried dialogue, which made certain paragraphs hard to read. If you don't know that phrase, it refers to a type of paragraph structure. (Description. Dialogue. Description)
    Such as:
    "Her laugh… that’s my favorite part. It leaves me dazed while she leaves me in the dust. God training sucks and I thought I was in shape, but to be shown up by a chick….. Insulting. “Oh Church… I know your just an asshole from some back water Texas dump but COME ON… she’s kicking your ass!” Some comrades…His laughter mocks me as I pick myself up off the training room floor yet again. I turn to see those eyes enticing me through fiery hair fallen from her ponytail. Here it comes again, the come-hither smile and that devastating laugh, just before she attacks."

    If I were to change it, I would make it more like this:
    "Her laugh… that’s my favorite part. It leaves me dazed while she leaves me in the dust. God training sucks and I thought I was in shape, but to be shown up by a chick….. Insulting.

    [Here I might add who is speaking. Some might think it's Alison.] “Oh Church… I know your just an asshole from some back water Texas dump but COME ON… she’s kicking your ass!”

    Some comrades… [Even though this line explains who the speaker was, it comes in a bit late and might require the reader to reread the previous sentence. Something any writer wants to avoid if they can help it.]

    His laughter mocks me as I pick myself up off the training room floor yet again. I turn to see those eyes enticing me through fiery hair fallen from her ponytail. Here it comes again, the come-hither smile and that devastating laugh, just before she attacks.

    Buried dialogue is a very common occurrence among beginning writers. The basic idea is to make it stand out more, and to clarify who is speaking.

    I liked your use of words. They were very evocative. But sometimes the imagery and metaphor seemed to be almost overpowering. However, that just may be due to personal preference. :)

    Your choice of words in the beginning paragraph is marvelous. They were an excellent hook, and immediately reeled me in. If it had been me, I would have worked the "what does it mean to be a hero" theme into the end. But again, that's a preference thing.
    The ending scene tied into the series very well. When Alison told him to forget, the RvB fan in me just found it epically tragic. Which is what you were aiming for, I'm guessing. So kudos on that one.
    However, I was a little confused about the death scene. Admittedly, since I didn't know what was going on or what she was dying from, at first I thought he was thinking of... something else. The references to her naked back and kneeling added to that being a little more confusing. XD As a reader, I would want a little more clarification on what's going on there. If it is a reference to something in the Halo universe, I probably wouldn't get it. I love RvB, but know little of Halo. (I still have to go find out what the brood is... Because I fail at video game knowledge.)

    As an RvB fan, I have to mention something. I am aware that this is basically a transcription of a dream that you had, so I understand this inconsistency...
    Others will likely tell you firstly, that from what eChurch and the Director himself have said, he was not a soldier. I believe he was a computer programmer. (If anyone else reading this has more information, please feel free to chime in!) But again, I get that this story is just how it happened in your dream.

    For someone who says they are not very good at writing, I'd say you have a good start. As I said, your voice has a good feel to it. I have read far worse, I assure you. In fact, there are some out there that are the very reason I rarely read any fanfiction. The word craft in this was good enough that I'm glad I took the time to check it out.

    I hope you find my comments useful. I am a writer's assistant, and I love doing it. I tend to get a little carried away whenever I get a chance to exercise that knowledge.


  • Ember

    Ember FoxGirl

    #14940432 - 7 years ago

    In reply to Agent_Me, #4:

    Holy crap! My response is almost half the size of your fic! XD No wonder my writer friends are cautious when they ask me for help...

  • agroneman21


    #14940823 - 7 years ago

    In reply to Agent_Me, #3:

    Omg hun thank you sooooo much! I've nver put anything I've written out there for anyone to see and i was comptely scared. But for some reason I couldn't get this outta my head I posted it on Facebook and my journal on here but i don't have many friends and i really wanted feedback for some reason. Thinking maybe talking about it would stop this obsession nagging at me lol.

    But your right about the church thing I knew that wasn't what he was, but it was thus dream i had because I've been playing halo:ce for the first time. I was more concerned about people telling me how much I don't know about halo because I don't know muvh about halo lol. I was trying to make a link to halo and the flood. But silly me doesnt know much about how the flood infects or attacks. But I wanted it to be diffrent too, I didn't want alison really dieing. It's funny because another game had influence here. I have been playing A LOT of left 4 dead and I've been talking my friends ears off about "why is the witch a witch? What was so meaningful back in the real world that she sobs and doesn't really care the fuck about you? What makes the diffrencek?" Lol we spent some time imagining and comeing up with diffrent ideas. But that's kinda what was in my head with alsion. I don't know where she goes but I do know in the universe where my story goes, there is a wicked alison creature still roaming about.

    I felt bad to about it because as I read and re-read this I see a lot of those errors and stupid sentances. Some just dont make sense: my friend read the part where it says "how do I get to a woman on her knees....blah blah.... The distance is so great" and all read read out load were those two sentances and we burst out laughing. The pervert in me loved that. But the truth is I wrote it in like 20 at work. Sorry :( but that's why I loved your answer sooooo much, see, I'm sure u here this a lot but .... Ive been stirring a book since the 8th grade, I'm now 21. There is a lot of work I still need to do with it. But mostly ... That's an excuse because im to afraid to show anyone. Writeing is so personal you know? I've had alot of my work published in news papers through school Nd my teachers always told me I need to persue this. But frankly , the idea of turning something in to a company or something scares the shit outta me. That and I have no clue how to go about it lol. But this really truely is the first thing I've ever posted anywhere or let someone read. Thank you so much for the advice and constructive critisim I loved it! Because when u write something its hard to see that. For the most part I'm just stuck in this world I've created... I'm a sci-fi chick so all ky worlds involve space or something and me writeing it down is just mind traveling for me. Me getting to live in my world lol or i guess thier world because its all about the characters Tehe.
    Sorry for the messed up reply I wrote this on my phone and its impossible to type on a phone :) thanx again agent me

  • agroneman21


    #14940847 - 7 years ago

    Oh and about the ending... Ur write to finish off the story I should have tied that it... But I don't think I wanted to finish it hahahaha my mind goes wait its not done yet!.. or I think its more like a warning... "ah ah ah, I'm not done yet" hahaha

  • Ember

    Ember FoxGirl

    #14941626 - 7 years ago

    I won't be on here much for the next couple of days, but we can continue this via messaging. I'll be glad to help you out. :)

  • AgentMaine24


    #14958372 - 7 years ago

    Hi i noticed this and just had to check it out. I just finished reading your story and the comments following it. i really liked your story and though the facts from the halo universe and the red vs blue story line is a little off it is still very good and could be easily fixed if you wanted to. So as a writer myself i am very willing to help you if you would like. I really like your style and your imagery and diction. You have done very well so far and have good writing skills. So yeah please let me know if you want help and if you want my opinion on anything else. I would gladly help as a fellow writer especially since i have played the halo games and am well versed in much of the back story as well the game plot points. Thank you for your time.