The Breakfast Religion

    • Dear Children of the faith!

      4 years ago

      The Breakfast Religion

      I hope you have not forgotten the face of god, and the holy consumption of breakfast! For even on the busiest days, taken a minute to pray to the bacon is essential! Although the sermons of this church is not regular any more, we hope you still believe in your hearts, for the great Lord Bacon loves all breakfast consumers. Remember, my friends, that breakfast can be eaten any time of the day!

      Blessed be you all, for pig jesus died for your breakfast!
      May your bacon be ever sizzling and salty!

      This has been Sister Anne, Prophet of the Lord
      Bacon.jpg

    • Slam Porketry

      4 years ago

      The Breakfast Religion

      Brothers of Bacon and Sisters of the Sizzle I have wonderful and delicious news!

      The favoured son of our Lord and Saviour Lord Bacon, the hallowed Meat Prophet Nick Offerman,has emerged from his three day long bacon orgy blessed with new insight into what Bacon means to him and what it means all of us.

      However such knowledge cannot not be taught, only conferred by the Divine Swine, so we may never truly know what secrets he learned. However he has chosen to communicate what he can by our lord's preferred medium - slam poetry (his second favourite is hard core gangster rap).

      Never before has then been such a glorious reflection, such a rapturous anthem as this - may you puzzle at the hidden meanings and divine insights it contains for centuries to come.

      youtu.be/xSVO5VloDlc

      And remember, "Utensils don't make the bacon sweeter"

      Brother Mitchell, The First Disciple of The Swell Swine (glory unto his name)

    • Greetings!

      5 years ago

      The Breakfast Religion

      Dear Breakfast lovers! Wisdom has been shown to me through the peculiar thing called the interweb. And my first thought was to share it with the followers of Lord Bacon.

      tumblr_m2g71dgJvn1qcptr6o1_500.jpg
      tumblr_m2g71dgJvn1qcptr6o2_500.jpg

      That is all, now continue enjoying the food of our lord!
      Sister Anne, Prophet of the lord Bacon and his son Pig Jesus, who died for our breakfast.

    • Eating is believing

      5 years ago

      The Breakfast Religion

      Greetings, fellow bacon believers!
      I hope you are all remembering to eat your breakfast and enjoy every meal that the lord Bacon has sent you. For you have all been truly blessed with divine food from above.
      May your bacon always be salty and greasy and may your waffles be golden!
      Sister Anne, loyal servant of our Lord Bacon and his son Pig Jesus, who died for our breakfast

    • Delectable Disciples

      5 years ago

      The Breakfast Religion

      Hark hallowed honey homies!

      Its time for a weekly dose of Breakfast based knowledge; but first lets review what we have learned so far:

      - Breakfast is the best meal and thus requires an entire religion dedicated to it.
      - Pig Jesus - the Swell Swine, the Prince of Pork, Lord of Breakfast and Saviour of the Mornings - is our God, and he is pretty radical. Like any pig, he has led an ambiguous existence, and his appearance through time means that he is probably a companion of The Doctor.
      - Eating Breakfast everyday will earn you a place in Breakfast Heaven, a mystical land filled with pig angels and an endless breakfast buffet - and not eating breakfast will send you to Breakfast Hell, were all the cereal is soggy, toast burnt, and bacon unevenly cooked.
      - That Prophets are lazy and sometimes make half-assed sermons.

      Wow, that a lot to take in! You should probably reflect upon this over a hearty Breakfast before reading on further.
      FACT: Taking in too much information can cause SHES (Sudden Head Explosion Syndrome) - my uncle died of SHES after reading all the religious pamphlets he was handed on a Sunday (speaking of which, feel free to grab a pamphlet!)

      Now, on the memory menu for you today is a double helping of Delicious Disciples, but these aren't your regular disciples - these are the Disciples of Pig Jesus. Like any religious figure, Pig Jesus had many disciples (that he referred as his Bros) throughout time and space, and these are but the first of many of his disciples you will learn about, many of them hiding in plain sight (CHECK THE BUSHES! THERE'S ONE NOW!).

      Babe:
      Babe1.jpg
      Known too some as the Son of the Swell Swine, Babe the pig is one of the Lord's cutest disciples. However don't let the gentle face and innocent demeanor fool you, Babe is one tough customer. An orphan, a street thug and a known sheep harasser; what any of that has to do with Breakfast is beyond me, but the Lord moves in mysterious ways.

      Your Mum:
      my+mums+the+best.jpg
      Yes that's right, someone on the internet is using "Your Mum" in a completely inoffensive way. As your mother, she provided you with most of the breakfasts you have eaten when you were a child (and as an adult if your a lazy bones man child), and this is because she has been bestowed with the favour of the Divine - but she probably doesn't know it because she's to busy ensuring that you don't die of breakfast deprevation. If your mum is like my mum (but they better not be the same person) then she makes a mean set of vanilla crepes with lemon juice and sugar.

      The Golden Crumplet Mascot....Thing:
      crumpet.jpg
      If you're like me, you like food that can stare back while you eat it, and so did Pig Jesus. So when he encountered a soiled crumpet he knew that he could one up his pal Jesus Christ's wine-into-water trick by giving life to their forgotten morsel. Thus was the Golden Crumpet man born, and while his early life was frought with sub-spread abuse, he eventually got his act together and created a business where he could sell off his legion of illegitimate children - The Golden Crumpet Company. So every time that you bite down on a crumpet, feel at ease knowing that Crumpet Man now has to pay a little bit less child support.

      Those are but the first three disciples, and there a many more to come - but you will have to wait.

      And remember:
      "Salivation is the first step to salvation"

    • Delectable Disciples

      5 years ago

      The Breakfast Religion

      Hark hallowed honey homies!

      Its time for a weekly dose of Breakfast based knowledge; but first lets review what we have learned so far:

      - Breakfast is the best meal and thus requires an entire religion dedicated to it.
      - Pig Jesus - the Swell Swine, the Prince of Pork, Lord of Breakfast and Saviour of the Mornings - is our God, and he is pretty radical. Like any pig, he has led an ambiguous existence, and this appearance through time means that he is probably a companion of The Doctor.
      - Eating Breakfast everyday will earn you a place in Breakfast Heaven, a mystical land filled with pig angels and an endless breakfast buffet - and not eating breakfast will send you to Breakfast Hell, were all the cereal is soggy, toast burnt, and bacon unevenly cooked.
      - That Prophets are lazy and sometimes make half-assed sermons.

      Wow, that a lot to take in! You should probably reflect upon this over a hearty Breakfast before reading on further.
      FACT: Taking in too much information can cause SHES (Sudden Head Explosion Syndrome) - my uncle died of SHES after reading all the religious pamphlets he was handed on a Sunday (speaking of which, feel free to grab a pamphlet!)

      Now, on the memory menu for you today is a double helping of Delicious Disciples, but these aren't your regular disciples - these are the Disciples of Pig Jesus. Like any religious figure, Pig Jesus had many disciples (that he referred as his Bros) throughout time and space, and these are but the first of many of his disciples you will learn about, many of them hiding in plain sight (CHECK THE BUSHES! THERE'S ONE NOW!).

      Babe:
      Babe1.jpg
      Known too some as the Son of the Swell Swine, Babe the pig is one of the Lord's cutest disciples. However don't let the gentle face and innocent demeanor fool you, Babe is one tough customer. An orphan, a street thug and a known sheep harasser. What any of that has to do with Breakfast is beyond me, but the Lord moves in mysterious ways.

      Your Mum:
      my+mums+the+best.jpg
      Yes that's right, someone on the internet is using "Your Mum" in a completely inoffensive way. As your mother, she provided you with most of the breakfasts you have eaten when you were a child (and as an adult if your a lazy bones man child), and this is because she has been bestowed with the favour of the Divine - but she probably doesn't know it because she's to busy ensuring that you don't die of breakfast deprevation. If your mum is like my mum (but they better not be the same person) then she makes a mean set of vanilla crepes with lemon juice and sugar.

      The Golden Crumplet Mascot....Thing:
      crumpet.jpg
      If you're like me, you like food that can stare back while you eat it, and so did Pig Jesus. So when he encountered a soiled crumpet he knew that he could one up his pal Jesus Christ's wine-into-water trick by giving life to their forgotten morsel. Thus was the Golden Crumpet man born, and while his early life was frought with sub-spread abuse, he eventually got his act together and created a business where he could sell off his legion of illegitimate children - The Golden Crumpet Company. So every time that you bite down on a crumpet, feel at ease knowing that Crumpet Man now has to pay a little bit less child support.

      Those are but the first three disciples, and there a many more to come - but you will have to wait.

      And remember:
      "Salivation is the first step to salvation"

    • Breaking Fast Due To Pressure?

      5 years ago

      The Breakfast Religion

      Salutations fellow Followers of the First Meal,

      Pig Jesus once spoke of the proper way to conduct oneself on the weekends:
      "If thou is not maxin' your relaxin' on the weekend then thou shall meet a weak end".
      And my Delicious Disciples it is very true! I know now the perils of taking long shifts at my work (a Supermarket, a.k.a a Temple To All Things Breakfast) and I have exhausted myself. So in place of my usual waffle, I leave you with an image of Our Lord with another Lord during their crazy college years.

      Jesus-with-Pig_001.jpg
      "Lol, Jesus and I are as high as kites" - Pig Jesus

    • Well I'll Be Hammed!

      5 years ago

      The Breakfast Religion

      True Facts About Pig Jesus That Will Astound You

      Greetings Bacon Brothers and Sisters,

      Although posts have been lacking, now's the time for yakking - yakking about Pig Jesus that is!

      Despite our constant prattling on his crackling I doubt many of you know much of the Swell Swine beyond that he is our Lord and Savior and the Benefactor of Breakfast. Well fear not, for like the savage man lifted up by knowledge, we shall guide you from ignorance and bliss to knowing and...even more bliss (because Breakfast is just that good!). So here are some true facts about our Dietary Deity that will rock your socks (and possibly your jocks) off; and don't be afraid to bring these facts out in interesting situations: parties, work, funerals, host negotiations - the possibilities are only limited by your capacity to dream.

      FACT: Pig Jesus was a real pig and did indeed exist. However as all pigs look the same to the layman (and pig racists), it is not quite known when Pig Jesus actually existed. Some records show that Pig Jesus was present when Jesus Christ was born, and that Mary and Joseph actually borrowed his name for their child because it was hella dope compared to their original idea of Mt. Everfresh. However Pig Jesus' Facebook Timeline starts in 2009, and he has an embarrassing senior year photo in both the 1589 and 1989 Herd High Academy for Delicious Animals Yearbooks; so your guess is as good as mine.

      TRUE FACT: Pig Jesus invented breakfast. That's right, before Pig Jesus there was no breakfast, just Pre-Lunch-Post-Sleep-Food-Consumption-Time. Pig Jesus did not like this mouthful, for he knew that the only mouthful that anyone should have to deal with would be a mouthful of delicious breakfast food. So he did declare that Breakfast was a thing, and people found it pretty groovy, so they decided to follow his teachings. However Breakfast was hijacked by the Cereal companies, and our True Idol was replaced with the False Idols of Snap, Crackle and Pop (The Trifector of Terror)

      FACT: Pig Jesus wrote the first ever breakfast cookbook, and its available on ICantBelieveItsNotReal.com for only $800 dollars (signed by Pig Jesus himself).

      TRUER FACT: Pig Jesus had a cameo role in the movie Babe; he is in the background and in the clouds, and on a plate - he was just about everywhere.

      TRUE FACT?: Pig Jesus can actually fly, and not only because he has a pilot licence. Sometimes he comes in at an angle, other times he can hover and swoop - but he is at all times majestic.

      TRUERER FACT: Pig Jesus was totally delicious. The Bacon of the lord was the first ever cut, but unlike his kin, any meat cut from him would instantly grow back, so it was a pretty cool trick to pull out at breakfast parties. It was also handy for feeding the poor, the lazy and the hungover.

      FACT TRUE: Pig Jesus is fluent in 5 million forms of communication, none of which can be understood by those unskilled in the way of breakfast.

      TRUEST FACT: Pig Jesus died for our Breakfast. When Pig Jesus left this world (or has he?) he allowed his entire form to be consumed so that he may bring joy to all those who worshiped him. Why did he do this? Some say it was because he truly was a Swell Swine, others say it was purely for shits and giggles - but whatever the reason it was revealed at that moment that Pig Jesus was truly divine, and his Breakfast Bros because his Delicious Disciples, who spread the word of breakfast like one does butter all that would hear it.

      BONUS FACT: Pig Jesus endorsed all forms of Breakfast and didn't seek beef with the other religions because Pig Jesus wasn't a hater. He also endorses the mixing of the meals, and often enjoyed a hearty Brunch and a hot Brinner.

      Feel that? That feel of hot joy rushing through your body? That's what its like to be enlightened. Drink in that feeling because you only learn these true facts once (unless you get amnesia, in which case you're one lucky duck). So appreciate it, and remember them each time you prepare His Blessed meal.

      And remember: Spread after butter or you'll end up in the gutter.

    • Let's Get Cereal - The Basics

      5 years ago

      The Breakfast Religion

      Hark my dear children, for thou does read the holiest of words from our hallowed Lord’s Table.
      And those of you here today are amongst our flock’s first faithful, and mark my words brothers and sisters, our lord has taken note that thou shalt receive extra helpings upon thou’s ascension to his side.
      This is the first of many sermons to come on all things pertaining and relating to both Breakfast and its worship, to be released every Sunday or however often our Lord Pig doth demand that we be bothered. But even if we cannot be bothered, ye should be bothered to both read said sermons with the upmost reverence and to produce your own when one is not provided – Pig Jesus thinks of those who think of him.
      Now fair people, let us get cereal; many of you have joined our religion with not an idea of what we believe, what we stand for, and what we promise other then bacon – and while bacon is often the answer to many of life’s questions, it is not the whole answer when it comes to the Church of Pig Jesus and Latter Day Breakfast Foods.
      But fear not fellow Breakfast loves; Sister @AnneLydolf and I have the answers that you seek – we have been chosen by the Lord of Breakfast himself to guide you on your delicious journey, and it all starts with Breakfast.
      Breakfast, at its most basic (the bread and butter if you will) involves the consumption of food, be it a humble piece of fruit or a mighty spread – something is always swallowed; a protein shake, a piece of toast, a bowl of cereal. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, and as an observer of the Breakfast religion we ask that you engage in Breakfast every day, every week, for the rest of your life. We ask that you consume one of the many forms of breakfast food each day so thou might receive the warmth and love of our Swell Swine deity.
      If thou doth observe this easy practice, then thou shall be granted a place at our glorious Lord’s Table, in a wondrous place we call Breakfast Heaven. I need not speak of its hallowed glories, of its endless Breakfast Buffet, or of its Choirs of Pig Angels, or of its rivers of warm tea and coffee for we have all seen it in our heart of hearts; we have all dreamt of its toasty embrace and will one day know its boundless bakeries.
      But as there is a heaven, so there is a hell. As a congregation we are not big on damnation, but if thou does fail in the task of breakfast, then thou shall face the direst of fates. For a perpetual nightmare of soggy cereal, burnt toast, and weak coffee awaits those who do not observe breakfast and consume its holy food. To even think of its disappointing nourishment doth make my soul go lukewarm and unsatisfying. So be wary when wolfing down a wafer, for thou must be aware of what one eats from week to week lest thou be delivered to indefinite damnation.

      These beliefs form of the basic principles of our religion, and if thou doth follow them clearfully, then Pig Jesus shall reward you.

      And remember, Pig Jesus Died for Our Breakfast

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