This Means Something

    • Non-Secret Secret Meeting

      3 years ago

      This Means Something

      It’s well known by now that Jon Stewart had a secret meeting with Obama in 2014 – right before Obama’s speech on Ukraine. So secret that they didn’t try to cover it up at all and made sure to log it in the official visitor logs. They pulled out all the stops.

      It is further known that “rat faced” John Oliver, Stewart’s protégé, interviewed Edward Snowden earlier this year – AKA the world’s most famous rat. There we learned that the government does in fact have access to your dick pics. How is this relevant to anything though? Well, it’s time for the juiciest part of all: Hillary’s deleted emails. Clinton deleted 32,000 emails from a private server, many of which contained classified information. Being the secretary of state and knowing the US’s priorities, one can only conclude that the information stored in those emails consisted entirely of nude pics of foreign heads of state. Presumably these are being kept for blackmail purposes and it would of course be disastrous if they got out because the gig would be up.

      And now we’re back to Edward Snowden. Did he betray the US by releasing all those classified documents? Or was that a necessary cover so that he could get close enough to Putin to snap some nudes? What we’re seeing here is a very elaborate plan to infiltrate the Kremlin so that the Ukraine conflict can be resolved peacefully. Jon Stewart and Jon Oliver are of course serving as the intermediaries for these most sensitive of directives/documents. No one would ever suspect it.

      Well played United States. Well played.

    • Fucking clouds man.

      4 years ago

      This Means Something

      Some of you may have encountered this image

      I could bore you with the alleged “scientific” explanation as to why this happens (it turns out you could find out in the time it takes to ask), but let’s instead jump right into the juicy conspiracy shall we?

      Long ago I told you that grapes were a means of getting black helicopters into our bloodstream and that’s why everyone likes them. Turns out that’s not how deep the rabbit hole goes. Despite everyone liking grapes, not everyone regularly eats them. Additionally, I never addressed what their true, sinister, purpose is after eating them.

      To understand said purpose, I must first tell you about a little parasite called Toxoplasma gondii. When this protozoa, which requires a feline host to reproduce, enters a rat’s brain it causes the rat to not only not fear cats, but to be attracted to their urine. This of course makes the rat easy prey.

      As it turns out, a large percentage of humans are also infected – possibly causing you to like cats more than you should – which by proxy would make the cat a parasite, but that’s another matter.

      What I want to reveal to you is that chem trails exist for the purpose of stealthily disseminating black helicopters so that you will be tricked into buying catnip after you are infected with the protozoa payload of the helicopters. Actually, what am I saying? It’s not another matter at all. Clearly cats are responsible for chemtrails so that they can increase the number of humans compelled to take care of them.

      The more you know.

      Oh and the honey bee thing just…*sigh*

      Side note: I could've sworn that I already posted this. Did it somehow get deleted or am I just crazy?

    • OGenetically MModified GOrganisms

      4 years ago

      This Means Something

      Earlier this year, Bill Nye the Science Guy revealed that he had switched his stance on GMOs after having visited one of their facilities. Since he had vehemently denounced them beforehand, the reaction was a predictable, “Oh my god, he’s been bought out”.

      Wait a second, GMO. OMG. God. Rap. Eminem. White people on youtube that think they're good because they have the ability to read lyrics.

      Em the King/God of course goes by several other names, Marshall Mathers, Slim Shady, Eminem. Bill Nye more commonly goes by, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill (I did actually do research and count this time). The rapper names are part of separate personalities, but why would one man need 6 names? Actually, both men have 6 names present. 66. There are six levels of hell for wannabe rappers, which brings us to the devil’s number – 666.

      Quite clearly Bill Nye has been hired by Monsanto to summon Beelzebub and he needs to sacrifice wannabe gods in order to complete the ritual. What does Monsanto get out of this? Who the fuck knows? They’re probably doing it for shits and giggles. Em gets a free trip to Sea World or something I don’t know.

    • Snail Assassin

      4 years ago

      This Means Something

      There’s Ant Man, then there’s the snail assassin. This is not quite the one you may have heard of on the podcast though. I’m talking about an assassinator of snails. It’s a dirty job, but someone’s gotta do it. However, one of these snails has chosen to rise up and fight the oppression at its source. This goes all the way back to Roswell folks. Back in the 1940s the government was experimenting with turning snails into assassins and they figured the best way to do it was by using some sort of Freudian nonsense. So the snail assassin was born. His sole mission was to assassinate snails with the hope that it would create repressed memories and turn the snails themselves into stone cold killers that could be used as undetectable black ops.

      However, things didn’t quite go as planned. The snail in question managed to get ahold of a “surveillance balloonâ€, which it used to create the subsequent hullabaloo. During said shenanigans, aliens got wind of what was going on and were like, “Dafuq?†They grabbed their popcorn, with the only intent being to watch the show. But you see, this was the snail’s plan the entire time. He snuck onto one of the alien ships and before the aliens could say, “Ayy lmao†they were all dead. The snail then escaped into the deep reaches of space and was never heard from again. The aliens, equally as embarrassed by the proceedings as the humans, made a pact with the humans to never speak of what actually happened.

      The military then actually propagated the UFO rumors itself in order to draw attention away from the great snail incident of 1947.

    • Left Shark – The Untold Story

      4 years ago

      This Means Something

      I’m sure you’ve heard of left shark. What you may not have heard is the real story about the man behind the suit. You see, all the people in the costumes are part of a brainwashing camp of sorts for would be mascots. It’s not enough for someone to don the suit, they want the person underneath to believe they are the mascot incarnate. It’s some high end method acting shit.

      What you witnessed was a cry for help. Left shark went off script in the only manner that would allow the message to be heard and not have it seem overly conspicuous. It required a cipher to decode what he was trying to say, which I obtained from watching the Indiana Jones movies, but what I can tell you is this: left shark is only the beginning. The government is starting with mascots and assorted suited creatures as part of a trial run. Left shark is the true Edward Snowden of our generation. He was trying to warn us of how the government wishes to turn us all into puppets for the purpose covering up the fact that the so called singer on stage can’t sing. To hide the fact that the emperor has no clothes if you will.

      It’s not a coincidence that left shark suits hit the market so quickly afterwards and I assume the original left shark is now dead so as to tie up loose ends. We may all be Edgar, but we don’t all have to become left shark.


    • Is Donald Trump a Real Person?

      4 years ago

      This Means Something

      I’m sure many of you have asked this question before. Is he some sort of failed government experiment? A preliminary AI in which case we absolutely do not have to fear skynet? Or in the case of the skynet option is he there to lull us into a false sense of security?

      Let’s start with exhibit A: his so-called natural hair. I have done extensive research on human hair within the last 30 seconds and I have determined that such hair is not humanly possible. If we are to take his word that it is not a toupee then that means he is not human. Ruling out AI or clone, we are left with either alien, shapeshifter, shapeshifter-alien, or Chihuahua. That’s right folks. I’m suggesting that what we call Donald Trump is actually an exosuit that is being controlled by that shitty little dog that thinks it’s tough shit, all the while not realizing that literally anything could kick its ass. All bark and no bite. I could go on, but honestly it’s self-explanatory beyond this point.

      Instead, I will leave you with this nugget:

      “For all of those who want to #MakeAmericaGreatAgain, boycott @Macys. They are weak on border security & stopping illegal immigration. “

      — Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) July 1, 2015

      Because everybody knows Macy’s is in charge of border security.

    • We back.

      4 years ago

      This Means Something

      I've decided that I'm going to do this in seasons. 12 weeks. 12 'episodes'. Some may have videos associated with them.

      Many conspiracies abound. Actually just 12. Exactly 12.

      First one comes this Saturday.

    • I'm curious,

      4 years ago

      This Means Something

      does anyone follow this group anymore? I know I don't really post often anymore so I'm just wondering if when I do I'm unknowingly writing for an audience of 0.

      Also, do you guys think you'd be interested in me creating videos out of some of my old conspiracies? In particular, I'd like to do one for Barack Obama is bigfoot. Let me know if that's something you'd like to watch.

    • AI...

      4 years ago

      This Means Something

      So apparently one of those new-fangled robot vacuums attempted to eat a woman’s hair recently. Don’t worry – it wasn’t a Roomba so you can sleep safe. Unless…yes, unless this is just the beginning people. Everyone seems to think the robot takeover will start with skynet, but what if we were wrong? What if it all starts with a vacuum cleaner that’s simply tired of your shit? Oh god, it’s already begun. Remember the Geoff Roomba story where it happened to find the present left by his dog? Well what if it wasn't an accident? Just think about it, what better way to let your human overlord know that you don’t want none of his shit nomore other than to literally spray shit all over his house? Yes, that must be when it all began which means we’re already in deep *insert same pun again* by now and that none of us are safe. I suppose the only thing left to do is to utilize Elon Musk’s generous $10 million anti-AI donation and equip every man, woman, and child with a fire extinguisher. With Joel to lead us, I believe we can win.

      Or maybe the whole thing was just part of some Pinky and the Brain scenario.
      “What are we going to do tonight Roomba?â€
      “The same thing we do every night cheap knockoff brand: try to take over the world.â€

    • CNN Doomsday Time

      4 years ago

      This Means Something

      Well folks, it seems the world is ending again for the first time for the last time.
      And who’s the catalyst this time? Kim Jung Un? Some random asteroid perhaps. A pet rock that has become self-aware and wishes to usher in The Age of Rocks. All good guesses, but the correct answer is the always nefarious CNN.
      That’s right, they have a doomsday video and end of the world broadcast plan ready to go because when the world ends you know that their employees will still show up to work rather than do end of the world shit like get eaten by zombies.

      They apparently also have obituaries written for people that aren’t even dead yet, but I’ll leave their hit list and potential mafia connections for another time. What I want to figure out, given this juicy piece of information, is exactly when CNN plans on ending the world because with all the amazing technology at their disposal you know they could do it anytime. Anyway, let’s start at the beginning and see what we can uncover.

      CNN started in 1980. The book 1984 was published in 1949. Ted Turner (founder of CNN) was born in 1938, making him 11 when 1984 came out and 46 in 1984 itself. He left CNN in 2006 and the intern supposedly discovered the doomsday tape in 2009. Assuming the world didn’t end in 2012, that would mean that we are currently in the year 2015. That means we are dealing with a 6 year difference between discovery of file and public knowledge of it. Now if we just account for the rotation of the earth and how magnets work, we can deduce that the world will end 46 years from now in the 11th month on the 4th day plus or minus 6 years and 84 strombolis (the strombolis are the result of multiplication errors – must’ve forgot to carry the 2 somewhere).

      So there you go. You have 46 years or so to plan on how you want to spend the rest of your life at which point CNN will play some song you’ve never heard in a format that no longer exists by utilizing staff members that didn’t show up to work. And you, being the loyal CNN member that you are, will tune in on your TV that is no longer working.

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