The secret diary of Aragorn
Day One:
Ringwraiths killed: 4. V. good.
Met up with Hobbits. Walked forty miles. Skinned a squirrel and ate it.
Still not King.


Day Four:
Stuck on mountain with Hobbits. Boromir really annoying.
Not King yet.


Day Six:
Orcs killed: none. Disappointing. Stubble update: I look rugged and manly.
Yes!
Keep wanting to drop-kick Gimli. Holding myself back.
Still not King.


Day Ten:
Sorry no entries lately. V. dark in Mines of Moria.
Big Baelrog.
Not King today either.


Day Eleven:
Orcs killed: 7. V. good. Stubble update: Looking mangy.
Legolas may be hotter than me.
I wonder if he would like me if I was King?


Day 28:
Beginning to find Frodo disturbingly attractive.
Have a feeling if I make a move, Sam would kill me. Also, hairy feet kind of a turn-off.
Still not King.


Day 30:
In Lothlorien. Think Galadriel was hitting on me.
Saucy wench.
Nice chat with Boromir. He's not so bad.
Took a shower. Yay!
But still not King.


Day 32:
Orcs killed: none. Stubble update: subtly hairy.
Legolas told me that a shadow and a threat had been growing in his mind.
I think Legolas might be kinda gay.
Nope, not King.


Day 33:
Orcs killed: Countless thousands. V. good.
Boromir killed by Orcs. Bummer. Though he died bravely in my arms, am now quite sure that he was very definitely gay.
Not so sure about Gimli either.
RIP Boromir.
Still not King, but at least Boromir seemed to think I was. Might however have been blood loss.


Day 34:
Frodo went to Mordor. Said he was going alone, but took Sam with him.
Why?
My God, is everyone in this movie gay but me?
Not so sure about me either.
Still not King, goddammit.

The secret diary of legolas

Day One:
Whee!


Day Two:
I like to run!


Day Three:
I look good when I run!


Day Four:
I also look good standing still. Running across Riddermark v. good excercise. I swear my butt has just gotten firmer. Is that even possible?


Day Six:
Is Gimli staring at my butt?


Day Seven:
No wonder he's always lagging behind.


Day Eight:
Unnerving moment when bumped into Eomer. Thought he might be prettier than me until he took off helmet. Fortunately he looks like an aardvark. He hit on Gimli but I warned him right off. Nobody tries it on with my dwarf.
Am still the prettiest.


Day Nine:
Pile of dead and smoking Orc corpses so not pretty. Aragorn showed off and went on and on regarding hobbits laying about tied up. Do not know why he thinks kinky hobbit games so important.
Still prettiest.


Day Ten:
Bother! Fangorn Forest. Leaf mold terrible for my complexion.
Still prettiest but a bit on clammy, unwashed side.


Day Eleven:
Bumped into Gandalf who is all sparkly white now. Asked him, "Who do you have to blow to get last bottle of bleach in Middle Earth anyway?" Gandalf said, "The Balrog." So not worth it.
Am rethinking, though. Roots are showing.
Still prettiest although at this rate for how long?


Day Twelve:
Asked Gandalf for Balrog's number. Gandalf said I couldn't call him. I told him not to be jealous and posessive. He said he wasn't, it was just that he killed Balrog last week.
Note to self: never date Gandalf.


Day Fifteen:
Arrived in Edoras. V. upset. Suspect Eowyn may be prettier than me. Most unexpected as always thought shield-maidens were more hefty, pear-shaped types.
Not the prettiest! V. bitter.


Day Nineteen:
Aragorn stood up to Theoden today. Aragorn so butch. Have goosebumps.


Day Twenty:
Poke bonnet absolutely hideous. No longer even remotely pretty. Considering suicide.


Day Twenty-seven:
Exeunt Aragorn, pursued by wolves of Isengard. On con side: Am stuck with ugly necklace. On pro side: No longer have to wear poke bonnet. Am pretty again!


Day Twenty-nine:
Aragorn back. Apparently taking header off cliff not as deadly as one would have thought. Told him to throw me down and shag me senseless, but he just clapped me on the shoulder in a manly fashion and said, "Yeah, it can get a little chapped sometimes but just put some lotion on it."
Aragorn just kind of a wanker, really.


Day Twenty-Nine:
Battle of Helm's Deep so embarassing. If was not bad enough to face thought of death at the hands of smelly Orcs in backwater rural province, have now been saved at zero hour by Haldir showing up with really bad weave.

On plus side, Eowyn stuck in rancid cave. Perhaps will develop cave blight. Then I will be prettiest forever.


Day Thirty:
Battle over. Gandalf always fashionably late it seems. Hopes for after-battle quickie dashed because Aragorn sulking over postcard from Faramir. Is jealous over Ringbearer. Told him Sam will kill Faramir if he tries anything but Aragorn not cheered up.

Sod him. Have received suggestive note from Eomer. Will go see if what they say about men of Riddermark is actually true.
No one has bothered to get Eowyn out of cave yet. Still the prettiest by far!