People that I hate..

I'm in a weird/sad mood..
And once again I'm facing the fact that there isn't [Or seems like there isn't] anyone I know who I can talk to freely and who'll listen and care and not just give generic answers that make it seem like they give a fuck when they don't and bleh..

I miss Hannah.
Someone take me to Texas so I can go get Hannah cuddles.

I'm failing school..
And I'm thinking of dropping out of my TEE courses and doing Non-Tee courses to go to Tafe so I can get into Uni the ninja way..
It'll take six months longer but it'll be easier and there'll be less pressure and rush.
I don't know if I'm even cut out for this shit though..
And I don't know what I want to do with myself..
It's all so fucking COMPLICATED..
I'm a kid, for God's sake.
But I'm being told I have to decide my future NOW..
What kid wants to decide the rest of their fricking life when they're just meant to be enjoying the moment?
I don't like long-term things.
I just go with what the day brings.
I hardly ever plan.
I'm pretty sure I need a job, too..
I'm constantly reminded I fail at most things though,
And it's making me scared that I'll fail at everything I do, always.
Which is why I've put off getting a job so long..

And my lovelife is fucked..I'm screwing the guy I've cared about for almost five years,
And now I find out my recent-ex-best-friend has a crush on him.
And now she's been hurt because she knows about it and because I bluntly put it to her that we're not friends anymore, due to how she just dumped me on my arse suddenly and went all buddy-buddy with the 'cool kids'.
But whenever we're together she acts as if we're fucking joined at the hip and always have been.
I don't like hurting her, or anyone for that matter, but I claim him. IdoIdoIdo.
I'm possessive.
Plus she's HOT. Got not the best personality, but she's still a great kid.
And has a body of a fucking porn star.
She could get ANY guy she wanted.
But she has to pick him.
The guy who she used to call "Eww."
Why have ALL my in-person best friends liked him?
For two years I had to keep my mouth shut about him and act as if our relationship was purely platonic so I wouldn't hurt them,
While they openly drooled over him and made plans to hook up with him and bragged about how they sat with their heads laying in his lap during a movie..
And even fucking used me to try and get his attention..
Their plan was to act lesbian so he'd want them more!
I don't get how that works, because if a guy thinks you're a lesbian, wouldn't that mean he knows he has NO chance?
But no..I get kissed and bit and groped right in front of him..
Just so they could have his attention..
...He's so lovely..If it weren't for him I probably would have starved to death by now..
He feeds me during the day, when I'm getting hunger pains from not having a sufficient amount of food..Because my father is a drunken stoner bastard who refuses to buy food for me to take to school or give me any money so I could go to the shops and get ANYTHING to eat..
He keeps me in class when I try to skip it..
Srsly..He dragged me back in when I tried to leave, heh..
And he gets me to do my schoolwork too..
He knows more about me than I know about myself..
And he can describe me perfectly,
My mannerisms, my personality, why I do the things I do..
When I don't even know half the stuff..x.x
He was my first boyfriend,
My first kiss,
And I lost my virginity to him..
My feelings for him are the closest I've come to love.. x.x
Not just..the kind of love you throw around in daily life..
Or as my old drama teacher would call it, "Pizza love"..
It's that gut wrenching, bottom of the soul, kind of love..
I can't describe it.
It's beyond what anyone could say..
Man, I ramble a lot.
So this is gunna be a big journal post.
Probably my biggest ever..