So, I lay down to sleep about an hour and a half ago, and I found that I couldn't do it. My brain was too full of... shit. I'd forgotten how this happens at the same time every year.

I made a mistake of watching Love Actually earlier. I mean, it's a lovely movie, I actually like it, but for me at this point in my sad little universe it struck a chord, and a bad one at that. There's something that one of the characters says:

Christmas is a time for people with someone they love in their lives.

God, it's a wonderful line. But you know what it means to me? It means that Christmas is not a good time to be me. In fact, Christmas is absolutely horrible, and it's the loneliest time to be me. And you'd think that I'd have gotten used to being alone, but I don't think that I ever will. Humans weren't designed to be alone, and yet here I am, just a human, all alone. So I got to thinking about why.

I had one of my coworkers, one of the closest things I've go tto being a true friend, say something to me when we were hanging out one day. He said to me, "God Jonelle, you're funny, intelligent and have more personality than most girls could ever hope to have. I'm amazed someone hasn't come along and swooped you up." Yeah, well, I think I've figured out why. We live in a world based on appearances and no matter how beautiful I may be inside, the fact of the matter is that in a world where people are judged on appearances I don't stand a chance. I mean, what hope does a former football player have when men's ideals are Paris Hilton, Angelina Jolie and anime girls.

I know my problem. I've said it too many times. I love too much without anything in return. I mean, I used to have friends who loved me, but they don't seem to give a damn anymore. No one ever does. But getting back to it, I still have no one that loves me. Sure my parents and the rest of my family loves me, and I may have some friends that still love me, but that's not what I mean when I talk about... love. I'm sure that most people have someone out there that matches them perfectly, that would love them no matter what, but with every Christmas that comes by, every time I have to hear about how wonderful it will be for them to be with that 'special someone' a part of that hope slips away, and I doubt more and more that there will ever be someone that will love me as more than a sister and friend. Sure, I'm 19 years old, and still young, but when I don't even have friends, how the hell am I supposed to have hope that there will be love for me?

Well, it's late and I think my thoughts are getting incoherant, and I should probably make some attempt at sleep tonight. I hope all of your holiday seasons will be better than mine.

--How can I be the only one without a smile on my face? Well now, I'm laughing out loud at just the thought of being alive, and I was wondering, could I just be you tonight?