I always find it ironic how everyone likes to be different. Thats great and all, but is everyone really different? For the most part, not really. everyone has their own variation of a common thing, and i think that is probably the ideal "difference" and uniquness that people go for.

Sure, there are some different people out there, but for the most part, people fall in.

That leads to me. I find myself in a strange spot. I don't try to be different, nor do i particularly desire it, but i don't fall in to any particular place. This is true of me at many levels.

I am an unconvential guy. I am different from the rest by miles.

You could look at it at the simple level of just my hobby. When you look at the average teenager, what hobby do they do? I garuntee you most of them don't have a hobby at all (although they'll try to pass any activity they do as one, they don't have a true hobby). Even so, I think you'll find very few among them who are into the Model Railroading.

Already, one of my favorite activities is a best slightly interesting, and at worse, impossible for anyone else to understand. Even among those who do have a hobby, it is rarely something so involved or requiring the need of so many different skills as model railroading (there artistry, engineering, electronics, wood working, physical dexterity, research, not to mention model building, etc).

The average teen's hobby (being generous in the definition of what a hobby is), is what? Video games (is that really a hobby?), photography, scrapbooking? Drawing/painting?

*off track* skip past this paragraph if you don't want to hear me rant about my hobby

Oh drawing/painting is one where i get really upset with. You look at a good drawing, and you say, "damn! thats very good!". However, one looks at my layout, and for some reason, their only thought is "wow, that kid has gone to far...?". Can no one appreciate it? I don't care if you don't know about trains. The whole point is that there is a little slice of the world in scale with a little story every few inches. There is so much meaning in what goes on, yet no one catches it. I'd wager my layout says more than the average "good drawing/painting" made by my peers.

*back on track*

Of those hobbies, some barely translate over. Most don't even have a hobby, and i don't know what they do with themselves.

On a deeper level, i seem to have transcended anyone i know. People just don't match my crazy introspectives and my philosophical contemplations. No one else wonders "why?" like i do, at least not on the same level. I realize that i don't just feel alone in that i have few close friends, but i feel alone in that i can't relate to anyone. Nobody cares about the things i care about. few seem to have the same values as i do.

who cares to listen to what the heart/mind wants to say? If i met a girl like me, who talked about such things, i'd have no problem listening and thinking about it with her. but the truth is, most girls i've met don't even come close. I get simple answers, like "yes, thats so true!", which doesn't really add to anything, or I get the "why do you care so much?" response, showing me the person just doesn't get it. and maybe they are right, maybe i do think to deeply about things, but still.

Maybe i'm not totally different from anyone else. I'm still going through the same expieriences as everyone else. I still play video games, i still deal with all the same problems my peers do. However, just the way i am, i think, isolates me from others in its own right, before we even get into things like cliques and that.

In the end, i'm not even sure what i want. Do i even want friends who are like me? Do i want a girl who is like me in this way? It would seem, that i never really am all that attracted to the girls who are the intellectual sort. I mean, thats not entirely true, but in the end, I can confidently say they aren't for me. I suppose its probably got a lot more to do with the subject matter. I can't stand politics, but thats the only thing most "smart" kids look into these days.

When i look at Amanda, a girl i was crazy about for a good portion of my post-puberty years, and then the few other girls i may have liked, I liked them because they had bright smiles, and were happy and energetic, and they made me feel calm, and at ease. Interestingly enough, they (especially amanda) would almost totally stop my mind from its rampant thoughts, She'd silence my constant thoughts, I'd feel at peace. I realize that, (again continuing with amanda as my example), she wouldn't really probably put the kind of thought into things i do. I could see a blank expression on her face, and her saying "Okay....". She might sit there and think about it, but it probably wouldn't interest her to much unless it specifically dealt with a problem she may have been expieriencing at the time.

I am curious then, is she even what i would want in the end? Would i have been really happy with her if things had went favorably? I truely value that peace of mind more than i think anyone can understand. At the same time, i need to be with people who can understand me to an extent.

Either of these kinds of people are surpisingly hard to find. I don't even think there exists a combination of the two types in a girl at all. I have yet to find a sweet happy fun loving girl who does the serious thinking as i do, and i have not found a serious thinker who can be so fun loving and bright smiles and giggly-carefree as my heart would like.

And this is just one of my many contradictions. Maybe the reason i'm unconventional is not by my choice, but rather do to the rationalizations of these contradictions. There are so many things where equal parts of me are for a different plan that contradicts the other. What do i really want? who should i be? Too many questions already.