Ok, before I post the horoscopes, I should tell you a little bit about them. My friend and I back in school had made our own Magazine, with only one issue. We tried to make it offensive and funny at the same time. So, we came up with interviews from famous cartoon characters with backgrounds that are questionable and horoscopes. Oh, and I'm alive by the way, not dead, I just don't frequently update anything online. Kinda obvious now, I suppose...

Capricorn: December 22 â€" January 19. Things will go your way this week, Capricorn, as soon as you realize that no one likes you, that your parents find you worthless, and that the Catholic Church can’t redeem you, your suicide will work in your favor.

Aquarius: January 20 â€" February 18. It is that time of the month for you, Aquarius, and I’m not talking about periods. You will become infatuated with a person whom loathes the very thought of you. You will often think inappropriately about this person, and these thoughts will beam directly into your mothers head. You should feel ashamed.

Pisces: February 19 â€" March 20. This is your month to shine, Pisces, for the sun will be in line with Mars. People will use you for food, money, sex, and drugs. After they are done, they will toss you aside like a used tissue. You are useless on normal conditions. Enjoy the attention while people are interested in you.

Aries: March 21 â€" April 20. Your wealth will be withdrawn, Aries. Your current relationship will begin to crumble, and the only way to tape it back together is buying all the expensive crap your partner wants. If you fail to purchase their selfish wants, they will leave you, causing expensive lawsuits which you will lose. Even if you do buy everything, your partner will leave you, because they have obviously found someone better, because it wouldn’t be difficult.

Taurus: April 21 â€" May 20. This is the time of year for realization, Taurus. People tell you that everything is your fault, because it is. You are a horrible person, constantly making mistakes; people hate you due to your lack of ability, you can see this in effect when you are the last one picked for the dodge ball team. People would care less if you vanished off the face of the Earth.

Gemini: May 21 â€" June 21. Compassion is your middle name, Gemini. This is your downfall, whenever you meet someone new, you immediately begin flirting. The people you flirt with know that you are ugly and that you should stop trying to get in bed with them. You are a dirty slut and a main contributor to the worlds STDs.

Cancer: June 22 â€" July 22. Oh, you gluttonous pig, Cancer. You have attempted many diets, yet nothing seems to work. This is because you were born fat, and you will stay fat. Bulimia couldn’t make you any skinnier. You are a disgusting slob, and everyone hates you. Go eat yourself, fatty.

Leo: July 23 â€" August 22. Fortune will not be yours this week, Leo. You will shortly realize that all the things that ever went wrong with your life were because you failed miserably. You will never amount to anything, and you should wonder why your mother didn’t go through with the abortion.

Virgo: August 23 â€" September 22. Virgo, my dear friend, you are having troubles at home. You are the main problem. You are lazy and dumbfounded at every thing that goes on. You want to be like your father, and you are, your mother had an affair with a dirty slob and had you. Congratulations, bastard.

Libra: September 23 â€" October 22. The stars hold you in the highest, Libra. All your dreams will come true and leave you happy, until you learn that every dream that you have kills another innocent child. All your dreams will eventually cause the extinction of the world, along with the death of your own child. Have a nice day.

Scorpio: October 23 â€" November 21. The sun burns bright with desire for you, Scorpio. Every one you touch is infected with a burning hatred for you. The kindest of gestures from you could make a person vomit in disgust. Everyone loathes the very thought of you, and everything you do is completely pointless.

Sagittarius: November 22 â€" December 21. Wow, Sagittarius, there are just way to many problems to list for you, you should save me the trouble of telling you and just end your life as quick as possible. Stop being selfish, let other people have happier lives when you’re gone. Just remember to do it in the least messy way possible. Drowning or suffocation is preferred; no one wants to clean up after you.

J-Land Update:
I've been here for too long...