Nothing...

....

Seriously...



Ok, but it's going to be long and boring.



Still some time to back out...

Alrighty then.

As many of you are aware, I am stationed here on Okinawa, Japan. I've been here for close to two years now, and I'm due to rotate to my next duty station in April. However, this is getting ahead of myself.

I came here to Okinawa a little excited and curious about the culture, however, I felt more obligation to keep my relationship with my Girlfriend. I love her to death, but my time here has literally been spent on the computer, on the phone, or just talking to her. I'm not saying that I wasted time, but...I didn't do anything here in Japan. I see Marines come here fresh from boot and they have seen more of the island than I have in one month than I have in two years. I feel kinda pathetic. Also, I don't relate to Marines. I love the values that Marines have, but I really only have one friend over here, and even we don't hang out much. So I sit here, typing this on a friday evening because this isn't a new thing for me. I have always secluded myself from everyone and everything. I've tried many things to fit in, but I was just being something I wasn't, and here in the Military, it feels like I have to adjust, be someone I'm not in order to have fun. If I could go out alone, I would be much more content, but no, I'm surrounded by drunks, and idiots who don't even know their general orders, not to mention their own chain of command. I want to get out, but I don't have anywhere to go. I don't have any skills that set me apart from the rest of the world. My girlfriend wants me to get out of the military, but I don't know what to do after I do. I have so many hobbies, but I can't satisfy myself. I have a constant feeling inside myself that I could do so much more...I could be so much better. I recently purchased the Rooster Teeth Comics, and I was just...thinking. I am not apart group of people like that. I want to be. I want to have a set of friends that will always be there, and I see everyday. A group which friendship is much stronger than anything else where nothing could tear us apart. I think I had that once, but I secluded myself, tore myself away from it. It doesn't exist anymore, all the friends in that group disappated and went their seperate ways. My girlfriend is my best friend. She is my only friend it feels like. I only talk to her. I guess I'm wallowing is self-pity, and my esteem is really at the highest. I'm happy that I'm going home in March for a few weeks. (home is actually a hotel, my sister is getting married, but I get to see my family again.) My entire family has moved from Minnesota. I feel kinda lost. I've been gone for so long, been away from everything and everyone for so damn long...I just don't know what to think anymore. I feel awkward talking to people I used to talk to frequently. This is going to sound REALLY depressing, but I feel more connected to people in books, and movies, and video games...I'm missing that in my life. A group of people...People I can trust, people I can hang out with. People that won't judge me, or make me be something I'm not. I guess I'm selfish. I like me, even though many people don't. That's the real reason why I don't update my Facebook, MySpace, Red vs Blue...because I honestly think no one cares...that no one is listening to this ranting, selfish, boy inside of a man's body. Japan is a wonderful place, but I wish I had done more. I wish that I had found a group of friends, I wish I had found a family of sorts, but alas I didn't. I just had me and a phone to talk to my girlfriend. I didn't know that I could be so happy, yet so miserable at the same time. So overjoyed that me and my girlfriend made it through this two years...but at a sacrifice of my entire social life. I don't blame her though, she is wonderful...I blame myself. I blame myself for all the times I said "No, I'm busy" or "Yeah, I have plans" and just stay in the barracks. I regret all the times I just...shrugged people off. Most of all, I just hate myself for secluding myself. For either setting my standards too high, or just...being stand offish...either way...I just don't like myself. Sometimes, I don't feel worthy of what I was given. Like...it was just a sympathy vote for me...and I was given it all. "Look at him, he's miserable, lets give him things." Then I think of that, and I feel MORE guilty, and horrible...and I just...ugh...anyway...I've repeated myself quite a few times, and I've ranted for awhile. If you read this, thanks I guess. if you don't...well...what have I done for you lately, so I don't really expect anyone to read this. I have been a horrible friend, dropping off the face of the earth, not keeping in contact with anyone...doing anything for people I should...Eric, I feel sorry that I haven't given you anything, and you have given me postcards and a stratagy guide...FOR HEAVENS SAKE...I AM A HORRIBLE PERSON!...I hope you can forgive me, man. I have a lot of shit I have to work out with myself...and I just...don't like facing the brutal truth about myself....Anyway, that's all I have to say...Take care.

Nathaniel.