Sorry it's been so long in between journals & checking in on you Wonderful Folks! I've sorta climbed inside a semi dark place...come out once in a while, when necessity dictates. Spend most of my time on FB trying to keep up with my Family, cousins, uncles, nieces, nephews, adopted family, that are spread all over this country, including 2 in the flippin Middle East. I try to keep a Happy face when I post with them, let them know just enough, without burdening them with my problems or ailments, just want to make sure they're ok & let them know they're loved! But, Me...I've been becoming invisable....I hide in my room most of the day, take time to do the laundry, a little cleaning, take my Furry girl potty ( Mattie my Cairn Terrier), make dinner, then back to the cave, as my Hubby calls it, back to the laptop, until he comes home, a few drinks, talk about his day, eat dinner, go to bed, he falls asleep & I'm alone again. I spend so much time alone with my own thoughts, my fears, my wishes & this damn pain in my body, that I'm not much fun, just lonely. When we do go somwhere, I'm like a kid in a candy store, trying to take everything in, talking uber fast, engorgeing myself with everyone & everything, every sensation, hoping it will tide me over, make me feel part of this Universe...part of my own life...

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So, I'm trying to be more visible not only to myself, but to the folks that mean the most to me. I've gotten myself completely off the pain meds & Boy, that's Not an easy task...lol...you never realize how bad the pain is until you stop taking the drugs...er...well...(except for the Southern Comfort in the evenings, so I can try & sleep)...what a bloomin eye opener that is! Been using icepacks, heated rice/herb bag & my TENS Unit to ease the spasms in my back & legs...slow process, but I've got to start somewhere...got to return to my life as best as possible. I haven't painted anything in almost a year & I need to...the ideas for that want to "be", haunt me at night, the unfinished canvases stare disgustedly at me...I haven't sang in so long I sound like a frog...at least I've been practiceing some blues songs...now it's time to create, bring out some of the sadness & pain, put it on canvas, rid my body & mind of it...try & make it into something Beautiful!

The next thing is to try & get back on track physically...start walking again, workout a little, lose some of the weight I've gained, this past 7 years, so at least when I look in the mirror, I'll recognize myself, see me, not some pathetic wretch, pretending to be me. Sorry for being so depressing, I need to get this off my chest...start healing! My daughter, a few of her friends & I are going to go & see a movie next week, I just hope I can sit through it, let the healing begin, we've been wating to see this movie for a year & I don't want to spoil it for them! So I've been stretching & trying to strengthen my back & legs so I can make it! I've been trying to get out more, go to more outings, usually I'd just decline or tell my Hubby to go...these next few months are gonna be very busy...just hope I'm not biting off more than I can chew!

I will be back every now & again...with updates & to see how you are all doing! I'm learning that you cannot live life bottled up inside yourself...it's not healthy & is a cold, lonely place & only makes the physical pain worse! So from now on it's mind over matter & trying to enjoy life & everything, Everyone that Matters! Baby Steps, steady as she goes, Always Forward...No looking Back...banish the negative, Embrace the Positive, Breaking Free!!! ;D <3 Love & Bright Blessings to you All! <3 <3 <3


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