Sometimes life throws you a fast ball. Sometimes a curve. Sometimes it hits you hard when you really wish it wouldn't. But that's fine. I think it's something I have been deserving and a kick to my own self, regardless of what people think.

I am not who I used to be nor do I pretend to be the same. If that looses friends, then fine. Those who have stuck around for me have shown a level of compassion I never thought human. All I have on my mind right now is work, work, work. School. Getting the hell out of this state I hate so damn much. You know I have never felt better about myself then when I was in Los Angeles, surrounded by people I admired? And here all I feel is self-loathing, depression, and a reminder of some of the worst years of my life. Sure there have been plenty of good times, but over all it has been hell and I am done playing that game. I realized that not too long ago, and it was only cemented all the more these past couple of weeks.

I cannot handle relationships anymore, nor do I want to. I haven't dated a guy since you know who on this site and it pains me enough to deal with this long distance bullshit. I refuse to start any sort of local relationship because, frankly, the men and women here are idiots. Closed-minded clouts. Ambition is lacking and it is sucking me dry of creativity and any pleasure I once had for life. Oh, I don't plan to stay here any longer than I have to. In fact I am seriously hoping to move back to California by the middle of next summer if I can keep on schedule for school.

Which leads me to my next point. I never felt I was smart. Street smart and common sense, yes, but never book smart. And now, a few days ago, I was invited to Phi Theta Kappa, International Honor Society for two-year schools. You have to make a 3.5 or better just to be invited, and as it stands I have a 3.53. I have NEVER made these good of grades before. I have never, in truth, worked this hard before because I have always hated school in general unless it was music or art. I guess I have finally turned around and found my head in all of this mess that is called life. I only wish my mother could be here to see it, to celebrate with us. I know people say "well she is there for you, in spirit" but you know what? It's not the same and will never be the same again. If this makes me a hard and heartless person, then so be it. But once you have lost literally THE most important person in your life, a lot of things seem meaningless and you change. Parts of me I feel have changed for the better, such as the grades. But other parts of me are blocking things off and not allowing me to feel, to even be able to make a connection with people I would possibly be interested in.

I don't know how long this is going to last, nor do I particularly care about it right now. People can go off and be happy all they want and claim love but really- are they truly using their brain? Is there not something more important they need to do in life right now? It is hard enough to maintain jobs as it were right now with just a high school education, but when even college students with degrees are having difficulty- perhaps that is when people need to rethink their purpose in life, as I have done. I want all of the help I can get to make sure I don't have to struggle through life, having the most dead-end jobs that only allow you to scrape by with maybe wiggle room for some fun. No- I want my life to BE fun. To enjoy what I do and make the most of it. I have the connections and I have the drive and ambition, and so far I am on that path to something great.

I will make people see me for who I am. If my own personal life has to take a back seat for a long time so I can get to where I need to be, alright. I wouldn't be the first woman to probably have kids by the time she was well into her thirties. At least I know I will have made a better home for my future children.

Time is fleeting. Remember that.

I am going to mellow out to Screaming Trees now.


-Also been rather sick lately. Loosing ten pounds in two weeks probably isn't a good thing, but I have no appetite and a lot of foods are making me sick. About the only thing not is organic stuff or things I make at home. McDonalds killed me the other night. At least when I do eat it's good for me-