Bacon is a mystery of life. It provides us much happiness of meaty goodness, but also gives the fat that we despise. What is this conundrum we have found ourselves in? surely bacon is not evil, because if it wasn't then we would have no fat to be concerned of. Do not threat my fellow pork lovers, for I have an answer.
Upon recently drinking myself silly, I have come up with a reason as to why bacon not only grants us great happiness but also curses us with the weightiness of fat. Bacon is like alcohol, it tries to make us happy as every minute passes, but we can not comprehend it. We fill ourselves with so much alcohol that it damages our liver. In the same sense, we fill ourselves with so much bacon that it can not give us the happiness we so need without making us fat as well. As you can see, this is a problem.
However, I came up with a discovery. super bacon!
I know, it sounds too good to be true. Bacon thats even more super, but bear with me. In order to be given the bacon we deserve without being subjected to its evil counterpart of fat, we must return to the past. super bacon is normal bacon, but holy. It was discovered in the shaolin temple of atlantis, where numerous priests prayed to the Gods to turn bacon into a fatless entity, while still maintaining the tastiness that is bacon. The result was ground breaking, as it turned the whole of Atlantis into a paradise, maintaining the population with less-than-evil bacon.
However, the rest of the world began to fear the Atlantians and their bacon power. so they destroyed them and took the bacon for themselves, but they didn't know how to make the bacon super, so the knowledge was lost forever..
..Until now.. Whilst making a bacon sandwich, I uttered the words under my breath "I hate Justin Beiber". By saying that, the Gods of Atlantis surrounded me. I thought I was high, but they said to me: "By making a bacon sandwich and uttering the holy words, we give to you super bacon!" They disappeared and thought nothing of it.
I've been eating the super bacon for months now and I have not gotten fat. Breakfast, dinners, it didn't matter. The Gods of Atlantis graced me with this super bacon and now I grace it to you. Every time you buy a pack of bacon, say the words "I hate Justin Beiber", and your bacon will become fatless, while still maintaining its tastiness.
Your telling me mr bean...
6 years ago